T-M-I from T-I-M

Is a robot the only TRUE altruist?

Robotic Altruism:

I had an odd convo with a co-worker where we were wondering whether anyone could be TRULY altruistic, in the context of sushi chefs of all things.

I suggested that in order to be truly altruistic (the unselfish concern for the welfare of another human being with no benefit whatsoever personally) you need to shed the definition of what it means to be a flawed human.

I started thinking that maybe the only true, 100% pure altruism could come from a robot which is designed to look after the welfare of another human being.  And so I wondered…..

If the absolute unselfishness comes from a robot does could I actually receive it with a full heart for the intention of what it was designed to do? 

Or, is it more likely that our totally human, often flawed attempts at being altruistic are more meaningful because it’s coming from a context of a shared human experience temporarily overcome with the best efforts to be altruistic?

Like does it actually FEEL different because in spite of its flaws it’s the EFFORT involved to try to shed the humanity in that moment of unselfishness vs pure unfettered service from a being designed to do so.

Shortly thereafter I was all but ready to pitch Westworld meets Touched by an Angel (old school!) to HBO but then moved on to my avocado toast.

Spiritual Wackiness

I was sitting on the bus listening to an audiobook about how to live in the present moment this morning. A guy got in, who I’ve seen before. He wears a fedora hat and fingerless gloves (judgment already arising…) and seems to act fairly brusquely (judgment arisen) when he rides the bus.

The bus is pretty packed and he has to stand…next to me and he turns and whacks me with his bag (ok he actually probably BARELY brushed me…)

I spend 2 seconds in a self-righteous fueled anger story about how he’s a jerk, he doesn’t care what he’s doing, confirming my story about him, etc. as I am still listening to how to be “in the moment”.

He turned around to me and gave me a gigantic smile and apologized, completely disarming me.

The person sitting next to me got up and fedora hat, no finger glove guy sat next to me.

I tapped him on the shoulder and told him the story of what I was thinking and the impact his smile and apology had. We had a big laugh about it and told me he works on exactly these kinds of issues personally and professionally.

He told me that like me, he struggles with this. We figured out in short order that on so many levels we were the same.

I put my headphones back on and after a minute took them off and put out my hand and said:

“My name is Tim, what’s yours?”

He said, “My name is Tim”.

Why my God has no need for forgiveness

The God that works in my life has an ever expanding list of characteristics, but forgiveness is not one of them, it’s unnecessary. 

If you hurt me, I may sit in judgement of you while being really victim-ish.  I may tell friends my tale of woe hurt that may sway their view of you (intentionally or not).  I’m human. 

However once I forgive you, it was over.  If it wasn’t over I didn’t really forgive you but when I did I felt at least at peace with myself and often harmony with you.

You see forgiveness is a wonderful gift given by God to humans as a means to have us reconcile to deepen our love for each other and ourselves.  To perhaps feel a bit of what God feels for us. 

Underneath forgiveness is compassion.  It doesn’t mean I have to keep people in my life that I don’t want to but at least in forgiveness I can understand them.

The only reason we need forgiveness is because we are human, we make mistakes (no mistakes means no forgiveness).  Mistakes separate us. 

However, I’m NEVER separate from God.  I may THINK I’m separate from God but I’m never truly separate from God.  So, by definition forgiveness from God in order to feel one with God is unnecessary, I already am.

When you hurt me you may sometimes get on my bad side.  Until there is some type of reconciliation you may stay on that bad side.  Being on my bad side means I get to sift through the wonderful world of human emotions and indulge in them as I please.  It may be as simple as I stop talking to you or as complex as I hurt you back…sometimes worse.

Again, my responses are the very definition of being human, but God’s not human.  I think God gave us these human powers like vindictiveness, silent scorn or even revenge as a means to make forgiveness even more powerful.

When I feel I’m on someone’s bad side it often feels awful but I get it they’re human.  I don’t believe there is such a thing as being on my God’s bad side.  I think being on God’s bad side is ascribing a human experience to an infinite being. 

If I can’t get on God’s bad side, then the vehicle to get on his good side (forgiveness) is unnecessary.

Strangely enough, when I eliminated forgiveness as an attribute of God I actually started to behave differently.  You see when I think I may end up on God’s side I am more scared to make mistakes so my behavior and world shrink.  And when I let fear guide me like this, I am almost certain to be a less loving, compassionate and (dare I say it?) forgiving person.

When I take forgiveness off the table with God it actually makes me even more responsible in my relationships.  It takes more work for me in my life, not less because I want to feel in you and me the God that works for me that loves me no matter what.

I feel God through you.

In my world, God makes ALL things possible.  It’s why God makes ALL of the human experience possible which includes gut busting laughter, toe curling orgasms, mind blowing feats, soul melting love and the tools of compassion and honesty often used in situations where someone hurts me which often leads to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a key to the human experience but unnecessary for the God experience.

And if any of the above has made you upset with me…please forgive me.  ;)

Comical Silent Meditation Retreat

I'm going on my first silent mediation retreat this weekend.  A weekend of silent, peaceful, communing with God along with powerful, caring men.  Sounds like a recipe for calm and placid community right?

SO WHY AM I SCARED SHITLESS???  I've thought of many reasons why I shouldn't go and strangely enough the ideas seem to increase in frequency as the time draws nigh. 

My longest times not saying anything is when I sleep (and even then I'm told I'm pretty chatty).  And I meditated once for 45 minutes, but I think I may have slept for about 35 of them.

I don't get to use my phone and I'm acutely aware how addicted to it I am. OMG I'm like TOTS important and how will people feel about me like NOT responding to their texts or liking their photos/posts.

It would be hilarious to have a mental stenographer with me to record what are sure to be many entertaining thoughts I'll have.

That's enough, I'm going on this retreat and I'm going to be the WORLD'S BEST MEDITATOR.  After this weekend I'm going to start training for the Olympic Meditation Competition.  And who knows what performance enhancers I'll find to win it!

Wow, definitely time for me to practice being silent.

Playing it safe because I want to be loved

I'm going through a period where I've convinced myself that if I make mistakes that I won't be loved by you.  Because of that, I've chosen to live my life in this shrinking comfort zone where I bottle my magnificence and beauty while more or less avoiding mistakes (and of course the reprecussions from them).  Seeing that, I feel like I need to "move through this" and when I get to the other side THEN you will love me.

But guess what, the real issue is that I play it safe because I don't love myself.  In the midst of this messiness, I don't accept myself for exactly who I am because it's messy.  I've learned that I can act myself into right thinking.  But by playing it safe, I'm acting myself into limited thinking.  I love me as long as I'm not crossing the line and dealing with consequences.

To see it so clearly and honestly is jarring.

I'm not in an abyss of suicidal darkness right now, I've been there and I know exactly how it feels, this isn't it.  It's more like I'm on a boat riding big waves and there are no guard rails to hold onto.  I honestly don't feel like I'm going to fall out and drown, but I feel the threat of the drowning so I won't dive in.

I love to play basketball and am a confident, good shooter.  I can shoot 5 straight times and miss, but almost always, I'll take the 6th shot because I know it will eventually go in.  I have a proven inner knowing.  Right now, in many areas of my life if I miss once I'll stop shooting or I may not even shoot at all.  I've lost touch with my inner knowing, my true north.

Your love for me may come and go, because like me, you're human.  And I see that my love for me is gone right now too because I'm human.  But "getting" you to love me involves me controlling and managing my life which I've proven does not work.  I need a model of love that never changes to reflect onto myself.

And my God's love never leaves me and God never punishes me for thinking that it has.  My God's love has no conditions.  And when I trust and rely and my God, I have specific proof that literally miraculous things happen.

So for now, my eyes and heart are open to the many signs I get each day that I'm loved, even when I'm Captain Messy Man like I am right now.  However, I'm not going to invest in trying to "produce" those signs from you.  Liberation is beyond the signs themselves.

It's okay that I'm a mess right now.  And I don't need to "act as if" I'm not.  I also don't need to get through it to "find" love, it's already there.  My inner knowing right now is the absolute certainty that I have the capacity to love myself whether or not I do.  That's liberation.

I'm gripping with all of my might to the boat without guardrails for fear that the waves will swallow me and toss me back to a familiar and unrewarding shore.  But maybe the boat I see without the rails is actually a surfboard.  And perahps these waves, while turbulent, are the propulsion that I can tap into to feel the power and energy of what is now and trust and rely that it's taking me somewhere I've never been before.

 

Finding meaning in Monday Mass

I went to mass on Monday for the first time since I think John Paul was the pope.  My daughter was the altar server and I have to admit it was pretty cool to see her in action. 

First off, no I didn't burst into flames and the holy water didn't singe my eyebrows.  And yes, given it was Monday at 7:30 am it was sparsely attended.  The priest saying mass was barely intelligible and I thought at a couple of moments he might actually just fall over and leave this earth.

8 of the 12 of us there matched the priest's demographic.  It was a tight 25 minute service as the singing (which I usually like) and the sermons (which I typically don't) were not part of the gig.

All of this being said, it was some very nice quiet time for me to reflect, but the payoff came after the mass.

As I was ready to leave a couple that I know through school stopped me to say hello.  They are a totally fun pair.  As I was speaking to them, I realized how touching it was for me to see the two of them together at a Monday morning mass.

It reminded me that while mass is not my cup of tea, it can serve as a rock solid foundation in other people's lives. 

I'm getting tired of reading how terrible the Catholic church is.  I certainly believe the organization should be called to the carpet for a number of its damaging practices.  I'm through with investing in vitriol for the church.

But like I tell my daughter, the church gives millions of people meaning and purpose and, while human just like I am, a huge percentage of those people are loving and generous people.  They have proven path to getting closer to God that works for them and I have zero beef with that.

My dear friend Jerry Jacob

This morning I learned that my friend Jerry died.  Jerry is one of my many friends who we affectionately refer to as an "old-timer" in the group I'm involved in.  I first attended a gathering of about 15-20 men who were mostly old-timers and he welcomed me in a way that made me feel like I fit right in.

I spent the next 4 or 5 months trying to prove (and tell everyone) that I didn't.  One thing that confused me is that since the group was mostly older men it had lost several of its regular attendees over time and they talked about them on a somewhat regular basis. 

I fought that.  I'm new and I've never met this person, why don't we just focus on where and who we are now?  My friend Jerry smiled and let me be the rascal that I was being.  Always welcoming me back with a warmth that was, at times, downright confusing.

I broke bread with him on several occasions.  He was there on the other side of the phone talking me through rough spots.  He was one of those people in our lives who told me everything would be ok and I really believed it when he said it to me.

Then he got sick and he was in the hospital for quite a while.  And I kept saying to myself, I'll go next week.  Now it's too late.  You see, both Jerry and I share this disease that is founded on selfishness.  He showed me how to treat this disease daily.  This morning I've been reflecting on the choices I made instead of visiting him and it sickens me.

If he were still with us, I would tell him "I was wrong to be so self centered and insensitive".  And the thing that is crushing me this morning is I know he would tell me it's ok and give me a huge hug. 

That's who Jerry was.  And it's not totally that "I've" lost Jerry it's that "we've" lost him.  Because he won't be there to extend his loving embrace to another man or woman like me.

I'm so fucking pissed that it takes death for me to "get perspective".  I hear it all the time when there are tragic events.  It just feels so wrong that I'm taking the loss of this amazing man to teach me things he was trying to teach me for the blessed time I knew him.

I understand my group members better now, because I now know how it feels.  But it's a Catch fucking 22, Jerry had to die for me to get all of this.  It's too painful of a price to pay.

This hurts so bad.  I loved Jerry Jacobs.  I know everything's going to be ok, just like you always said to me Jerry, I really believe you. 

And I'm going to talk about you, long after you left us last night.  And a new man may not get why I'm talking about you and I'll will smile compassionately.  But in a very meaningful way you will never leave me because you filled my heart in an everlasting way. 

I love you Jerry Jacobs.

Is it God or god?

My relationship/friendship with God has taken an interesting turn.  For the majority of my life I ascribed the capital letter G to God out of fear and necessity I guess.  It was a sort of forced exultation.  And apparently he was the only one around.  He was kind of like this ultimate bouncer.  Because he decided who got in to the club and who didn't.

And as far as I could tell, he didn't only let in slutty looking hot chicks immediately and leave an average looking, likeable fellow like me in purgatory until I bribed him or until he looked at me and just said...dude, you are so going to hell.  He was that friend I could never really "connect" with but basically I had to say I knew him because everyone else I knew said they did.  And I always had to go hang out at his house to see him once a week.

Then we had kind of a break-up.  I decided that instead of trying to be God's groupie, that I was going to ignore him entirely.  Fine dude, if I ONLY can see you at your place, then I'm just going to do my "own thing".  So I started seeing other people. 

I hung out with this one spirit that was a like a colorful liquid rainbow slowly advancing life.  I spent some time with this man/woman combo type thing for a while.  I even spent some time without a God because I figured I knew best.

It was cool because they came over to my place and I never felt rejected by any of them because they weren't really "friends" per se, they were just people that told me whatever I was doing was fine, even though it wasn't so fine.

So I came back to someone I decided to call god.  And this god was super cool.  god handled a ton of stuff for me that I couldn't handel myself.  And god knew its place because by not capitalizing its name, it no longer was better than me or getting what I deemed to be a forced term of admission that goes beyond someone's regular name.

Just recently it changed again.  I've decided to call God God.  But see God's name could be Bill or Juan or Herbert.  It's just the name of my friend.  And like Bill or Mohammed (the most popular name on earth, THANK YOU Superbad) a lot of other people I know can be friends with someone named God too.

This friend however has a few twists.  God doesn't get all worked up if I don't call.  Actually, the only who seems to get worked up when I don't call God is me. 

God comes over whenever I want, but ironically, even when I don't want God is still there, but not in that like annoying dude who always wants to be around me because he saw me do stand up comedy "that one time". 

My friend God seems to always know how things are going to turn out and he knows they will always turn out ok.  It's cool though because I can watch a movie with God and he won't be like "OMG, it's so cool when they find out that the letter was actually written by HER, not his ex-wife"  (THANK YOU Silver Linings Playbook).  When I start freaking out, he's the cool one who says, dude, it's all good trust me and while sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, it is all good.

My friend God has a ton of other great qualities, but the best one of all is my friend God will never leave me.  I can get like super pissed or like talk bad about him to other peeps (come on dude, ANOTHER war, WTF???) and he's still like it's ok Tim that you talked me down.  My friend God doesn't talk to me about other peeps who have other friends like my friend God and say that they are like totally fucked come time death rolls around, I'm down with that.

God's the friend that is everything I've ever dreamed of and some things I've never even thought of.  God digs me and I dig him, he ain't heavy, he's my brother (THANK YOU the Hollies).

And brother, what a friend God is.

Avoiding the Death of Life

I'm at a point in my life where I don't really fear death that much.  I realize that when my time comes it will come.

But I'm also, more importantly, at a point in my life where I feel fear around the death of life.  How many days am I willing to give up, play ridiculously small and waste away?  I think I've given away more than I've taken over the past 20 years or so. 

Yes, I'm of the type that could take that input and beat the living daylights out of myself.  I think I've done quite a bit of that as well over the past 20 years or so.  But wouldn't beating myself virtually lifeless be another version of giving days away?

The death of life is familiar, I've felt it.  And to paraphrase Einstein, the mind that created the problem is not the mind qualified to solve it.  Put differently, I can't use the stuff I've used to this point to transcend it.

I know it's going to be painful to ultimately transistion to it, but not as painful as "deadful living".

I also know that if I wait until I'm "ready" or feel "peaceful" or "whole" or "healed" to connect to god or any other power to get me through it, I'm screwed.

Why wait?  The power or god has always been ready, when will I be?

Does Faith = Intimacy?

A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me and it was transformative.  I experienced my mother in a brand new way.  We talked about things with an honesty that had little reference for me.

Additionally, she has opinions that I don't completely agree with.  Historically, I've judged them or at minimum got annoyed at them.  This time I just let her be and accepted her for who she is.

I experienced a level of intimacy that's unfamiliar.  It felt like a piece of my heart was lit that either has been long forgotten or never had been used.

It got me thinking about my relationship with my own version of god. I ascribe certain attributes to my god (and by the way, I'm not suggesting you do the same or believe in the god I do or even that you should believe in god). 

My version of god is a perfect power.  So, the question becomes:  How do I become intimate with a power like that?

I learned that a great path to deep connection is embracing the fact that we're all human and connecting through that.  We share pain, problems, happiness, uncertainty, etc. and we're there for each other.

But how do I become intimate with something that's perfect?  A few friends suggested the answer may be faith.

Candidly, I don't really understand what they mean, but I did nod my head in agreement (hiyo!).  But I suppose some level of faith that my god is working in my life does create a relationship.

I certainly can't lie to my god because it knows everything about me.

It's a bit confusing.  But this is clear, if I can bring the experience I had with my Mom into my relationship with god, therein lies an infinite reward.