T-M-I from T-I-M

Often women want to fix things rather than listen to feelings too

I legit ride or die with SO many of my women friends and yet.....

 

90% of these women after talking with me about a difficult thing they're going through:

 

"Thank you so much Tim it's incredible to actually talk to a man who will patiently and attentively listen to my feelings. I love that you don't try to solve things you just listen."

 

2 weeks later, when I share something that's difficult going on with me a notable percentage of that same beloved cohort respond to me (from I'm certain some kind of loving place) with things like:

 

"You'll land on your feet and find something better."

 

"Often with stuff like this it ends up being the best thing that could have happened."

 

"When that happened to me here's what I did, I can share that plan or approach that I used with you."

 

Or the confounding "God has a plan for you Tim"

 

There is an astonishingly low number of women that actually say things to me in that moment like:

 

"Oh that must be really difficult" or

 

"Tell me more" or

 

Just breathe deep and quietly let me keep going

 

Or even....

 

"Wow, how are you feeling about it?"

 

It's a fascinating dynamic.

 

At times I have to say these well meaning friends who I know care about me, I just want to share my feelings right now I don't you need to solve this.

 

And I think we'd all be surprised at the still notable number of women who after I say this STILL try to solve my problem.

 

Life is just odd at times

 

My point is I know all the stuff that many of my well meaning women friends respond first to me (I tell them that, yes I know it will be ok).

 

And it's BECAUSE I know these things that I'm able, willing and ready to talk to you about my feelings.

 

And the even bigger challenge is if I tell my friend that at times I DON'T know if it's going to be ok it's a call to even be more patient with me as I talk about my feelings.

 

For any of my beloved women friends who read this, I don't love you any less, I'm trying to love myself even more and teach you how to love me.

Confidence and Expectations

I wrote this for a private group on Facebook and thought it was worthy to share on my blog....

I was at a men's group on Sunday when 6 turned on women came to talk to the group. The word that popped up most was confidence. It got me thinking about the relationship between confidence and expectations.

I've long associated the idea of confidence with a high degree of certainty of results, which create expectations. I'm confident so I'm going to get her number and that's that. I realized that this finite game (even if the number leads to dinner leads to sex) is frustrating and empty. I'm exploring the idea of expectations that aren't beholden to results rather they are about what's inside. Do I expect that regardless of what she says or does that I am confident that I'm lovable, worthy, hot, etc.? Do I expect that when you say stroke lighter or higher that I am confident in knowing that I'm always doing it right?

I have this really strong knowing that, ironically, when I'm confident in who I am desired "classic" results will often manifest. And, importantly, even if they don't, I keep moving, when necessary boldly reclaiming my power, my sex, my soul. In that, I penetrate you, on infinite levels playing an infinite game.

And I'll make mistakes dammit! I'll try to save you when that's not at all what you want. You'll be at sad and I'll try to meet you with sexy. I'll think (and maybe even act like) I know when in fact I'm totally confused and lost. (Actually that last one you will probably know better and sooner than I will....).

All of that's ok, because if I'm not out making mistakes, I'm probably in making misery. So, maybe I'm ready for this huge shift. Maybe confidence isn't related to results oriented expectations as I've always thought. And I bet that's a really big step towards truly setting me free.

Missing Closeness and Intimacy

I got divorced almost 6 years ago.  I am still struggling to learn how to open up and let a woman into my heart.  I'll readily admit that right after the divorce I got involved with women who had, essentially, no chance to be a part of my life.  They were women that I would NEVER want as part of Zoe's life.

Since then, I have not had much success in connecting with a woman who I really feel I can grow with and love.  I pour a lot of my heart into my daughter and the reciprocity is nothing short of beautiful.  But I realize that I may be doing that at times to the detriment of pouring my heart into a relationship.

I'm scared.  I know that.  I really don't want to go through the pain that I went through in my divorce again.

But lately, the desire for intimacy and closeness in a relationship has been hitting me like waves of light.  It virtually demands my attention.  I've never felt it this intensely.  I see it, so I'm trying to not let it govern my decisions in dating.  Seems simple, but it's super tough.

The reward of intimacy and closeness is that it self-perpetuates if it's mutually felt.  It goes way deeper than sex.  It exists, perhaps, on a cellular level.

I've given up at times.  I've looked for it in other places throughout my life, it may be about time that I open myself up to it with a woman. 

That's easier said than done.

It's scary.

End Hopeless Relationships

I read this simple and powerful statement today and it feels worth sharing.  When I first heard it sounded like "giving up".  It also brought up some painful memories where people I've known in life may have done that with me. 

Yes, it's not hard to see that I'm hard on myself.

But looking at it more closely, it has some real merit.  At the Junto a few months ago, we talked about the idea of firing a friend.  I think the step before that is figuring out that the relationship is hopeless.

The clarity of this statement rang right through my soul as I considered a few relationships in my life right now that are hopeless.  (One of which has already ended.)

My definition of hopeless is that it continually brings negativity and conflict in my life in one way or another regardless of how skilled I am inside of the relationship.  It's about getting MY needs met in a relationship on a far more regular basis than.....rarely or never.

I understand that loving kindness is important but inner peace trumps that.  But it's always the question of when I should end it.

It gets trickier when it involves family (a brother or sister for example). 

I can also see where this approach would be almost impossible, with my daughter.  It's nowhere near hopeless but what would I do if at some point in the future it felt like it was? 

Pre & Post-Coital Relationship Honesty

I was thinking the other day about how men and women treat each other pre & post coitus.

Presuming that sexual encounters end with men effervescing 99% of the time and women maybe 9% of the time, do you think that men and women have different things to talk about before and after sex? 

After commenting shortly afterwards (real or not) "That was GREAT!"  (usually real for the man, for the woman...maybe a little different).  What does a man want to talk about?

Likely not a lot.  After all, how good a conversation can you really have while sleeping?  I'm convinced that women have eltriptophan coarsing through their veins and like a pheromone it emits after sex and lulls the man to sleep.  If only the Lions and Cowboys were on TV and a few dead turkeys were around, you'd have thanksgiving.

If we are awake it's self-evident that talk about "the relationship" on either side is misleading.  Pre, most dudes will say lots of things they don't mean to get it. 

Post, unfortunately we do as well because we got it.  It's one of those very weird times in life when a man (for an ever so brief second) is NOT thinking about sex (which is probably why we all fall asleep).

MOST unfortunately what that means is that it's not wise to talk about the relationship with a man pre or post coitus.  And really is there any other time in left in life?

Before and after sex, what does a woman want to talk about?  Actually I have no idea. 
Maybe they want to talk about the relationship, don't they always??

I wish they would be TOTALLY honest.  Maybe:  "Well, chalk it up to another short lived adventure of watching someone else get what they want.  Just out of curiosity (insert man' name here) have you ever said "orgasm" with the word "give" instead of "have" in your whole life?"

Of course this is only from what I hear because I don't disappoint, OH BEHAVE!!!!

HIYO!!!

The next derivative of online dating

A friend at work told me about how he met his wife when they were both active players of Worlds of Warcraft, a massively multiplayer online game (mmog).  I guess as part of the game play you get to know one another.  And, I suppose, in real life one thing leads to another.

It's nice I'm sure because right off the bat you find out you have something in common.  It's not much different than meeting someone in a running club or a painting class.  It just so happens that what you are doing when you meet is not real.

They are a happy couple and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are thousands of other examples of the same things happening in this and other games.  And yes, it does make me think that in some way perhaps the gameplaying community could recognize this and perhaps do something about it (maybe cross the functionality of match.com into the game). 

Of course I bet that an idea like that would leave the majority of gamers howling about selling out.

Then again I also bet that there's also a huge number of those howlers who wouldn't mind going on a date and haven't done so in quite a while.

I just find it fascinating and in some ways a little heartwarming.  Nice to hear how technology can actually connect rather than seemingly further divide us at times.

Acceptance of fallibility and happiness seem to go hand in hand

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how important it is to remind myself that I (and every other human on this planet) is fallible by definition.  Actually, I guess I might consider excluding a brand new born infant because fallibility wouldn't seem to come into play (interesting topic for another blog post perhaps).

Lately I think I've learned quite a bit about myself when I realized that my father is human.  I've always held my father on a saintly pedestal and, until recently, haven't connected that my view of him inhibits the honesty in my relationship with him and, more importantly, my view of myself.

I was talking with a friend last night about how much easier it is for me to accept the reality of being human as it applies to global or organizational issues (like what I wrote about the Catholic church).  But when it comes to my personal relationships (particularly when it comes to those who are really important in my lives) it's a little trickier.

For me, however, there is such power in realizing that in fact we are all human because that includes me.  I'm going to make mistakes.  If I don't accept my humanity, I'm sure, at a minimum, to be hard on myself.  I will also probably add to the drama because I will think it will lower myself in your eyes which I now believe is really important because I'm trying to keep up some type of act.

Knowing that we're all human inspires compassion in me quicker than judgment.  And when I reflect that onto myself it feels really good.  And when I don't I can simply remember that I'm human and I'll make mistakes!

A BEAUTIFUL engagement video

I'm romantic and love bold expressions of commitment and creativity.  My friend Shellie Warren shared a video with me today that has me in tears right now.  The images, music and story are all inspirational.

God bless this beautiful couple and their wonderful story.  Please be patient the video takes a while to download but it's worth the wait.

Here's the story, according to one of the couple's friends:

My friend Rob just got engaged a couple of months ago. He told me that God was unfolding a vision in his life over the span of about a year and then he put faith to feet and made it happen. He sent me over the slide show today and after I watched it I sat here almost in tears. Just to give you a brief synopsis of what went on (and yes I did get Rob and Keisha's permission to share this great story with all of you)...Rob and Keisha dated for about 4 years. And he knew that she was the one...but he had to save up for all that God had prompted him to do for her. So in short what you are about to see happen on April 28th....he rented out 10 rooms in the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead and invited about 50-60 people to be there for this special night...Keisha had to go from room to room and in each room were people who were special to them....his boys...her girls...her Bible Study group....his parents...her parents..etc. and everybody in each room had questions that she had to answer to be able to move to the next room and before she left each room the people there would pray over her....so you have to watch each room to see how that goes...he chose roses because Keisha aunt who passed suddenly loved roses and he bought some of the dipped in gold because of the stories in the Bible about Solomon and how everything was dipped in gold and the song that you hear playing in the background was the same song that was played at Keisha aunt's funeral, she was like a second mom to Keisha.

The video is very moving and the pictures are quite beautiful.  Say what you want about religion, etc. this type of love is truly a gift from God.  And given these folks are church-goin' folks, religion isn't all that bad from time to time.

Check it out here!

You mean I can't put my around the girl I'm "going with"

I read this morning that there is a school in VA that does not allow ANY contact between students.  A family is challenging the ruling after their child (Hal Beaulieu) put his arm around his girlfriend.

I'm sorry, I just don't see the point in not letting kids put their arms around each other.  I suppose if there it goes to far or if a "wardrobe malfunction" is imminent then perhaps someone could step in, but other than that, I just don't see it.

I particularly like this quote:

School officials say the rule helps keep crowded hallways and lunchrooms safe and orderly, and ensures that all students are comfortable

Yeah....I was a real blackboard jungle candidate when I put my around Robin Siade.  She was the first girl I had ever asked to "go with me" (where I have no idea) and was also the first girl I put my arm around.

I remember I did it while she was eating....which I'm sure was probably a little "uncomfortable" and therefore a violation of the school's code, but nevertheless, I loved it.  Maybe a good idea is for the parents to encourage their children to talk to them if they are uncomfortable and for the administrators to help them feel ok to talk about it.

On the other hand, I guess this is a living example of why laws are made because the presumption is we're clueless to act respectfully without them.  And of course by making that presumption you only further fuel the desire to do what they are telling us not to do....

How to get men to share their feelings

I posted a few days ago that women still don't know how to get men to share their feelings.  My good bud Franziska chimed in that she would like me to tell her how to do that.  Here's my best shot.

One thing that works well with me is to trick me into it.  I read a fascinating article a while back about how a woman "trained" her man to pick up around the house, organize himself, etc.  She used the same approach that exotic animal trainers use.  She rewarded the behavior that she wanted (however small it may be) and when things weren't going as she might have liked, she didn't add to it by getting angry and critical.  Slowly but surely, it worked.

So, one thing I was thinking about is that by simply admitting that I don't know how to talk about my feelings, is in fact talking about my feelings.  I'm uncertain (maybe you can get to scared later that's a little to big of a jump for the first take) and maybe even a little confused which are sort of like feelings.

My bet is that as a woman it would be really hard not to take the bait and go with it and want to burst through the door and go all "View" and want to dig deeper.  But I think just recognizing the success (and rewarding me for it) would at least help me.  And, btw, maybe even a little compassion like "I know  it's hard to do this, hell I even struggle with it and I, as a female, am supposed to have this down".

Secondly, I had a good friend, who I know I'm indebted to, who just didn't give up on me.  She just kept saying "No, tell me how you feel Tim.  Good, bad, okay are not feelings."  Granted it was tough and I shut her down on a number of occassions but like a prize fighter, she just kept coming back (insert AA joke here if you like!).

Next a few ideas of when NOT to start to teach me to talk about my feelings:

• In the middle of an argument and even after it.  I'm sorry it just doesn't work.  Just like the woman who wrote the article avoided giving "feedback" when her husband stormed around looking for his wallet.  I know it's hard becauase we're at our most dangerous when arguing and afterwards (we hurt your feelings and then won't take responsibility for it, much less even validate that it much matters....) but it doesn't seem to be a good time to learn.
  
  Teach us when the stakes are low.
• When there are ANY other males around.  Sorry, for us beginners, it's probably good to include sons in this one, better to expose them to the new and improved product then the testing phase.
• When any "real" sports are on.  Several years ago, I went to the Figure Skating Nationals in San Jose and Rudy Galindo won.  I had a huge lump in my throat and maybe even a tear or two.  I'm sure I was impacted by the major femininity around me.  I'm sure my former wife would have loved to talk about how I was feeling.  Ummmm, not a good idea.
  
  Dudes don't watch sports to talk about feelings, they watch sports to think about stuff and maybe occassionally feel themselves like all the baseball players do.
• After sex.  This is a real tough one for me to type and I KNOW that many women want to do it (talk about feelings) after we....do it.  Let's face it women are more attuned to the union and feelings shared during sex than men are.

Ladies, I'm not suggesting that we dudes will never be able to speak about our feelings in these situations, I'm just saying give us time.  I also understand that coming to "our" side is WAY easier than coming to "your" side.  I hope we all remember that on a round planet...there's no choosing up sides (sorry I just heard that from Wayne Dyer, I don't know why it came out...) 

Anyhoo, do us a favor and throw us a bone to begin with and we can all re-discover puppy love.