T-M-I from T-I-M

Why "You can only love others as much as you love yourself" is wrong

TL;DR:  How I love my daughter has taught me how to love myself, not the other way around

I know how I feel about myself. My self love has become, slowly, less conditional. It will never be unconditional, that's not for the humanity.

I've been struggling for years thinking I gotta love myself more or I'll never really love others. The stress and confusion of that statement is debilitating at times.

I finally realized something, it's not completely correct.

I love my daughter in ways that I know I don’t love myself at times. My capacity to love has expanded exponentially being her father as time has passed.

I find places in myself that I’ve even thought of.

Whether it's listening to her talk about the most challenging parts of her life without jumping in or stepping back and letting her have the dignity of difficult experiences, giving her choice it's the same.

There are these "Wow if I can love like THAT, I know I have that capacity for love, even for myself".

I tell her I love you often and it’s often from the depths of myself. I almost never say that to myself.

The bodily sensation of saying it is so notably atypical that I feel a bit shook that it’s there. It's at the cellular level as a friend once said.

My body, the greatest truth teller of all, tells me I've reached a new level in service to love her.

It feels like a devotion and care that at times is or has been dormant to the point of non existence. I realize in those moments, wow that’s the kind of love I’m capable of perhaps I can give that to myself.

You might be saying “Ah you couldn’t have done that if you didn’t already unknowingly love yourself!”

There are two issues with that statement:

First, I virtually never say that to myself. I have at times, in the mirror but rarely day to day.

Second, when I do I never have that bodily sensation that shakes me into thinking “Wow I didn’t know I had that in me about myself”.

I know my self talk and self feeling and neither fits into that category. My body sensation when I say that is less like WOW and more like Dracula reacting to holy water.

You may also be saying “Maybe that’s you grieving what you didn’t feel when you were a child”

Hmmm, that’s not a bad one but the thing is I’m not talking about what Zoe feels. I’m talking about what I feel.

Is it possible that when my Dad (he said it often) or Mom (she said it less often) said it they felt that shook feeling in their body?

I suppose that’s possible but honestly I’ll never really know.

For me when I submit to the near tyranny of the perspective that “I can only love others as I love myself” I find myself spun and unwilling to share love as freely as I do.

I can make the case, credibly, about how I eat, exercise, work on myself, etc are demonstrable examples of how I love myself. I can certainly make the case the thoughts that I have are examples as well.

I can certainly say that I NEVER have the thoughts about my daughter that I have about myself. Having been through numerous periods of my life (including very recently) of continuous casual thoughts of suicide, I simply never talk to her like that.

However I’ve found that by exercising more my mindset and feelings change. I don’t think “If I really loved myself I’d do this”. It’s shaming, not motivating.

I don’t love my daughter to “act as if” I love myself. That feels disingenuous.

It’s really simple I have moments when I show up for my daughter in ways I would NEVER dreamed possible, I learn what’s possible in me and for me.

I do have those moments when I help my closest friends or family members I deeply care about so the pressure isn't on Zoe. Rather Zoe is the easiest example to point to.

It's not on her for me to grow like this and it led me to this conclusion:

I prefer to reframe the statement as “I learn how divinely I can love myself by how I love others”.

 

 

Review: Being Mary Tyler Moore on HBO (2023)

TL;DR: I knew very little about Mary Tyler Moore and wasn't a big fan and this documentary is a must see.




The Mary Tyler Moore documentary on HBO is compelling and fascinating. I knew almost nothing about her personally.

The only real roles I knew her for were the mom in Ordinary People and Flirting With Disaster. I was a marginal Dick Van Dyke Show fan and never watched the Mary Tyler Moore show.

Given the roles I knew her for which were either a quite flawed, unwilling to change or an over the top at times inappropriate mom I hadn’t really connected with her as a major TV star.

The documentary is held together by a couple of incredible interviews with her and Rona Barrett, Dinah Shore, David Letterman (his daytime show) and others. It also includes a number of interviews, most of which you don’t see the person, friends, family members, etc.

She was an entertainment vanguard.

She was super progressive in her shows for the time. For example, she was the first woman on TV who wore pants instead of those god-awful dresses I’d see women doing chores in.

She also was a comedic actor trailblazer. It’s described exquisitely how she achieved it.

More impactful was that the Mary Tyler Moore shore was groundbreaking as it was supposed to be the first show with a divorced woman as the main role. CBS scrapped the idea as unacceptable (incredible factoid).

She played the role out as a single woman in Minneapolis and a working, career-oriented woman.

Not surprisingly given that, the writers included the first woman who ever wrote on a national broadcast sitcom. Unbelievably the creator was James L. Brooks (yes THAT one from the Simpsons).

It was fascinating to see how it played out that she was an advocate of women’s rights. She and her team pushed the envelope and yet it tells a story where Gloria Steinem said it wasn’t enough.

She was a kind of America’s sweetheart. It was fascinating to see how she ended up with two incredible casts with spectacular writing rooms.

And yet the doc also tells the stories of how she handled rejection and difficulty. So much so she almost didn’t take on the Dick Van Dyke show.

The show really took off when it moved into how she moved to New York and took on new roles and personas that were so different. I LOVED her in Ordinary People (one of my top 5 movies of all time).

I couldn’t understand how she could step so deeply into that role and become this person who I somehow both despised and felt sorry for.

I learned that her family life was full of misunderstanding, difficulty, alcoholism and tragedy. I thought the documentary emphasized this at the perfect time with the perfect weight. It didn’t feel overwhelming and it set the perfect context.

It reminded me of those pictures that used to look like a bunch of random colors and shapes until you looked through it or at it slightly differently and suddenly a rocket ship would appear.

It opened my eyes to who she really was. It’s like her whole career and personal life were the whole story. She loved dancing as a child, it was her first passion.

Towards the end of the doc she says something like “I consider myself a failed dancer and a successful actress.”

During all those interviews there’s this somewhat frenetic energy that seems to protect some core part of herself.

The documentary does an incredible job of illuminating that core part of herself. She was a multi-dimensional, quite wounded woman.

It’s so profound to see the parallel between her doing the “everything looks dreamy” type roles while her insides had a lot of turmoil and her role Ordinary People (a movie about that subject on a familial level).

Not surprisingly, there are some serious tear jerker scenes in the documentary.

The most poignant is a scene in the Mary Tyler Moore Show with the actor who plays her father. Mary had a challenging relationship with her father (her parents are touched on somewhat mostly by reference).

I won’t spoil it. I will tell you that the poignant dynamic of unsaid things finally really said is emotional writing at the very highest level.

I didn’t know that she lost her son to a what they describe as a gun accident, it’s heartbreaking. It was another reminder that when a parent loses a child I think in almost every case a piece of that parent is lost. It’s as if a slice of the soul lifts out of their body.

The final scenes of the movie include a stunning list of women actors who credit their emergence and success partly or substantially to Mary Tyler Moore. It's really moving.

After watching it, I’m not a bigger fan of hers. I don’t feel compelled to watch either TV series. I do feel slightly compelled to watch Ordinary People again.

This movie is a perfect piece of art that demonstrates stories well told make the resonance, interest or even fandom of the subject secondary.

For me the documentary became a human interest story and a powerful reminder of how our stories matter if we only ask about them.

Mary Tyler Moore's story is somehow fun, sad, moving, hopeful and connecting. I would never have thought it could be.

#marytylermoore #BeingMaryTylerMoore

Laura Dern & Cheryl Strayed at SF City Arts Lecture

Laura Dern live on her new book Honey, Baby, Mine: A Mother and Daughter Talk Life, Death, Love (and Banana Pudding)

TL;DR: Laura Dern reminded me that in intimate impactful relationships truth held back is damaging, truth shared is freeing.

I saw Laura Dern in convo with Cheryl Strayed (author of the terrific book Wild) last night. The subject of the talk was Laura’s (yep I'm calling her Laura!) new book about her relationship with her mom, actor Diane Ladd.

Her mom got a possibly fatal diagnosis from a respiratory illness as a result of a weed killer chemical used on a farm nearby her. As part of Diane’s rehabilitation, the two of them went on a bunch of walks.

They started with short ones and grew from there. As part of the time together and the near term fatal diagnosis (Diane’s lived beyond it already) they decided the would talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about their relationship.

Laura started by noting: Parents lie to their children. Children lie to their parents. Oftentimes because neither wants to hurt the other one’s feelings.

I’d never heard it put so plainly and it hit right to my heart.

The types of talks they had were wide ranging from recipes to deeply hurtful emotional experiences as time went on.

When Laura shared that sometimes she just needed to say “You did this when I was younger and it hurt me” without necessarily litigating what happened it was quite touching.

She admitted that while they hadn’t figure everything out and may never that being in the mess was better than holding it in. Laura thinks that part of her mom’s health improvement is setting aside the burden of these unsaid things.

She told a hilarious emotional story of when her mom gave her parenting advice. She was triggered and found it in her to lift and throw a 7 foot couch.

She made it clear that it actually happened!

Oh and she does an AMAZING Diane Ladd imitation.

Laura told her mom that it hurt that she was gone so much for her job acting (at a time when both Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern were making very little money).

Laura followed it up by sharing that she did the exact same thing when telling her teenage daughter she was going to work over an important week for her daughter.

I go to a lot of these events and I love it when authors, scientists, actors, etc. share parenting stories (France McDormand did the same thing with a different story).

Laura told an incredible story that she was booted out of UCLA from her college degree path because she took the job to be in Blue Velvet (one of my all time faves).

Speaking of which (of course) I asked a question. I started saying that she was one of my hardest to explain crushes as a teenager having seen her for the first time in Blue Velvet.

I’d be like “Wow Blue Velvet is SO disturbing…..did you see Laura Dern she is so HOT!!”.

Given my background with my daughter that many of you know with my addiction and now sustained long term sobriety I wanted her perspective.

You see given what she talked about her children lived an awful long time with someone who modeled her relationship with her mom Diane Ladd with her kids. So she certainly behaved in some ways that she’d like to take back (like me).

I think there are two categories of things from the past for my daughter (I’m sure there’s more but this is how I think and feel).

She’s aware of an issue and not ready to talk about it and may even tell me that.

I can actually handle that one ok. It’s a touch nerve wracking but that’s about my patience.

The second category are issues she’s not aware of. Those are the ones that are hard for me to take because she’s being run consciously or unconsciously by them potentially.

How do you navigate that?

She said the most important party is the invitation to have the conversation. And when the time comes be ready.

She opened my mind to something I’d never thought of before.

As part of the conversations with her mom she realized that she always wanted to ask about her parents’ relationship before their divorce.

She playfully watered down her mom’s response but one of the big hooks was that Bruce Dern was an incredible lover.

I was thinking about my daughter SO many times during the talk and she actually called during it.

I called her later and gave her an invitation to ask about my relationship with her mom before our divorce (which had a ton of good times and incredible journeys).

Oh in case you’re wondering I would not look back at myself as any kind of incredible lover back then….key words there are “back then”

She told a story about being 6 ½ on the set of Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and peering through a crack in a bathroom door below Martin Scorsese as her mom and Ellen Burstyn talked earnestly about the realities of being a single mom.

It was a bit of a mind-twister because her mom was single at the time and she’s observing her mom talking about it.

They both touched on the idea that people might say that character is a "powerful woman" rather than just the character is powerful.

At several points like that in the interview I had a few "aha's" in the subtle or overt way I might say things like that in front of Zoe in particular or anyone else.

Cheryl Strayed was INCREDIBLE as the interviewer. They admitted up front that they have a great relationship and that was undeniably evident.

Having gone to so many of these the interviewer makes a GIGANTIC difference and Cheryl delivered.

Admittedly I was positively biased going into it in that I LOVED her book Wild.

Their real life chemistry is unmissable.

I also went in wanting to like Laura Dern (not surprisingly…honestly I still have a crush on her!). Sometimes stars just aren’t very interesting in long form more intimate interviews. She delivered and so much more.

Revisiting my teenage Blue Velvet crush turned out to be basically the only slightly uncomfortable part of the event. I’m SO glad I went.

For the Love of Peet's Kids

I am a regular at Peet's in SF on Chestnut where I can do my writing. I realized today it's fueled in some way by the infants and toddlers I see there.

 

I love:

The wonder when parents walk in with their kids

The amazement when the babies see the plants on the wall and their eyes grow WIDE

The happiness when a child gets chocolate milk

The despair then happiness when the straw goes all the way into the chocolate milk box and mom or dad come to the rescue

The tenderness when a mom is waiting for coffee and her baby's eyes catch her eyes and she leans in to softly share her love

The joy when a child skips alongside the parents or dances alone while they wait for their coffee

The disbelief when a daughter tells me she is 2 years old and I tell them I have a daughter who is 22 (ok not disbelief because I look young, just like the disbelief of somebody who is 22 years old and is a daughter)

The desire when a young child is at eye level with the food and drinks the fridge below the cashier and wants EVERYTHING (including stuff that I'm certain they wouldn't like)

As much as I love all of this, this is my favorite. I love the progression:

I catch eyes with a baby

The baby stops all movement and stares right into my soul

I break into a huge smile

The baby doesn't know what to make of it

The baby looks up at mom or dad for..... guidance I guess

I smile widely at the baby again

The baby scrunches into a ball, parent notices sees I'm safe and says "Are you being shy?"

I look away for a bit turn back and the baby is staring right at me

I break into a huge smile

The baby starts to feel it's ok and a smile breaks all over the baby's face

Now we're connected

I go back to my writing and notice the baby leaving

As the baby leaves, the baby leans out of the stroller to look back one last time before moving on with life

It's unparalleled genuine connection.

From time to time I worry about the world and these experiences tell me to stop worrying and get back to paying attention.

Bringing new children into the world is an overt sign of real hope that will always overcome any kind of despair.

Thank you all for bringing your kids. For the love of Peet's keep doing it!

Review: Wednesday on Netflix

I watched the Netflix series Wednesday over the weekend and it’s fantastic.

TL;DR (and this is long!): Wednesday is a compelling, fun series touching on crucial dy 
namics of teenagers. For any dads of daughters, I suggest watching it (I bet your daughters already have).

Wednesday Addams (played by the magnificent Jenna Ortega) goes to a school of outcasts and even in that school SHE is an outcast.

Her character has an unwavering commitment to truth and is unafraid to speak about what she believes.

Ortega is special because she plays the character’s commitment perfectly (along with her dark sense of humor). She also plays the moments when Wednesday is vulnerable.

A friend in the show says she admires that Wednesday doesn’t seem to care about what others think. She responds beautifully “Maybe I should care more”.

What makes her so compelling is her facial expressions which emote the complexity of who Wednesday is. It made me feel like I felt her and resonated with her emotionally.

Wednesday commits herself to solving a series of crimes committed by a “monster”. The series has that attractive trait that at one point I think I know who is guilty, only to think it is someone else.

The outcast school has teenage boys and girls all of whom have some kind of special power that allows them to transform or activate that power. That TOTALLY feeds my nerdy Dungeon and Dragons side.

I’m not surprised that the writers/creators of the show also created the series The Shannara Chronicles (based on Terry Brooks magnificent series of books starting with The Sword of Shannara (a lighter version of the Hobbit). I read all of his books like 5 times when I was a kid).

The outcasts’ school is adjacent to a town of “normal” people with complicated pasts.

The writing in the show is exceptional. I love how it both portrays the outcast social dynamics of young men and women. And I love how the show handles Wednesday’s transition from outcast to accepted.

I also love how the writing delves into the tension between the outcasts and the normal teenagers in town. It’s an innovative way to portray Wednesday as an outcast among outcasts at school then an outcast as part of the outcasts in the town.

One thing I didn’t expect which I loved was how the show explored parental tension with the kids (both at the school and in the town). It explores things like:

How to handle parents who want be or do something like them when the children want to blaze their own path
How parents try to control who their children hang out with regardless of their desires
And, most importantly, moments where the teenagers stand up to their parents

Wednesday has a roommate that is the exact opposite of her. Enid (played by Emma Myers) is a bright, bubbly, colorful young woman who works really hard to connect with Wednesday.

Myers is wonderful in how her face and demeanor emotes her happy go lucky self.

The show, directed by Tim Burton, shows their shared dorm room. One half is super colorful for Enid and the other half is dark for Wednesday.

Enid is a werewolf who hasn’t “wolfed out” yet, meaning she hasn’t transformed ever fully. Her conflict with her parents is really compelling. Enid felt stressed that she hadn’t wolfed out and therefore was a disappointment to her parents.

On “Parents Day” at Nevermore (the school) her mom puts a lot of pressure for her to wolf out, creating conflict. Her father is silent until the very end of the visit.

After Enid stands up to her mom who leaves, she has moment with her Dad. He said to her:

“I’m proud of you kiddo. You do you”

Yep, I cried at that point. Nothing like a good father daughter moment.

While Enid was a seemingly unwavering cheerleader for Wednesday I really liked how at one point she draws a boundary and leaves her temporarily. When Enid admits why to Wednesday (standing up to her) it’s a powerful emotional moment.

I LOVED how the script deftly portrays that when Enid finally stopped worrying about what other people thought (maybe from Wednesday) she wolfed out.

There is quite a bit of chatter online that it’s meant to be a comp to “coming out”. That may be partially or even fully true. I think it’s broader than that (while still including that).

It feels weird to say this but Thing (a severed hand) is the next most compelling character. The way Thing communicates and reacts to Wednesday is so fun and sweet.
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Thing seems to be the one character who can call Wednesday out (although others eventually do).

Among the other actors I liked Catherine Zeta Jones as her mom. I LOVED (and was a bit surprised by) that Luis Guzman played her dad. He’s one of those actors that I get excited for when he’s in the show (after just having seen him in Shameless!).

Fred Armisen did a GREAT job playing Uncle Festus. Christina Ricci was meh as a the only normie teacher at the school.

In general, all of the other performances were suitable but not outstanding.

One last thing. In one episode Wednesday dances to the song Goo Goo Muck by the Cramps. It is transcendent. It surpassed Pulp Fiction’s dance scene for me.

Once again Ortega feels it fully and lets it rip while dancing.

For any Dads out there a huge percentage of girls/teen girls are probably watching this series. (my daughter is) It’s worth watching because it’s entertaining and compelling.

It’s a must see because it’s a great look into social dynamics of boys and girls and a GREAT platform to talk about the show with your daughter.

#wednesdayaddams #wednesday #wednesdaydance 

Topic 4: Why I no longer weep at songs that remind me of a young Zoe

Topic 4 of several: How I stopped repeatedly weeping at the same songs

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

There are certain songs I listened to when Zoe was very young. Over the last 5 years in particular when I would listen to those songs, I would cry…. like EVERY time.

The songs include:

Make You Feel My Love (acapella version)
Daughters by John Mayer
Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson

I’d listen to them connect back to when she was young and I was in the darkest days of my addiction. My tears flowed because of the regret for what I was during those years.

The last two songs in Shawshank Redemption (So Was Red and End Title) in particular were really painful.

When Zoe was a baby, we traveled on an airplane to Virginia. She was fussy, I was admittedly a bit high. That being said, I took her in my arms and she rested on my chest.

I walked up and down the aisle of the plane comforting her by humming those songs from Shawshank Redemption as she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. It was a tender, loving moment that I chose to look at with regret.

I have been listening to all those songs in the last week and a half there are not tears of regret. I’ve forgiven myself for who I was then.

When I shed a tear listening to them it’s purely from how beautiful the songs are.

There’s a legitimate difference between tears of shame and regret and tears of the joy of the beauty of music. Now I know the difference and that I’m healed.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

How I finally forgave myself

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

TL;DR: I finally forgave myself by hacking myself to find the blocks and feel them.

Entry 1: How I forgave myself

I have been sober 11 ½ years. When I was deep in my addiction I did things, particularly with Zoe that felt unforgiveable.

For most of my life I held a deep seated resentment towards my parents and my brother Jeff. I realized that part of that ongoing anger was directed at myself. How could I? WHY is it still there?

Well meaning, loving and trusted friends in my life were at times confounded why I wouldn’t let myself off the hook.

I had a therapist tell me “Just let it go” with nothing else which was not helpful.

There’s a popular idea: “Act as if”. So I was meant to act as if I forgave myself even though I hadn’t.

It felt inauthentic even why I tried it, it didn’t land. It felt like when a friend says the words I’m sorry and I don’t feel it in my body.

It’s not that I’m blocking it, it’s that my body doesn’t feel it.

My body is the ultimate truth teller.

When I performed my play this weekend I publicly told the intimate details of my redemptive arc. I took the attendees to the depths of my addiction and sickness.

I ended the play by sharing how Zoe sees and feels me now in her honest and courageous way.

 

When I emerged to the bar where and saw everyone else, I could FEEL their bodies in my body. It was unmistakable that the what is now is not just a sign of my arc emotionally and relationally now compared to how that and I was then.

 

Many, many times I’ve said “I know I’m a different dad today” “I know I was sick then” and so much more but it couldn’t get to my essence of blocking self forgiveness.

 

The play was a first step getting to self forgiveness. I could feel it as I talked to people afterwards.

 

And self-forgiveness isn't full to me by warming the ice of an instance or even a single relationship.

And yet finding self forgiveness with Zoe was a HUGE step.

 

I participated in a personal, deep healing ceremony unlike anything I have ever done before. The ceremony hacked the part of me that was blocking my self forgiveness.

 

I thought it was my mind.

 

Turns out it was my heart.

 

In the ceremony, I found large black tightly held boxes of grief I’ve never expressed or even been aware of. The unaddressed wells of grief were what protected me from feeling my inner child who was so wounded and scared.

He was wounded so badly that any other part of me was in service to fiercely and constantly defending that little boy.

In the experience I cried deeper, harder, longer and more freely than I ever have. The black boxes were poked open and the raging river of emotions broke free and flowed.

FOR YEARS I’ve said to myself I don’t know why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t see it I don’t know why.

This healing experience all but hacked those comfortable but unhealthy defenses and got to the source, to my inner child.

And when the river subsided I was metaphorically, emotionally and safely at a river bed of calm. I viscerally experienced warmth, safety and clarity.

More than anything else when that little boy looked up from the river the first thing he and I both noticed was the sunrise.

The colors of warm orange, pink and yellow shone down upon us.

That sunrise was when I said to myself “I forgive you.”

My healthy, loving caring adult took my inner child, my angry teenager and my confused adult to the edge of the river bed and we all watched the sunrise. We all understood that the night was over.

I don’t question whether I’ve forgiven myself. I don’t worry that II might slip back.

The experience burst through the loneliness of confusion into the connection of forgiveness.

 

My body, the ultimate truth teller is telling me the truth, the forgiveness is permanent.

 

I’ll write 2-4 more pieces on this experience over the next week.

 

 

My rehearsal stirs feelings for my one person play Nov 11 & 12

My one "dad" play The Father Daughter Dance premiers Nov 11 & 12 in San Francisco.

Over the last week I rehearsed big parts of my play in front of two separate people for the first time. I FELT people have emotional reactions to what I am performing (laughter, sadness, and so many others).

 

It's rewarding and unnerving.

 

Feeling just one person's reaction will be many times multiplied Nov 11 & 12.

 

My creative process has been mostly lonely and isolated. I've shown people videos, got some coaching and it's different when I perform it.

 

When I listen to a song, see a painting I have my own experience with it, regardless of what the artist conveyed.

My breath gets shallow and my body tenses up when I realize that most every audience member will have their own experience regardless of what I convey.

 

That's should be freeing but it feels a bit confronting.

 

12 Random Thoughts on the Uvalde Murders

12 random thoughts on the Uvalde shooting:

 

1. My daughter the student now the teacher:

 

After 18 years worrying about whether my daughter would be killed in a school I will now worry another 20+ years about my daughter dying and being trained to kill someone to protect her students as a teacher.

 

To deny there aren’t likely adverse second and third order consequences to teachers having guns is myopic at VERY best.

 

There are American citizens who believe that we should turn teachers into part time law enforcement officials after a group of FULLY trained officers made MASSIVE errors.

 

Arming and training my daughter to protect her kids as a viable solution is INSANE.

 

And btw, how do you adjust their already ridiculously low salaries for this?

 

2. The surviving children:

 

I have not been able to get out of my mind and heart every minute when those children were in that room with that murderer.

 

I think the children that survived have a traumatic experience that will live devastatingly in their bodies for the rest of their lives.

 

If we really believe in supporting life, every one of those children that survived and parents of whose children were murdered should have access to free HIGH QUALITY mental health support for the remainder of their lives, paid by taxpayers (including me) or other organizations.

 

3. Statistical anomaly:

 

An awful numerical co-incidence: 19 children died while 19 law enforcement personnel waited to act.

 

4. Undeniable facts:

 

It’s undeniable that the murderer bought gun(s) legally and this shooting happened. Many gun murders and suicides of all kinds are done by people who buy guns legally. It’s a fact.

 

To deny that is a part of the issue is myopic.

 

It’s undeniable that some breakdown in the way these murderers are parented/brought up and how they were treated socially plays a role in what they do.

 

To deny that is a part of the issue is myopic.

 

It’s not an “or” it’s an “and”, a flawed legal gun buying system and damaged parental/guidance system both contribute to lost young and older adults.

 

5. The Killers:

 

Adults of every age have to be held accountable regardless of legality buying the gun, social/parental limitations. They MUST be punished.

 

Other than stopping them from killing more innocent people, I’m frustrated when the killer dies.

 

I want to understand them better to stop it in the future and a dark part of me believes it’s more of a punishment for them to live with this rather than die because of it.

 

The part of me that loves redemption stories is really, really challenged to desire redemption for the murderer of innocent children by adults or near adults with guns.

 

6. Lawsuits:

 

I’m in favor of pursuing lawsuits against (YES I get that these are VERY hard to do or even justify):

 

Gun companies that sell high-capacity weapons without increased scrutiny at a minimum.

Parents of people who use guns to kill children (like the Oxford parents were)

Individuals who post threatening content online. (This is starting to happen which I think is worthy although understandably a very difficult needle to thread.)

 

7. Gun Owners:

 

It’s interesting to me how many NRA members actually support thorough screenings that go beyond the current laws.

 

The people who think that our citizenry could POSSIBLY defend itself against our government’s military with a gigantic cache of AR-15’s and more are beyond delusional.

 

Bombs and tanks beat rifles every single time. The argument that this protects us from the tyranny of the government is absurd.

 

8. Politicians Politicize:

 

95% of politicians politicize EVERYTHING. That’s what politicians do, it’s their way to stay in power.

 

Politicians even politicize by accusing other of politicizing!

 

It’s harsh to say it but children being killed is a political opportunity in that the event is a way to enact change. It’s no different than when an illegal immigrant does something awful and that’s politicized.

 

My very cynical side wonders if some politicians wish this happened closer to the election.

 

My even more cynical side wonders if those politicians are relatively comforted knowing that it will likely happen again closer to it.

 

9. Would I?:

 

If given the opportunity to kill this murderer and it was the only option given to stop him if I knew he was on the way to do what he did, I would have a very difficult time saying no.

 

10. Terrorist?:

 

I have a hard time calling this murderer a terrorist. I don’t understand how to frame the Uvalde killing as politically motivated although it did take innocent lives. (those two conditions are the definition of terrorism)

 

I think the Pittsburgh murderer was a terrorist.

 

11. Contextualizing Gun Violence:

 

Gun violence in general is a gruesome issue in our country but:

It’s hard to compare gun violence by gangs against each other (that don’t take innocent lives) to this reasonably.

 

Innocent people killed in inner city gun violence when they are bystanders to gang violence is not the same either.

 

The innocent people in these inner-city murders are NOT the target. In Uvalde the innocents WERE the target.

 

It doesn’t mean these killings aren’t equally important (and the innocent children in particular killed are a tragedy) but to call them the same is not accurate.

 

Even that sentence is a little dark.

 

Suicide by gun can’t be compared to the Uvalde killings either. Having personal experience with this I can assure you it is simply not the same.

 

All four categories (the three above and the original issue) are issues that I’d hope we’d address and have some of the same approaches on legality of gun purchase and family/system upbringing as well as mental health.

 

Economic disparity is a notable issue for the inner-city killings that most people honestly don’t care or act like we care about if we’re being honest.

 

12. Random final thoughts:

 

I don’t know what it will take to wake us up collectively in a way that we do SOMETHING different.

 

While it’s not a white male thing exclusively, it’s astounding how often the worst of the worst events (Parkland, Columbine, Vegas, etc.) are perpetrated by white males and this one wasn’t.

 

This event blew a substantial hole in the let’s have good guys with guns there to handle it.

 

I actually hate that every once in a while I have to share “random” thoughts on topics like this but I do anyway.

 

Martial Arts meets kindness: Everything Everywhere All at Once

 

I saw Everything Everywhere All at Once with my daughter Zoe on Saturday and it’s almost hard to put into words how powerful it is.

 

In an odd way it’s a perfect Mother’s Day movie.

 

The only thing I knew going into it was that a lot of people I respect loved it. And I’m glad I followed my intuition to see it and I loved it.

 

It was an exercise in trust putting my heart and attention into the hands of the creators and performers, the trust was well rewarded.

 

Basically, the script focuses on an essentially lost woman who is unhappy in her marriage, scared of her father and has a fractured relationship with her daughter.

 

AND from the starting point of a dingy laundromat they own, her and her family are involved in a CRAZY set of amazing martial art battles across a series of concurrent realities called the multiverse to find her "it".

 

The entire story revolves around the realization that she has made small choices throughout her life creating her current reality. And the concurrent universes show her what her life “could have been” like.

 

It’s really hard to explain this story, no matter how good I am at writing.

 

It’s part Matrix, part Euphoria, part Arrival, part Parenthood, part Ted Lasso part Monsters Inc (yes!) and so much more.

 

Yet, it's kinda stunning or mind blowing that a film could pick amongst so many story telling and filmmaking devices that are familiar and STILL be totally original.

 

I’ve been saying this the last couple years, we are in the golden age of entertainment. The films, TV shows, music speak to issues in creative and powerful and compelling ways that I’ve never experienced.

 

The film takes on subjects like how living in the past damages our children, how living in fear with people we love damages possibilities to connect, how hard it can be to be a young person today, how choosing kindness and love can be fierce and so many other topics.

 

So much of it has to do with seeing, accepting and loving (no matter HOW flawed that love is) people for who they are.

 

There are some parts that are just WEIRD yet there is a point. At one point the characters have “hot dog fingers” that aren’t usable and they adjust. It’s the PERFECT way to describe how we find ways to share what we have even when we have shortcomings.

 

How the movie also picks from the "unchosen" lives from the Multiverse to unlock the mom's potential in the present "chosen" life is a fascinating plot device.

 

The heartbreaking way the movie depicts how the daughter moves through the world when there is SO much to take in simultaneously that she has vision into all of it without a way to really talk about it with her mom in particular.

 

I can tell you (without spoiling it) the last scene with the mother and the daughter is cinema at the highest level. It is deeply, deeply moving to feel the moment when judgment and separation melts away through courage and honesty.

 

I so appreciate coming out of the film how small choices get us to where we are and so small choices can get us to where we'd like to go regardless of where we are.

 

One seemingly small aspect of the film that feels innovative is that I loved is how it’s a true hybrid Chinese/English speaking film. I have never seen that before. It FEELS like being in a multi-generational Chinese household which I think is a great device I’d like to see more to see more cultures on film.

 

The cast is both nostalgic and talented:

 

I didn’t know until the end that the lead female actor was Michelle Yeoh who is a martial arts goddess.

 

Her husband was the young Asian kid in the lousy Temple of Doom Indiana Jones movie but his voice sounded SO familiar throughout and does a GREAT job portraying a guy who wants to have fun in life.

 

The father is David Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China (omg old school!).

 

Jamie Lee Curtis is OUTSTANDING as a crazy IRS agent villain.

 

And the daughter named Stephanie Hsu who I’ve never seen before was so lovely as the daughter portraying the difficulty, confusion and near despair of being a young woman balanced with the full hearted desire to be what she wanted to be in the world.

 

Zoe and I both laughed out loud during it, both wondered WTF during it and both cried at the end (although I cried several other times during it).

 

It’s a movie that can be quite understood and decided on based on a review, it can only be experienced and I’m glad I did.