T-M-I from T-I-M

Questions at a Coffee Shop

Questions at a Coffee Shop

I'm a writer, and part of my process is questions...I’m sitting at Peet’s on Chestnut and I have some:

For customers:

Is the line a social experience or a means to an end?

Are their indoor sunglasses a fashion statement or hangover reveal?

Do they have a cool “coffee name”?

(A “coffee name” is different than the name on your credit card or account, Franklin, the chatty fun barista in Peet’s threw this one in)

Is the music they’re bumping on their headphones cooler than mine?

How would they react if I actually told them what I listened to? "Lucky" by Britney Spears is a remarkably deep song people...

When they walk in in the middle of our lives and later someone asks “So what did you do today?” will they say they got coffee?

It seems like the word “with” is the operative word to turn a non-mentionable errand into a shareworthy experience.

I got coffee with….

As I sit here now how many people are actually working through difficult things together?

Do they walk out after “getting coffee with…” and have a fresh perspective and new hope?

Or do they walk out feeling heard and listened to, well worth the $6 cup of coffee?

How many of them change from their “pre-coffee” selves into “post-coffee” selves after having coffee here?

Does just the idea that soon they will be “post coffee” people perk them up a bit?

Or is the “post-coffee” benefit mostly experienced outside the store, after they leave?

How many are coming in here full of misery and loneliness, like I used to frequently and still do at times?

When they do, does it help?

Do they feel part of the human race just for a moment? And after that moment does the loneliness feel colder?

Do they wish someone would “just ask”? Would it help if someone, anyone “just listened”?

And how much would they appreciate the offer even if they said “no”?

Would the no be true?

Is it, at some level, a place where they can come in and order it exactly how they want and they will actually MAKE it how they want?

Do they feel special?

When they don’t get it how they like it will they say something?

And when they do will it be said with confidence and kindness?

If they walk in, like I have, and REALLY have to go to the bathroom do they do I REALLY got to go to the bathroom yoga/dance or do they just hold steady?

Do they wonder if someone is listening next to them when they talk about the most difficult things?

Do they, like I’ve done, order water because they are so broke, they can’t afford anything else?

And are they, like I was, broke emotionally, which feels far more despondent than broke financially?

Do they feel like they are cheating if they go to SBUX when they are avowed “Peet” people?

For the employees:

They are working in a set up where they get a slice of every person’s life that walks by and see what we order.

I wonder if a barista or cashier could guess what someone looks like or who they are based on their coffee order?

Or when they see us do they think “of course they would order that”?

Or “WOW I didn’t think that person would order matcha latte, that’s cool!”?

Or have they reached a beginner’s level mind and are never surprised, mostly delighted to serve?

Do they think, like I do that some customers see their latte order with the joy of a baby behind the glass?

Like do they feel like doctors when they see a proud coffee daddy or mommy say that’s “MINE!”, so beautiful?

Do they spend time wondering what people are feeling? How personally do they take it when someone is angry?

Like do they consider that person might be having a bad day?

Do they know the ones that are noticeable because when they are in a pleasant mood it’s the exception?

How do the brand-new workers relate to the ones who have been here a while?

Do the workers become more jaded or spiritually inspired after working here a while?

Do the baristas notice our moods once they get to know us?

Like do you think they think: “I wonder if Tim’s ok?” given the very nature of the transaction, which is often brief?

Would they, like a bartender, listen to my problems and provide inspiring, quippy points about life?

If they say "the next one's on me" and I drain another large latte, am I better off not driving all tweaked out by caffeine?

Do you think the baristas ever think “I absolutely CRUSHED making that no foam, extra hot latte”?

I wonder how much they appreciate it when I tell them “you made it EXACTLY like I want it”

And does that set up an expectation that the next time I get one and DON’T say it am I hurting their feelings if it’s the same person?

Does ANYONE think like this? Can we talk about it?

Laura Dern & Cheryl Strayed at SF City Arts Lecture

Laura Dern live on her new book Honey, Baby, Mine: A Mother and Daughter Talk Life, Death, Love (and Banana Pudding)

TL;DR: Laura Dern reminded me that in intimate impactful relationships truth held back is damaging, truth shared is freeing.

I saw Laura Dern in convo with Cheryl Strayed (author of the terrific book Wild) last night. The subject of the talk was Laura’s (yep I'm calling her Laura!) new book about her relationship with her mom, actor Diane Ladd.

Her mom got a possibly fatal diagnosis from a respiratory illness as a result of a weed killer chemical used on a farm nearby her. As part of Diane’s rehabilitation, the two of them went on a bunch of walks.

They started with short ones and grew from there. As part of the time together and the near term fatal diagnosis (Diane’s lived beyond it already) they decided the would talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about their relationship.

Laura started by noting: Parents lie to their children. Children lie to their parents. Oftentimes because neither wants to hurt the other one’s feelings.

I’d never heard it put so plainly and it hit right to my heart.

The types of talks they had were wide ranging from recipes to deeply hurtful emotional experiences as time went on.

When Laura shared that sometimes she just needed to say “You did this when I was younger and it hurt me” without necessarily litigating what happened it was quite touching.

She admitted that while they hadn’t figure everything out and may never that being in the mess was better than holding it in. Laura thinks that part of her mom’s health improvement is setting aside the burden of these unsaid things.

She told a hilarious emotional story of when her mom gave her parenting advice. She was triggered and found it in her to lift and throw a 7 foot couch.

She made it clear that it actually happened!

Oh and she does an AMAZING Diane Ladd imitation.

Laura told her mom that it hurt that she was gone so much for her job acting (at a time when both Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern were making very little money).

Laura followed it up by sharing that she did the exact same thing when telling her teenage daughter she was going to work over an important week for her daughter.

I go to a lot of these events and I love it when authors, scientists, actors, etc. share parenting stories (France McDormand did the same thing with a different story).

Laura told an incredible story that she was booted out of UCLA from her college degree path because she took the job to be in Blue Velvet (one of my all time faves).

Speaking of which (of course) I asked a question. I started saying that she was one of my hardest to explain crushes as a teenager having seen her for the first time in Blue Velvet.

I’d be like “Wow Blue Velvet is SO disturbing…..did you see Laura Dern she is so HOT!!”.

Given my background with my daughter that many of you know with my addiction and now sustained long term sobriety I wanted her perspective.

You see given what she talked about her children lived an awful long time with someone who modeled her relationship with her mom Diane Ladd with her kids. So she certainly behaved in some ways that she’d like to take back (like me).

I think there are two categories of things from the past for my daughter (I’m sure there’s more but this is how I think and feel).

She’s aware of an issue and not ready to talk about it and may even tell me that.

I can actually handle that one ok. It’s a touch nerve wracking but that’s about my patience.

The second category are issues she’s not aware of. Those are the ones that are hard for me to take because she’s being run consciously or unconsciously by them potentially.

How do you navigate that?

She said the most important party is the invitation to have the conversation. And when the time comes be ready.

She opened my mind to something I’d never thought of before.

As part of the conversations with her mom she realized that she always wanted to ask about her parents’ relationship before their divorce.

She playfully watered down her mom’s response but one of the big hooks was that Bruce Dern was an incredible lover.

I was thinking about my daughter SO many times during the talk and she actually called during it.

I called her later and gave her an invitation to ask about my relationship with her mom before our divorce (which had a ton of good times and incredible journeys).

Oh in case you’re wondering I would not look back at myself as any kind of incredible lover back then….key words there are “back then”

She told a story about being 6 ½ on the set of Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and peering through a crack in a bathroom door below Martin Scorsese as her mom and Ellen Burstyn talked earnestly about the realities of being a single mom.

It was a bit of a mind-twister because her mom was single at the time and she’s observing her mom talking about it.

They both touched on the idea that people might say that character is a "powerful woman" rather than just the character is powerful.

At several points like that in the interview I had a few "aha's" in the subtle or overt way I might say things like that in front of Zoe in particular or anyone else.

Cheryl Strayed was INCREDIBLE as the interviewer. They admitted up front that they have a great relationship and that was undeniably evident.

Having gone to so many of these the interviewer makes a GIGANTIC difference and Cheryl delivered.

Admittedly I was positively biased going into it in that I LOVED her book Wild.

Their real life chemistry is unmissable.

I also went in wanting to like Laura Dern (not surprisingly…honestly I still have a crush on her!). Sometimes stars just aren’t very interesting in long form more intimate interviews. She delivered and so much more.

Revisiting my teenage Blue Velvet crush turned out to be basically the only slightly uncomfortable part of the event. I’m SO glad I went.

Movie review: The Banshees of Inisherin

Movie review: The Banshees of Inisherin

TL;DR: The Banshees of Inisherin is a warm movie which explores the volcanic fire of the life defining fork in the road of the familiar vs the unknown.

I read this won best film at the Golden Globes. I knew nothing else about it other than Colin Farrell was in it who I generally like.

Thank goodness based on those two pieces of info I watched it.

The movie is about the struggle of whether to stay with the familiar in life. It’s done in the context of a town so small that I actually felt claustrophobia at times. It was as if there was no escaping any of it because they all saw and knew each other.

The script and movie roll out like a comfortable blanket with thorns.

It’s somehow both overt and subtle. There are scenes devoted to a character walking a road from home to the pub etc.

It felt freeing as it gave me some time to consider how the story was playing out.

The plotline centers on a broken friendship revealed very early in the movie.

Colin Farrell (Padraic) and Brendan Gleason (Colm), who as also the Sheriff in Gangs of New York) were long time friends who visited the pub daily. One day Colm no longer wants to go or be friends because he realized Padraic was in his words “boring”.

Farrell and Gleason were fabulous in In Bruges in which they have a natural chemistry which continues here.

The entire arc with all of the sub-stories is powerful. It’s a study in the friction between keeping things as they are and growing and/or moving on.

Colm is distressed and inspired that he hasn’t really explored life, the arts, risk taking, etc. Padraic doesn’t fit.

It’s so evocative as they both struggle with it, each pulling their own way. Padraic yearns for kindness, Colm yearns for freedom.

As the movie progresses Padraic keeps trying and without spoiling it Colm gets increasingly strident about ending the friendship (including a pretty gnarly act).

Padraic gets increasingly desperate to change that. The more he tries the worse it gets.

I’ve never seen a movie where eyebrows could be so expressive. I’m not sure if they were his but Farrell uses his eyebrows to communicate a range of emotions I’ve never seen before.

In contrast Gleason is almost non plussed by his certainty that he was doing the right thing and his expressions and body showed it.

Their conflict culminates with a series of events that are brilliant and painful. It’s puts SO much of the movie together that I almost couldn’t keep up, despite the comfortable pace of the movie.

Two other characters were quite compelling (aside from Jenny the donkey):

Padraic’s sister Siobhan, played by Kerry Condon (who is in a bunch of stuff I’ve seen but I don’t remember her) is fabulous. She is compelling as a straight talking, reliable woman who is emotionally cut deeply by an unexpected source in the movie.

It puts her square in the face of a similar decision to stay the same or move out and on. Her chemistry with Farrell is special.

Dominic (played by Barry Keoghan) is a disabled in some way friend who is also a straight talking character refusing to not say what he thought. His arc of staying the same vs changing is unexpected at a minimum. His father is physically abusive with disastrous consequences.

When the Dad realizes it, again the script and movie is both subtle and powerfully overt.

This small town lives safely distant from an ongoing war which is a perfect analogy for what the characters seem to struggle with.

For anyone reading this who, like me, is in the struggle of doing the familiar vs the meaningful, with its attendant risks, this film will get to your heart and soul.

The movie’s portrayal of the difficulty of that outer conflict expressed my inner conflict.

Given these last few points the magnificence of the movie’s beauty is rooted in both the script and the on screen chemistry between Gleason and Farrell.

The gentle pace of the script and the beauty of the landscape leverages that chemistry in a deep and impactful way.

It’s fascinating and meaningful to me that the film will not have a sequel but its impact on me will go far beyond the movie.

Review: Wednesday on Netflix

I watched the Netflix series Wednesday over the weekend and it’s fantastic.

TL;DR (and this is long!): Wednesday is a compelling, fun series touching on crucial dy 
namics of teenagers. For any dads of daughters, I suggest watching it (I bet your daughters already have).

Wednesday Addams (played by the magnificent Jenna Ortega) goes to a school of outcasts and even in that school SHE is an outcast.

Her character has an unwavering commitment to truth and is unafraid to speak about what she believes.

Ortega is special because she plays the character’s commitment perfectly (along with her dark sense of humor). She also plays the moments when Wednesday is vulnerable.

A friend in the show says she admires that Wednesday doesn’t seem to care about what others think. She responds beautifully “Maybe I should care more”.

What makes her so compelling is her facial expressions which emote the complexity of who Wednesday is. It made me feel like I felt her and resonated with her emotionally.

Wednesday commits herself to solving a series of crimes committed by a “monster”. The series has that attractive trait that at one point I think I know who is guilty, only to think it is someone else.

The outcast school has teenage boys and girls all of whom have some kind of special power that allows them to transform or activate that power. That TOTALLY feeds my nerdy Dungeon and Dragons side.

I’m not surprised that the writers/creators of the show also created the series The Shannara Chronicles (based on Terry Brooks magnificent series of books starting with The Sword of Shannara (a lighter version of the Hobbit). I read all of his books like 5 times when I was a kid).

The outcasts’ school is adjacent to a town of “normal” people with complicated pasts.

The writing in the show is exceptional. I love how it both portrays the outcast social dynamics of young men and women. And I love how the show handles Wednesday’s transition from outcast to accepted.

I also love how the writing delves into the tension between the outcasts and the normal teenagers in town. It’s an innovative way to portray Wednesday as an outcast among outcasts at school then an outcast as part of the outcasts in the town.

One thing I didn’t expect which I loved was how the show explored parental tension with the kids (both at the school and in the town). It explores things like:

How to handle parents who want be or do something like them when the children want to blaze their own path
How parents try to control who their children hang out with regardless of their desires
And, most importantly, moments where the teenagers stand up to their parents

Wednesday has a roommate that is the exact opposite of her. Enid (played by Emma Myers) is a bright, bubbly, colorful young woman who works really hard to connect with Wednesday.

Myers is wonderful in how her face and demeanor emotes her happy go lucky self.

The show, directed by Tim Burton, shows their shared dorm room. One half is super colorful for Enid and the other half is dark for Wednesday.

Enid is a werewolf who hasn’t “wolfed out” yet, meaning she hasn’t transformed ever fully. Her conflict with her parents is really compelling. Enid felt stressed that she hadn’t wolfed out and therefore was a disappointment to her parents.

On “Parents Day” at Nevermore (the school) her mom puts a lot of pressure for her to wolf out, creating conflict. Her father is silent until the very end of the visit.

After Enid stands up to her mom who leaves, she has moment with her Dad. He said to her:

“I’m proud of you kiddo. You do you”

Yep, I cried at that point. Nothing like a good father daughter moment.

While Enid was a seemingly unwavering cheerleader for Wednesday I really liked how at one point she draws a boundary and leaves her temporarily. When Enid admits why to Wednesday (standing up to her) it’s a powerful emotional moment.

I LOVED how the script deftly portrays that when Enid finally stopped worrying about what other people thought (maybe from Wednesday) she wolfed out.

There is quite a bit of chatter online that it’s meant to be a comp to “coming out”. That may be partially or even fully true. I think it’s broader than that (while still including that).

It feels weird to say this but Thing (a severed hand) is the next most compelling character. The way Thing communicates and reacts to Wednesday is so fun and sweet.
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Thing seems to be the one character who can call Wednesday out (although others eventually do).

Among the other actors I liked Catherine Zeta Jones as her mom. I LOVED (and was a bit surprised by) that Luis Guzman played her dad. He’s one of those actors that I get excited for when he’s in the show (after just having seen him in Shameless!).

Fred Armisen did a GREAT job playing Uncle Festus. Christina Ricci was meh as a the only normie teacher at the school.

In general, all of the other performances were suitable but not outstanding.

One last thing. In one episode Wednesday dances to the song Goo Goo Muck by the Cramps. It is transcendent. It surpassed Pulp Fiction’s dance scene for me.

Once again Ortega feels it fully and lets it rip while dancing.

For any Dads out there a huge percentage of girls/teen girls are probably watching this series. (my daughter is) It’s worth watching because it’s entertaining and compelling.

It’s a must see because it’s a great look into social dynamics of boys and girls and a GREAT platform to talk about the show with your daughter.

#wednesdayaddams #wednesday #wednesdaydance 

Topic 5: How the Divine Feminine has many masks

Topic 5 of several: How talking to a trusted friend opened my mind and heart

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

TL;DR: I felt the magnificence of the Divine Feminine while sharing my story with a friend.

A very close friend of mine took me back and forth from the Nov 14 healing ceremony. I’ve known, loved and trusted this friend for over 10 years.

We had lunch together on Nov 18 because I wanted to tell my friend more about the experience.

My friend looked me in the eyes, patiently and lovingly listened to me as I meandered around the experience and its impact. My friend rarely interrupted except to ask me to tell me more or say “wow that must have been challenging”.

Not once did my friend try to create a strategy or solution going forward.

Not once did my friend invalidate any emotion I was going through.

Not once during the lunch did my friend start talking about what was going on in life.

My friend held the emotional space I needed to talk about how this had impacted me in so many ways. I felt seen and my heart felt held.

My friend embodied the Divine Feminine.

The twist is my friend is a man.

Rob and I have a relationship based on genuine care for each other. We have both experienced this listening experience in our friendship.

Part of my healing is learning to be held by the Divine Feminine.

It’s sort of ironic that to experience it with a man was how it flowed through.

Topic 4: Why I no longer weep at songs that remind me of a young Zoe

Topic 4 of several: How I stopped repeatedly weeping at the same songs

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

There are certain songs I listened to when Zoe was very young. Over the last 5 years in particular when I would listen to those songs, I would cry…. like EVERY time.

The songs include:

Make You Feel My Love (acapella version)
Daughters by John Mayer
Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson

I’d listen to them connect back to when she was young and I was in the darkest days of my addiction. My tears flowed because of the regret for what I was during those years.

The last two songs in Shawshank Redemption (So Was Red and End Title) in particular were really painful.

When Zoe was a baby, we traveled on an airplane to Virginia. She was fussy, I was admittedly a bit high. That being said, I took her in my arms and she rested on my chest.

I walked up and down the aisle of the plane comforting her by humming those songs from Shawshank Redemption as she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. It was a tender, loving moment that I chose to look at with regret.

I have been listening to all those songs in the last week and a half there are not tears of regret. I’ve forgiven myself for who I was then.

When I shed a tear listening to them it’s purely from how beautiful the songs are.

There’s a legitimate difference between tears of shame and regret and tears of the joy of the beauty of music. Now I know the difference and that I’m healed.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

54 things I think at 54

Every year I do a list of things I think on my birthday. I've been swamped and I finally got to it. Enjoy!

54 thoughts on my 54th birthday

1. I’m a playwright because I wrote a play
2. Since the Chiefs won the Super Bowl I’m so laid back….until I watch the Chiefs on TV
3. Unwillingness to listen openly to another pov is crushing us. Sometimes I think it’s not a matter of willingness, it’s matter of capacity to do so.
4. Redemptive stories work…every time
5. We are still in the golden age of television, the courageous and unapologetic writing is remarkable it’s given us The Bear, Abbott Elementary, The Old Man and many more
6. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is the best Mother Daughter film I’ve ever seen
7. I can’t find a cologne that really works for me, I’ve been wandering confused since I can no longer by Tiffany sport cologne
8. Self forgiveness is incomparable to any other skill I have for myself and it only worked for me when I was ready, not before
9. I’m the age today that my parents were when they called me to tell me my brother was found at the bottom of a ravine near a cliff
10. I’m certain Leave it All to Me from iCarly will once again be a top 10 song listened to on Spotify for me
11. I can’t believe I’m still hooping at 54
12. Family is family and a recurrent bad dream at times
13. I see I’m letting Zoe run her life unless she wants my help
14. My relationship with God has never been stronger
15. Getting laid off is a total bummer
16. Working in the wine industry for 10 years was a total bummer
17. It’s not who I trust, it’s how I trust
18. Football is the peak of live theater
19. Doing comedy is fun
20. Writing and performing plays is my calling
21. The Father Daughter Dance can be a really successful brand
22. Jerrod Carmichael’s Rothaniel and Sam Morril’s Same Time Tomorrow are beyond superb stand up comedy viewing
23. I’m going to see Louis CK next year and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it, he’s hilarious
24. Cancel culture is as damaging as the mistaken “patriot” designation
25. Having 10 high schooll guy friends still in my life and 25 college guy friends in my life is awesome
26. It’s disheartening we all have said for decades teachers are underpaid and nobody has solved it
27. San Francisco is still the perfect city for me
28. The mistaken widespread belief about our city is the equivalent of what I thought about Egypt before I went and what I was like when I did
29. Mental Health is a global imperative
30. They did the best they can should be context not an excuse and there’s FAR more nuance than that blanket statement
31. I’m confused by how much my daughter loves cats
32. This world is not in the hands of my age, it’s in the hands of the young people
33. “And these children that you spit on while you try to change the world” by Bowie still rings true today
34. Pre op Trans women are the most overtly emotionally and physically discriminated against today
35. I LOVE that I have a skin care regimen and I hope more guys do it
36. Learning something new every day has opened my world
37. I’m finally reconnected fully with my curious, creative and imaginative young child/adolescent
38. Irrational risks are sometimes worth taking
39. There’s no such thing as a normal person
40. New Age is a horrible term for expansive spiritual thought/art, who came up with that?
41. I want us to preserve nature and I have no interest in being in it
42. The closest I come to camping is asking for an extra fern in my hotel suite
43. Science is expansive which means what’s understood today could be different than tomorrow
44. I’m so proud of me doing a second season of my podcast
45. Every issue with social media have been issues for centuries
46. I don’t care one bit of Twitter implodes, I kind of want it to
47. My text typing skills have eroded dramatically
48. I hate that I have to auto correct ducking so often
49. Sex HAS to come out of the dark
50. I judge a person by who they are in the world if they happen to have different perspectives so it is
51. I deserve a reality show
52. I already have my next one person play ready to start writing
53. The “love yourself” narrative is destructive
54. I’m happier and more peaceful than I ever have been in my life

Topic 3: How popcorn and coke set me free

Topic 3 of several: How popcorn and coke set me free

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

One of the intentions I set going into the healing experience was to understand why I drink soda (or pop if you’re from my hometown). I drank at least one sometimes two mini-cans a day.

I often said there are certain foods like sushi, pizza, burritos and honestly a ton of other ones that I had to have a coke with. That salty and sugar combination somehow really comforted me.

I rarely drank a coke without something salty with it.

November 14, I discovered why.

Every Saturday night when I was growing up, my Dad would take out this cruddy (and probably lead based!) pot and put it on the stove top to make popcorn.

He put the kernels in and oil to cover them. Microwave and air popping popcorn were just a dream.

He’d move the pot back and forth and it made an unmistakable sound. It was like metal on metal. A few minutes later I could hear the first few kernels pop then a rapid succession of many more.

On those Friday nights each of the 5 sons were allowed to drink one Coke.

We’d sit together as a family and watch, usually, Love Boat and Fantasy Island (if I could stay awake).

It was one of the times where I felt completely safe with all the members of my family. My parents were there to monitor what was going on amongst the brothers. I didn’t feel scared.

I realize that I drink Coke with salty foods because I was unconsciously reaching back for that elusive feeling of safety.

Now I find safety in my own company and others I let in.

Having felt that, I have not had a soda since last Tuesday and I don’t miss it at all.

Such a strange twist that popcorn and coke freed me from coke.

 

5Nate Pagel, Tara Marie Ho and 3 others

 

How I trust or distrust women

Topic 2 of several: How I trust (or don’t trust) women

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

This is not an easy one to write about.

It came through crystal clear that my wounded inner child who I wrote about in my first post felt in danger and scared much of the time I grew up into adolescence. My mom was the most prominent female figure in my life (and in some ways still is when I let her).

 

My mom did an awful lot of things right bringing me and my brothers up. And I saw clearly during the experience her temper both screaming at me and occasionally swatting my lip with the back of her hand that had the engagement ring on it for real or perceived transgressions.

I know she loves and loved me and I finally see that it’s impacted the way I relate to women in many cases.

I have a ton of women friends. I have maybe 4-5 (3 I’ve known for over 35 years) that I know I can deeply trust with the deepest and darkest parts of me.

I have exceptional skills as a man in how I listen to and hold space for women when they share with me. I am emotionally fluent. Women (and men at times too) eagerly appreciate what I offer.

I used to do it so they would like me.

I finally realized that over the last many years I’ve done it so I can protect my fear of the feminine based on my experiences as a very young child. I feel in control in some way.

I don’t think it’s nefariously controlling them, it’s a form of control that I don’t have to open up and I feel safe which may not be nefarious but it's not very healthy.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit and I bring that skill hoping that at times women will appreciate what I give while simultaneously not really sharing about myself. I’m protected and I have the relationship.

I’ve had 3 examples in the last two years where women who have opened up to me have hurt me. The pattern is, I open the space many times until I feel that I can finally open up to them.

I usually open up quickly and deeply (like SO many women (and men) do with me. Even before these 3 women I’ve had women exit or were shown the door out of my life when I told them what is deep inside me.

It re-opens my childhood wound that when I really need help and compassion, I don’t get that. I made mistakes early in life and usually got punished.

And I know that at some level I’m hurting women when I retract my attention and while at some level it’s healthy on another level it’s punitive.

There are some women (and men) who demonstrate that they are not healthy to be in my life. The others may or may not have the skills and they make a mistake which is not a punishable offense.

It’s a very difficult thing to admit as I’m raising my daughter.

I believe in sound boundaries with women (and men). And my execution of that has in the past with women been in the form of retribution if when it comes time for me, she doesn’t show up.

Or I draw the the boundary by staying safe and listening to them while never really opening up

.

My realization of this behavior was part of my self forgiveness. I realize I did this and it’s not a brutally self-punishable offense.

Upon reflection I’ve learned five things:

First me to develop a healthy relationship is to first feel my intuition and my body about who I should let in.

Second a relationship is reciprocal but not contractual. It helps to talk about what I’m going through so we can develop meaningful intimacy inside our connection (friends or otherwise).

Third share early although maybe not everything at first, build that trust.

Fourth if the reciprocity isn’t evident have a conversation around it and if there’s not a meeting of the hearts, she is in a group of people I like but will remain mostly cordial with or they leave my life without rancor.

Fifth if the reciprocity is evident and we keep learning to trust that when the unavoidable mistake happens by either of us the trust built in the relationship can hold the discussion after it.

I will learn going forward to trust discerningly and to recognize when I don’t trust and act accordingly.

My rehearsal stirs feelings for my one person play Nov 11 & 12

My one "dad" play The Father Daughter Dance premiers Nov 11 & 12 in San Francisco.

Over the last week I rehearsed big parts of my play in front of two separate people for the first time. I FELT people have emotional reactions to what I am performing (laughter, sadness, and so many others).

 

It's rewarding and unnerving.

 

Feeling just one person's reaction will be many times multiplied Nov 11 & 12.

 

My creative process has been mostly lonely and isolated. I've shown people videos, got some coaching and it's different when I perform it.

 

When I listen to a song, see a painting I have my own experience with it, regardless of what the artist conveyed.

My breath gets shallow and my body tenses up when I realize that most every audience member will have their own experience regardless of what I convey.

 

That's should be freeing but it feels a bit confronting.