T-M-I from T-I-M

Reflections on a 50th Birthday

On Saturday night I had a celebration of life without having to die to experience it.  I had a 50^th birthday party was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.

There was a group of about 80 people who came/stayed/went throughout the evening from all random parts of my life and I’m proud to say I collect random people that all have one thing in common:  we live with heart.  My brother told me it’s like I have a bunch of comic book characters for friends…in a really good way, that makes perfect sense.

I was overwhelmed many times throughout the evening breaking down into tears of both the joy of how lucky I am and even some sorrow or pain that seemed to be stored in me that needed to come out.  The thing that holds me back about not feeling worthy or deserving of generosity and love was a dam that was simply unable to hold back the truth and the emotions that were there to flood me.

While I can’t remember it all and everyone here are a few random reflections on the evening:

In one of the strangest things I’ll never forget, I made sure to buy 50 masks for people who might want them.  It was the oddest adult goodie bag gift that I’ve ever experienced.

There was an elevator that opened directly into the party venue so it was like a stage curtain as person after person came in.  And the stairs to get up connected to a long hallway which felt like a runway of sorts to enter in.  It created a sense of excitement and wonder as person after person came in.

A couple friend of mine came in to town from Sacramento and I literally broke down in tears of joy.  The man is like another brother to me and it started what became a series of tear bursting moments. 

In either a miracle or maybe one of the signs of a benevolent apocalypse, Chris Yeh actually came to San Francisco to celebrate my birthday.  No reports of mass frogs or locusts in the street.

I yukked it up with my volleyball parent friends talking about how I should have had some Uncrustables (a volleyball staple addiction for me) in addition to the incredible spread of food.

My girlfirend’s young daughter was slinging non-alcoholic drinks to those that came to the bar.  The next morning she asked if we were going to have another party next year because she wanted “to be a bartender again”.  That joke has so many layers it’s hard to keep up with it.

I simultaneously introduced my mom to the man who saved my life (my sponsor) and the woman who changed my life (my life and relationship coach) Lori Jean Glass. 

My mom came in from South Carolina, my brother and his awesome girlfriend came in from Philly (on the way to LA) and my niece came in from Berkeley.  Add in my daughter, my girlfriend and her daughter and I was literally and willingly in the loving web of my cherished family. 

Somehow I increased my man crush on my hoops buddy Robert Avila and beyond rocked out with him and his girlfriend Maritza Mossberg who both were just DAGGERING people on the dance floor with their moves.

Mitchell Aidelbaum and I nearly got felonious on the dance floor to the song Been Caught Stealin’ by Jane’s Addiction.

I found out that my friend Gwendolyn’s middle name is freakin’ because when she hit the floor she became Gwendolyn FREAKIN’ Osborn!!

To nobody’s surprise, anyone who hugged me after the dance music started was fairly warned of the sweaty mess I had become. 

I invited my daughter’s mom, my ex wife to the party and it was one of the best decisions I made on the guest list.  She was and is an important part of my life.

The number of people who when they met my daughter said “I’ve heard so much about you” or the like was really powerful to witness.

The gifts I got (from the “There is a Way Out” sweatshirt from my main man James to the numerous coffee gift cards woo hoo!!! to the Life Magazine from when I was born to the original manuscript book of the Big Book and so many others) were beautiful and the sentiments on the cards were beyond generous.  I’ve got them stacked in a pile ready to call on them when I need the pick me up.

My incredible, gift from God girlfriend Rose Viggiano put together a video that was the emotional peak of the evening.  She had put all her love and God given gifts into creating a phenomenal video that included a series of “only Tim” type images and videos that captured my essence. 

In it, she included video messages from many of my friends from various parts of my life who spoke their truth about how they see me and what they love most about me.  The most common message was that I bring a freedom, laughter and full spirited living into life that they cherish.  And they also saw my nuanced, caring side to how I love which isn’t always seen either. 

These were people several of whom have stuck by me in my toughest of times and loved me through it.  Many of them couldn’t make it to the party and it felt like they were there when I saw them. 

The hardest part of the video was seeing old pictures of my Dad.  The party we had was a perfect opportunity for my friends to get the Bob Taylor experience.  They only got the energy from the pictures which brought me to deep, sad tears.

The end of the video where it transitioned into the Happy Birthday song compliments of the magnificent, merry, musical madman Richard Delameter. 

And when I was about to blow out the candles of my red velvet cake, I called my daughter up to help me blow them out.  I wanted her to be beside me when I blew the candles out in a way that would continue the lifelong amends to the most important person in my life. 

Ori joined in on the fun to blow the candles out.  And when, after blowing them out Zoe wrapped her arms around me and I hers and we shared a deep, tender, meaningful embrace that communicated more than any words could have.  (Tightened by Ori’s little arms wrapped around both of us.)

Rose also did basically all the work around the party.  She told me that she was going to let me do the planning….until I picked a place to start that she didn’t like.  Hahaha!

The thing is the setting she created, the video she set it all up in a way that recognizes me for who I am.  The video celebrated my magnificence when she knows at my deepest level I struggle thinking I’m not enough.  It was her way of loving me by telling me I’m not only enough, I’m more than enough for her to love. 

She sees me unlike anyone ever has and I trust her enough to let her see me.  It’s the result of a LOT of hard work in the name of staying in a connected intimate relationship.

What some, but not all of you, know is that not 10 years ago I turned 40 and this would NEVER have happened.  I was wandering in a dark world that many of us have inhabited but not many of us admit to.  I had nothing, literally.  I am not unique, but I did not expect to make it this long. 

What then, do I do?  What do I do now that I’ve turned 50 and God has given me a strong, clear reminder that I am loved?  That I am worthy?

I can choose to not believe the overwhelming evidence and shrink.  Or I can take this event, this gift as a foundation to stand upon and open my chest, heart and soul to the world and step into life knowing it’s true. 

Time will tell which way I go and I have a feeling I know which way I’ll go.

50 thoughts on turning 50

I decided to pen 50 random observations now that I'm turning 50.  Enjoy!

1. God gets a bad rap and it's not God's fault
2. At some point in my life I HAD to take responsibility for my emotional wounds and life irreversibly changed for the better when I did
3. Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs are making me think I may finally go to a Super Bowl
4. The way things are going, I’m happy that when I die people will celebrate my life not my death
5. Having a common relational language to speak with my girlfriend has been instrumental to our path of increased intimacy
6. I have GREAT hair…like REALLY great hair and I’m only now learning how to use it
7. I dance like EVERYBODY’s looking because I’m an AWESOME dancer
8. I’m committed to failing more after fifty (not falling I hope)
9. I wonder what day God created guacamole and when God did, did God say this isn’t good…it is FUCKING AWESOME
10. I’ve finally realized I’m a better student AND teacher when I listen
11. I’m least articulate when I’m most vulnerable
12. I hate cooking but love eating
13. The longer the topic of sex stays deep in the dark, the worse off we are
14. I’m so over outrage about not being outraged by the things many people deem outrage worthy.
15. If I hadn’t done deep work on my own issues, raising a teenager would be as difficult as so many people incorrectly say it is.
16. Social Media is nicotine, the mobile phone is the cigarette (yes, ironic that I’d post it here…take a deep breath in and…blow that shit out!)
17. Visionaries are starting incredible companies every day doing incredible things, over 20 years I’ve seen it just never stops
18. My daughter’s teen generation is more inclusive, empowered and media savvy than any generation before it. I don’t agree that they are lazy and entitled, I think that us parents are struggling to give them a roadmap to self actualize and act so they are making it up for themselves.
19. I will DAGGER you with my 3 point shot if you underestimate me, and you will increasingly given the way I look
20. Prayer is not the last refuge of the scoundrel it’s the first choice of the connected
21. I used to think family is a given, I’ve now realized it’s something that’s earned
22. Healthy behavior sometimes felt unhealthy because I didn’t know better
23. 50 felt REALLY old when I was 20, when I was full of hope for the future thinking the best days of my life were ahead of me. Little did I know it would include some of the darkest times and at 50 I still believe that some of my best days are in front of me but I feel even more certain of that now.
24. I used to think my job as a parent was to provide my daughter a better life materially mostly. I realize my job as a parent is to set her up to have a better life emotionally and spiritually and the material things will work themselves out. 
25. I’ve done seemingly interesting things in my career but the only people seem to REALLY care about is that I was a failure as a stand up comic for a couple years.
26. Twin Peaks Season 1 is the best TV Season 1 of my lifetime
27. I clearly see it now: Birkam, Daedone, Ranjeesh, Raniere they are the same people who all ran hustles disguised as setting people free but it was ultimately in service of ego and money.  And there are always people ready to be hustled.
28. It’s amazing how when I stop reacting to people and feeding that in them many of them just go away
29. I wonder if there’s a market for social media that actually teaches REAL relating
30. Victims who are committed to victimhood are tiring. People who don’t take responsible for doing real damage are even more tiring.
31. Real empowered people are people who don’t get pissed off at people who aren’t but don’t dump energy into them when they just won’t see they aren’t
32. I’m all for the recent wave of diversity and now I want to see results
33. Politicians are almost only interested in preserving their power
34. I’ve always walked slowly, now that I’m getting older I won’t have to worry about how I’ve “slowed down”, I’ve always walked like an older person
35. I don’t know how but I’m getting funnier as I get older (at least to me I am)
36. Reality TV not only crushes creativity it crushes souls (except the Great British Baking Show of course…)
37. I will write a book
38. That which I can’t do God can and God can do a LOT
39. Relationships take work
40. I am astonished at how many movies I LOVED growing up look like AWFUL lessons for how to treat each other (Sixteen Candles, Animal House, Fast Times)
41. I hate remakes but I wish they would remake Ordinary People
42. I wonder when we will be able to have a corrective, connected forward looking conversation about #metoo without people getting blazed if they offer up thoughts that in any way diverge from the accepted norm
43. Nuance is dead and I want to write its obituary
44. I think that when a man or woman dies who’s a jerk or constantly complains it should be called an obitchuary
45. If I could invent another word for love I would because it falls short of describing how I feel about my daugther
46. I wanted fake Cheetah skins short boots as a teenager. Back then I would have been beaten senseless for wearing them.  As a 50 year old I’d actually wear a pair of them and I think I could actually still pull it off.
47. I LOVE a capella music, is that a sign of getting old or just lame?
48. I wonder where Red Velvet deserts were when I was a kid
49. I’m going to tell even MORE people I love them now that I’m 50

One of the new people on the I love you list will be me.  (queue cheesy music and….fade out)

Another visit to my Dad, dementia and pain

I went to see my father again this time with Rose. I was genuinely surprised when I walked in and he was sitting up, fully alert. His heart rose in a way that rolled past the fact that he didn’t know who either of us were.

I kissed him on the cheek and the side of his lips with deep affection. My lips felt the stubble on his face that so many times I felt on my own cheek when I would bury my entire self into him for comfort and love.

The myriad of emotions moving through me as I sat one side his right hand and Rose held his left hand was complex and mixed. One feeling that was not mixed was my deep gratitude for Rose as she put her whole heart into being there with me and my Dad, surely feeling her own pain too.

I played music for him while we watched a golf tournament together. I got particular pleasure out of my beloved girlfriend learning golf literally as we watched (referring to the “sand pit” instead of trap was beyond lovable).

The simple enjoyment of watching a long putt go in in that moment was meaningful. And every cheer from us I couldn’t help but think about his relentless cheerleading for me when I was a kid.

He bubbled to the surface with his unmitigated joy and enthusiasm about things obvious or non-existent. It felt like the turtles coming to the air letting out a big breath of air after swimming in the deep ocean for a while.

He called me Notre Dame because of my shirt which made me think maybe next time I'll wear a shirt with the name Tim on it. It's a way to make it easy and a hack out of some core desperation to be seen again.

He repeatedly looked me in the eye and said things to me that I’ve heard so many times. He told me how I was a superstar and that I had something special. It was as hard to hear this weekend as it was all those years he said it.

He sees the “it” in me and neither of us really know what that thing is. I still struggle to really hear it and am at times angry I have it.

Many times during our it I thought to myself “Dad, when you are ready to let go, I am ready”. I can’t tell you why I couldn’t say it, which makes me think maybe I’m not ready. It felt so selfish.

I did however, put into words what is true and easy for me to say. I told him: “You were the one who taught me how to say I love you”. I told him: “You taught me how to love”.

Those words just weren’t landing. It reminded me of how the raindrops would hit the windows in our station wagon as a kid without feeling. A full raindrop appeared, and slowly but surely blazed a path down the window only to disappear.

It’s really painful when he’s here and he can’t really comprehend what he gave me. It’s made even more pronounced as I grow emotionally and spiritually. And I know that the growth by definition makes it such that I can make space in my heart for that lack of comprehension there is still pain.

I closed my eyes and prayed a lot during our visit. I was aware of my girlfriend’s beautiful voice talking to my Dad about what was happening on the screen because he told her how lovely her voice sounded. She generously let it flow even noting how my hands felt like my Dad’s.

At one point the voices and the music fell away. And I went from presence to sleep. And for just a few minutes with my hand in his we both drifted off.

My eyes opened up to see him peacefully sleeping. Every memory of laying next to my father while both of us slept came rushing back. One of my Dad’s superpowers when I was a kid is being able to sleep at a moment’s notice to recharge and of course waking up and claiming he was listening the whole time.

I calmly and quietly waited for him to wake up which he did. When our visit ended I leaned in to kiss him again and he in his own way acknowledged my inner gifts.

At 2:30 am that night I woke my love up again and she listened with all she could muster to all of the feels. She knows that I need to go into the darkness of this and, understandably, it scares her sometimes. That darkness is deep.

I’m convinced the feelings come to me in the middle of the night because that’s where we meet. I meet my Dad in the confusing world of dreams which I think his is reality and I try to that I convince myself they aren’t a nightmare.

I’m left with the conflicting feelings that he seems physically well which means the story will continue rather than finding a nearer term end.

How can it be that I feel conflicted about that?

Not very easily and it’s my truth. I know that I’m doing what I can. I’m doing the “best” that I can because I’m willing to face this and work through it and be there.

It's so deeply challenging to be in a relationship that is both deeply meaningful and now so clearly one-sided.

I stay close to God because I know it’s my God’s plan rolling out in my life. The more I fight it the less I can live it. And it’s as real as it gets

My commitments to my teenage daughter

My mostly unspoken but enacted commitments, to the best of my ability, to my teenage daughter, are that I commit to, with every ounce of my soul:

Be a warrior for you.  I’ll go into any battle beside you and whenever necessary in front of you without a second thought.

Be a human for you.  I’ll make mistakes and admit it when I do.

Be a listener for you.  I’ll be ready when you’re ready to tell me what you want and sometimes even before you are (at which point I’ll refer you to the “human” entry above).  I commit that I won’t try to fix it EVERY time (and when I do I’ll again refer you to the “human” entry above).

Be a joke for you.  It’s one of my God given gifts and from God’s hands to our ears, I will share my rather weird view of the world and play off yours too as we laugh like crazy. 

Be a teacher for you.  Whatever I have learned and un-learned it’s there for you, any time you want it.

Be “not so serious” for you.  I will to remind you that 97% of the time, it’s just not worth taking things so seriously and won’t judge you even when you do take seemingly smaller things really seriously…and even maybe laugh about it afterwards.

Be a cheerleader for you.  I will share the fulfillment and joy I get in seeing the beauty of you competing in sports and when you succeed I’ll bust out the pompoms.  I love that you love to win and compete. 

Be a shoulder for you.  When you need to cry and my shoulder is the one you need most or any other times it’s available…always. 

Be authentic for you.  I promise I’ll cry when I’m happy, sad, hurt, joyous, etc. and won’t fight to hold it in.

Be a reminder for you.  I know you’re strong just as you are and so am I, I’ll remind us of that so we can get through things together.

Be a hug for you.  Need I say more?

Be a model for you.  I’ll teach you to succeed, not succeed “like a man”…that’s garbage.

Be an embarrassment for you.  You have a Dad who is a goofball at times so I will almost certainly embarrass you, but you’re used to it right?

Be in the background for you.  I commit to let you live your life, neither of us are happy when I try to control everything.

Be a pain for you.  Yes, there are times when I’m going to draw boundaries, say no, call you out and when I do I will supply with a time honored source of rebellion for teenagers.  If you aren’t pissed off at me on a semi-regular basis, I’m not doing my job.

Be a student for you.  I’m willing to learn new things and realize you can teach me some of them.

Be realistic for you.  You are a teenager and I promise not to give you the “back in my days” bs or the “you’re all so entitled” bs, I know it’s harder in some real ways to be a teenager these days and I know you’re a teenager and it’s unfair to paint with an old or irresponsible brush.

Be present for you.  I commit that I’ll do the work when I’m not with you so that when I am with you I am.

Be a perspective for you.  I’m willing to share when I’ve been through tough things that might be like what you are.  I’m willing to remind you when you’ve gotten through tough things as you go through them. 

Be a debater for you.  Let’s argue about things going on in the world, it’s worth it.

Be a believer for you.  If you believe strongly enough in something and it’s at odds with the prevailing, broken point of view, I’ll back you…100%.  If you’re following just to follow, expect us to go back to the previous line.

Be a believer in you.  I believe in you 100%.

Be a truth teller for you.  Even when it’s really uncomfortable I’ll do it.

Be a Dad for you.  More than anything else, the one unchanging fact is that from the moment you were born, I’m your Dad and will be that until the day I die.

Ode to Jim Healy

My friend Roy and I reminisced last night about LA sports radio man Jim Healy and we laughed hard until my heart hurt.

My Dad introduced me to Jim Healy in 1990. Jim Healy did quick current sports report with amusing reactions/sounds from spliced in interviews. 

We used to cackle hilariously listening to him as we commuted and even on days off.  We got to a point where even though we KNEW the jokes that were coming (“Who goofed? I've GOT to know!”) we STILL laughed really hard! 

Sometimes we’d be at a restaurant or the golf course or the mall and pull a Jim Healy zinger out and laugh even harder.

We always made sure to schedule it so we could hear it.  I remember RUNNING out of the office with him to the car to catch the whole show as we faced the commute.

Jim Healy died in1994 and I’ve never found another one like it (and I listen to LOTS of them).

And it goes beyond the show.

The thing is the show was a thread that wound my Dad and I together.  It was sports, entertainment, laughter in the context of a tough time for my family and a time of hope for me at 20 years old. 

I had some notion that times were tough and yet he always could let that go during the show.

The joy of the show was so pure and innocent.

My Dad’s health and memory is failing.  Unfortunately remembering the show or even me is challenging.  My heart strings were pulled quite tautly as I realized I will never get that time back (yes I can be grateful for it as well). 

It was our running inside joke and a virtual soundtrack to a life neither of us took to seriously.  I’ve passed this incredible gift onto my daughter.  We even have our inside jokes that both of us know and even when we know they’re coming we still laugh really hard.

And still it doesn’t replicate how sports connect a Dad and son, nor should it.  So while I’ve taken some time today to listen to it and had several big laughs, I can feel the tears behind it.

Jim Healy Show

Is the power of love overrated?

Wanna strap in for a ride? Try this 15 minutes to write a few minutes to read latte inspired piece:

I’ve been questioning the wisdom of “Love conquers all”, it doesn’t, something else is more powerful.

I’ve had a…weird relationship with love all of my life. It’s the most common theme and topic of millions of songs, paintings, plays, movies, books, etc. It’s glamorized as a goal.

It’s a seemingly constant moving target that people either seem really certain they have it (because they feel it) or can prove it (because of their actions). We pay LOTS of money to “get” it.

I strive for love with my daughter, girlfriend, family and even myself (and wow, why is that last one so hard??). People have said it in my life over the years and it just hasn’t felt true, possibly because I wouldn’t let it in or their love was fully infused/confused with humanness.

The simple act of someone saying “I love you” means a million different things to a million different people.

There are several versions of it. There is an even exalted form called unconditional which other than my daughter I have no experience of (and even with her if I’m being honest there are conditions on my love, it’s impossible not to have them, I’m human and so is she).

I’m starting to believe that presence is more powerful than love.

Presence is binary. I’m either present or I’m not present, it’s that simple. It’s so simple that the easiest way to tell if I’m present is if I become aware that I’m not present.

There aren’t “versions” of present, I either am or I’m not. I can experience it in meditation (usually like 10 seconds per 15 minutes meditated…) or even in dangerous situations where my entire attention becomes focused like it did when my car hydroplaned the other night.

I was introduced to presence about 15 years ago when someone said “I’m present for you”. Having never heard it before I figured either she was going to hand me a box to open or that her skin is actually human wrapping paper for a totally different being (think Total Recall without the disembodied head exploding).

It turns out that her stating she was present was in fact… a present because it intro’d me to the topic.

15 years later I’m still playing with it. What’s clear to me is that presence contains the key to an existence where I can turn to the world and activate a human construct called love with as close to full throttle as possible.

I can claim that I love someone AND not be present which means love proves that it includes all of the wonderful things that make us human.

There’s a twist though, I’m finding that the path to presence is love, with all its humanness. If I really love the most important people in my life, then I’m willing to face the things that are consciously and unconsciously driving my behavior and work on those things.

It’s a fancy way of saying that in my relationships, my willingness to be emotionally intimate is an inherent admission that what I really want is presence. (That one may take a bit to sink in as I’m not completely sure it makes sense…)

Now, I sincerely doubt that someone will cover Whitney Houston’s smash hit and call it “I Will Always Be Present for You” or someone will go all J Giles Band and do a song called “Presence Stinks” or even that a Brit RomCom will come out called “Presence Actually” with a spry Benedict Cumberbatch now the Prime Minister searching for now with his hot intern.

But a fella can hope can’t he….

Ultimately, this is about the search and something tells me what I’m really looking for is right inside me and I may be better able to find it than ever in my life.

I LOVE YOU!!!! wait...I'M PRESENT FOR YOU!!!!

Incredible Star Spangled Banner singing

This video taken which stunned tourists, brought me to tears.  A woman lets loose a version of our national anthem that was spectacular.

I think what I love most about the video is how it starts with the family encouraging her and shows the raw fears that she's having before.  As she begins to sing you see all of those fears slip away and she loses herself in the song and when the man shooting the video says "Watch God do it" and "Let the music speak".

And then to see the stunned gratitude of the people who were nearby and heard it is magnificent.  I'm putting this up with Marvin Gaye's in my top 5.  I'm feeling pretty full of national pride and love this wonderful woman's courage.

 

Infinite Love in 5 minutes on a Bus

Then there’s the moment riding the bus with my arm around my daughter sitting next to each other. Two minutes into the bus ride she leans her body into mine and melts into me.

It’s that feeling that goes to straight my innermost self that this young woman as she, at times, clumsily and awkwardly, at times confidently and fiercely (always beautifully) claims her independence, still trusts me with her life, her world. She knows that with no notice she can also claim my as close to as humanly possible unconditional love for her. She desires to be reminded that I’m a core part of her foundation and to the best of my ability I will always be there for her.

We spent the next 5 minutes (both with one headphone in listening to our own music sort of) talking about sports and trying something new. It was about as every day stuff as it comes to parenting but the deep feeling surrounding us was undeniable.

It’s the feeling of loving and being loved for exactly who we both are (including both being dressed like we are BOTH going to high school! Although based on our outfits her school would be more upscale than mine would be….).

Shortly before we left the house I said to her that with regards to the struggle we were discussing, “Never forget, I believe in you. I know you’ll have to work hard and things will reveal themselves one day at a time, but I always believe in you.”

I share this only because my logical mind will try to look for a reason why it happened this morning. And who knows, maybe that was part of it. But a deeper part of me knows that that final 5 minutes of the bus ride sealed by a kiss on the head from Dad is an expression of a real relationship full of ups and downs in the last 14 years. It’s a relationship that no matter how tough it gets will never change….EVER. She will ALWAYS be my daughter.

Maybe that simple sentiment shared was just a reminder of how I always feel (no matter HOW confused I get from time to time).

I felt tremendous waves of gratitude as she got off to go to school that I’m a Dad, with an amazing daughter. I’m publicly putting words to it today in an effort to put yet another stake in the ground to say to myself “When things get most confusing and frustrating….remember this moment!” as so many of my dearest and closest friends, many (but not all) of whom are parents, must rely on.  

The, sort of, vexing part of it is we just never know when this type of expression from our children or loved ones is going to happen. And rarely does it seem to happen when I want it! And while I have a million other things going on in my life, problems real or fancied (seemingly more of the latter…) for those 5 minutes nothing else in the world existed or mattered than that.

I'm in tears, she'll have a blast

This morning I dropped my daughter off at her camp.  We said goodbye a little differently.  You see she’s going away and I won’t see her for over 2 weeks.  She’s going on a trip with a friend and then another trip with her mom.  She’s going to have a blast on both trips.  That’s not stopping my tears this morning.

Today instead of the lean over in the car hug and kiss we got out of the car.  I told her I wanted a “big hug”.  It turned into a warm and loving embrace that lasted quite a while.  After that I took her beautiful 13 year old face in my hand, looked her right in the eyes and told her how much I loved her, that I’ll miss her and told her to have a blast on her trips.

It all sounds like a great goodbye, but I’m still in tears.  Recently, we had an experience that drew us closer together than we ever have been.  She poignantly shared the thoughts and feelings and I listened carefully giving each of those thoughts the kind of attention and importance every one of them deserved. 

It’s not about me saying that’s not a big deal or you’ll get through it, buck up.  Rather we talked about how each of those things feel and how confusing it can all be.

It’s no secret I love my daughter.  And in addition to being the greatest teacher of my life, the most important person on the planet to me and the person I pour my heart into unabashedly she’s also a great companion.  We laugh so much at the goofiest things.  Self-deprecation, confusing oddities, human behavior, my driving nuttiness and much more is all fair game when we spend time together. 

So I mourn it when she’s gone and goddamnit I'm not going to apologize for it.  I realize that in the grand scheme of things 2 ½ weeks is not that long.  But how many of us talk about how it all goes to fast?

I also realize that perhaps I should put more of my energy into the smile in my heart that I know she’ll have a great time while she’s gone.  And shoot right after she gets back I get a full week with her and my mom which is always a gas. 

That’s not working right now.  And I’m not going to prematurely pull myself out of this feeling because I feel like it’s “too self-centered”.  In my life it isn’t that I feel too much it’s that I don’t’ fully give attention to exactly what I am feeling (and I’m a pretty sensitive dude).

No, it’s not working right now, so for now I’m going to let the tears flow until they stop when they are meant to stop.

John Steinbeck on Love

A friend shared this amazing letter John Steinbeck wrote to his son about love.  First as a father to read the heartfelt devotion he has for sharing with his son was deeply moving.  And he was sharing from a position of his own experience which is even more powerful.

The thing that really stuck with me most is how someone's love makes me feel.  Sometimes I doubt myself.  Like maybe it's the fact that I don't know how to receive love or maybe I just feel unworthy. 

But he mentions the idea of the first kind of love (selfish and grasping) that makes one feel "small and weak".  I don't know if I can confidently say that this type of love isn't love but I can say how it makes me feel (which he sort of implies is the domain of "girls" which I don't completely agree with!).  If someone's love doesn't feel right it's not necessarily about me. 

The second kind of love that recognizes others as "unique and valuable" does exactly what he says (including releasing wisdom that I never knew I had).  I feel it almost every time I'm with my daughter.

My heart broke free when he mentions that my unreturned love doesn't make my love any less valuable.  Not only will I not say it at times, I won't even explore its possibility.

My heart which I give so freely to friends and my daughter still has some walls around it still with women in particular, I'm human.  However the letter broke them down a little more and that's what it's all about.