T-M-I from T-I-M

Laura Dern & Cheryl Strayed at SF City Arts Lecture

Laura Dern live on her new book Honey, Baby, Mine: A Mother and Daughter Talk Life, Death, Love (and Banana Pudding)

TL;DR: Laura Dern reminded me that in intimate impactful relationships truth held back is damaging, truth shared is freeing.

I saw Laura Dern in convo with Cheryl Strayed (author of the terrific book Wild) last night. The subject of the talk was Laura’s (yep I'm calling her Laura!) new book about her relationship with her mom, actor Diane Ladd.

Her mom got a possibly fatal diagnosis from a respiratory illness as a result of a weed killer chemical used on a farm nearby her. As part of Diane’s rehabilitation, the two of them went on a bunch of walks.

They started with short ones and grew from there. As part of the time together and the near term fatal diagnosis (Diane’s lived beyond it already) they decided the would talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about their relationship.

Laura started by noting: Parents lie to their children. Children lie to their parents. Oftentimes because neither wants to hurt the other one’s feelings.

I’d never heard it put so plainly and it hit right to my heart.

The types of talks they had were wide ranging from recipes to deeply hurtful emotional experiences as time went on.

When Laura shared that sometimes she just needed to say “You did this when I was younger and it hurt me” without necessarily litigating what happened it was quite touching.

She admitted that while they hadn’t figure everything out and may never that being in the mess was better than holding it in. Laura thinks that part of her mom’s health improvement is setting aside the burden of these unsaid things.

She told a hilarious emotional story of when her mom gave her parenting advice. She was triggered and found it in her to lift and throw a 7 foot couch.

She made it clear that it actually happened!

Oh and she does an AMAZING Diane Ladd imitation.

Laura told her mom that it hurt that she was gone so much for her job acting (at a time when both Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern were making very little money).

Laura followed it up by sharing that she did the exact same thing when telling her teenage daughter she was going to work over an important week for her daughter.

I go to a lot of these events and I love it when authors, scientists, actors, etc. share parenting stories (France McDormand did the same thing with a different story).

Laura told an incredible story that she was booted out of UCLA from her college degree path because she took the job to be in Blue Velvet (one of my all time faves).

Speaking of which (of course) I asked a question. I started saying that she was one of my hardest to explain crushes as a teenager having seen her for the first time in Blue Velvet.

I’d be like “Wow Blue Velvet is SO disturbing…..did you see Laura Dern she is so HOT!!”.

Given my background with my daughter that many of you know with my addiction and now sustained long term sobriety I wanted her perspective.

You see given what she talked about her children lived an awful long time with someone who modeled her relationship with her mom Diane Ladd with her kids. So she certainly behaved in some ways that she’d like to take back (like me).

I think there are two categories of things from the past for my daughter (I’m sure there’s more but this is how I think and feel).

She’s aware of an issue and not ready to talk about it and may even tell me that.

I can actually handle that one ok. It’s a touch nerve wracking but that’s about my patience.

The second category are issues she’s not aware of. Those are the ones that are hard for me to take because she’s being run consciously or unconsciously by them potentially.

How do you navigate that?

She said the most important party is the invitation to have the conversation. And when the time comes be ready.

She opened my mind to something I’d never thought of before.

As part of the conversations with her mom she realized that she always wanted to ask about her parents’ relationship before their divorce.

She playfully watered down her mom’s response but one of the big hooks was that Bruce Dern was an incredible lover.

I was thinking about my daughter SO many times during the talk and she actually called during it.

I called her later and gave her an invitation to ask about my relationship with her mom before our divorce (which had a ton of good times and incredible journeys).

Oh in case you’re wondering I would not look back at myself as any kind of incredible lover back then….key words there are “back then”

She told a story about being 6 ½ on the set of Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and peering through a crack in a bathroom door below Martin Scorsese as her mom and Ellen Burstyn talked earnestly about the realities of being a single mom.

It was a bit of a mind-twister because her mom was single at the time and she’s observing her mom talking about it.

They both touched on the idea that people might say that character is a "powerful woman" rather than just the character is powerful.

At several points like that in the interview I had a few "aha's" in the subtle or overt way I might say things like that in front of Zoe in particular or anyone else.

Cheryl Strayed was INCREDIBLE as the interviewer. They admitted up front that they have a great relationship and that was undeniably evident.

Having gone to so many of these the interviewer makes a GIGANTIC difference and Cheryl delivered.

Admittedly I was positively biased going into it in that I LOVED her book Wild.

Their real life chemistry is unmissable.

I also went in wanting to like Laura Dern (not surprisingly…honestly I still have a crush on her!). Sometimes stars just aren’t very interesting in long form more intimate interviews. She delivered and so much more.

Revisiting my teenage Blue Velvet crush turned out to be basically the only slightly uncomfortable part of the event. I’m SO glad I went.

For the Love of Peet's Kids

I am a regular at Peet's in SF on Chestnut where I can do my writing. I realized today it's fueled in some way by the infants and toddlers I see there.

 

I love:

The wonder when parents walk in with their kids

The amazement when the babies see the plants on the wall and their eyes grow WIDE

The happiness when a child gets chocolate milk

The despair then happiness when the straw goes all the way into the chocolate milk box and mom or dad come to the rescue

The tenderness when a mom is waiting for coffee and her baby's eyes catch her eyes and she leans in to softly share her love

The joy when a child skips alongside the parents or dances alone while they wait for their coffee

The disbelief when a daughter tells me she is 2 years old and I tell them I have a daughter who is 22 (ok not disbelief because I look young, just like the disbelief of somebody who is 22 years old and is a daughter)

The desire when a young child is at eye level with the food and drinks the fridge below the cashier and wants EVERYTHING (including stuff that I'm certain they wouldn't like)

As much as I love all of this, this is my favorite. I love the progression:

I catch eyes with a baby

The baby stops all movement and stares right into my soul

I break into a huge smile

The baby doesn't know what to make of it

The baby looks up at mom or dad for..... guidance I guess

I smile widely at the baby again

The baby scrunches into a ball, parent notices sees I'm safe and says "Are you being shy?"

I look away for a bit turn back and the baby is staring right at me

I break into a huge smile

The baby starts to feel it's ok and a smile breaks all over the baby's face

Now we're connected

I go back to my writing and notice the baby leaving

As the baby leaves, the baby leans out of the stroller to look back one last time before moving on with life

It's unparalleled genuine connection.

From time to time I worry about the world and these experiences tell me to stop worrying and get back to paying attention.

Bringing new children into the world is an overt sign of real hope that will always overcome any kind of despair.

Thank you all for bringing your kids. For the love of Peet's keep doing it!

Review: Wednesday on Netflix

I watched the Netflix series Wednesday over the weekend and it’s fantastic.

TL;DR (and this is long!): Wednesday is a compelling, fun series touching on crucial dy 
namics of teenagers. For any dads of daughters, I suggest watching it (I bet your daughters already have).

Wednesday Addams (played by the magnificent Jenna Ortega) goes to a school of outcasts and even in that school SHE is an outcast.

Her character has an unwavering commitment to truth and is unafraid to speak about what she believes.

Ortega is special because she plays the character’s commitment perfectly (along with her dark sense of humor). She also plays the moments when Wednesday is vulnerable.

A friend in the show says she admires that Wednesday doesn’t seem to care about what others think. She responds beautifully “Maybe I should care more”.

What makes her so compelling is her facial expressions which emote the complexity of who Wednesday is. It made me feel like I felt her and resonated with her emotionally.

Wednesday commits herself to solving a series of crimes committed by a “monster”. The series has that attractive trait that at one point I think I know who is guilty, only to think it is someone else.

The outcast school has teenage boys and girls all of whom have some kind of special power that allows them to transform or activate that power. That TOTALLY feeds my nerdy Dungeon and Dragons side.

I’m not surprised that the writers/creators of the show also created the series The Shannara Chronicles (based on Terry Brooks magnificent series of books starting with The Sword of Shannara (a lighter version of the Hobbit). I read all of his books like 5 times when I was a kid).

The outcasts’ school is adjacent to a town of “normal” people with complicated pasts.

The writing in the show is exceptional. I love how it both portrays the outcast social dynamics of young men and women. And I love how the show handles Wednesday’s transition from outcast to accepted.

I also love how the writing delves into the tension between the outcasts and the normal teenagers in town. It’s an innovative way to portray Wednesday as an outcast among outcasts at school then an outcast as part of the outcasts in the town.

One thing I didn’t expect which I loved was how the show explored parental tension with the kids (both at the school and in the town). It explores things like:

How to handle parents who want be or do something like them when the children want to blaze their own path
How parents try to control who their children hang out with regardless of their desires
And, most importantly, moments where the teenagers stand up to their parents

Wednesday has a roommate that is the exact opposite of her. Enid (played by Emma Myers) is a bright, bubbly, colorful young woman who works really hard to connect with Wednesday.

Myers is wonderful in how her face and demeanor emotes her happy go lucky self.

The show, directed by Tim Burton, shows their shared dorm room. One half is super colorful for Enid and the other half is dark for Wednesday.

Enid is a werewolf who hasn’t “wolfed out” yet, meaning she hasn’t transformed ever fully. Her conflict with her parents is really compelling. Enid felt stressed that she hadn’t wolfed out and therefore was a disappointment to her parents.

On “Parents Day” at Nevermore (the school) her mom puts a lot of pressure for her to wolf out, creating conflict. Her father is silent until the very end of the visit.

After Enid stands up to her mom who leaves, she has moment with her Dad. He said to her:

“I’m proud of you kiddo. You do you”

Yep, I cried at that point. Nothing like a good father daughter moment.

While Enid was a seemingly unwavering cheerleader for Wednesday I really liked how at one point she draws a boundary and leaves her temporarily. When Enid admits why to Wednesday (standing up to her) it’s a powerful emotional moment.

I LOVED how the script deftly portrays that when Enid finally stopped worrying about what other people thought (maybe from Wednesday) she wolfed out.

There is quite a bit of chatter online that it’s meant to be a comp to “coming out”. That may be partially or even fully true. I think it’s broader than that (while still including that).

It feels weird to say this but Thing (a severed hand) is the next most compelling character. The way Thing communicates and reacts to Wednesday is so fun and sweet.
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Thing seems to be the one character who can call Wednesday out (although others eventually do).

Among the other actors I liked Catherine Zeta Jones as her mom. I LOVED (and was a bit surprised by) that Luis Guzman played her dad. He’s one of those actors that I get excited for when he’s in the show (after just having seen him in Shameless!).

Fred Armisen did a GREAT job playing Uncle Festus. Christina Ricci was meh as a the only normie teacher at the school.

In general, all of the other performances were suitable but not outstanding.

One last thing. In one episode Wednesday dances to the song Goo Goo Muck by the Cramps. It is transcendent. It surpassed Pulp Fiction’s dance scene for me.

Once again Ortega feels it fully and lets it rip while dancing.

For any Dads out there a huge percentage of girls/teen girls are probably watching this series. (my daughter is) It’s worth watching because it’s entertaining and compelling.

It’s a must see because it’s a great look into social dynamics of boys and girls and a GREAT platform to talk about the show with your daughter.

#wednesdayaddams #wednesday #wednesdaydance 

Topic 5: How the Divine Feminine has many masks

Topic 5 of several: How talking to a trusted friend opened my mind and heart

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

TL;DR: I felt the magnificence of the Divine Feminine while sharing my story with a friend.

A very close friend of mine took me back and forth from the Nov 14 healing ceremony. I’ve known, loved and trusted this friend for over 10 years.

We had lunch together on Nov 18 because I wanted to tell my friend more about the experience.

My friend looked me in the eyes, patiently and lovingly listened to me as I meandered around the experience and its impact. My friend rarely interrupted except to ask me to tell me more or say “wow that must have been challenging”.

Not once did my friend try to create a strategy or solution going forward.

Not once did my friend invalidate any emotion I was going through.

Not once during the lunch did my friend start talking about what was going on in life.

My friend held the emotional space I needed to talk about how this had impacted me in so many ways. I felt seen and my heart felt held.

My friend embodied the Divine Feminine.

The twist is my friend is a man.

Rob and I have a relationship based on genuine care for each other. We have both experienced this listening experience in our friendship.

Part of my healing is learning to be held by the Divine Feminine.

It’s sort of ironic that to experience it with a man was how it flowed through.

54 things I think at 54

Every year I do a list of things I think on my birthday. I've been swamped and I finally got to it. Enjoy!

54 thoughts on my 54th birthday

1. I’m a playwright because I wrote a play
2. Since the Chiefs won the Super Bowl I’m so laid back….until I watch the Chiefs on TV
3. Unwillingness to listen openly to another pov is crushing us. Sometimes I think it’s not a matter of willingness, it’s matter of capacity to do so.
4. Redemptive stories work…every time
5. We are still in the golden age of television, the courageous and unapologetic writing is remarkable it’s given us The Bear, Abbott Elementary, The Old Man and many more
6. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is the best Mother Daughter film I’ve ever seen
7. I can’t find a cologne that really works for me, I’ve been wandering confused since I can no longer by Tiffany sport cologne
8. Self forgiveness is incomparable to any other skill I have for myself and it only worked for me when I was ready, not before
9. I’m the age today that my parents were when they called me to tell me my brother was found at the bottom of a ravine near a cliff
10. I’m certain Leave it All to Me from iCarly will once again be a top 10 song listened to on Spotify for me
11. I can’t believe I’m still hooping at 54
12. Family is family and a recurrent bad dream at times
13. I see I’m letting Zoe run her life unless she wants my help
14. My relationship with God has never been stronger
15. Getting laid off is a total bummer
16. Working in the wine industry for 10 years was a total bummer
17. It’s not who I trust, it’s how I trust
18. Football is the peak of live theater
19. Doing comedy is fun
20. Writing and performing plays is my calling
21. The Father Daughter Dance can be a really successful brand
22. Jerrod Carmichael’s Rothaniel and Sam Morril’s Same Time Tomorrow are beyond superb stand up comedy viewing
23. I’m going to see Louis CK next year and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it, he’s hilarious
24. Cancel culture is as damaging as the mistaken “patriot” designation
25. Having 10 high schooll guy friends still in my life and 25 college guy friends in my life is awesome
26. It’s disheartening we all have said for decades teachers are underpaid and nobody has solved it
27. San Francisco is still the perfect city for me
28. The mistaken widespread belief about our city is the equivalent of what I thought about Egypt before I went and what I was like when I did
29. Mental Health is a global imperative
30. They did the best they can should be context not an excuse and there’s FAR more nuance than that blanket statement
31. I’m confused by how much my daughter loves cats
32. This world is not in the hands of my age, it’s in the hands of the young people
33. “And these children that you spit on while you try to change the world” by Bowie still rings true today
34. Pre op Trans women are the most overtly emotionally and physically discriminated against today
35. I LOVE that I have a skin care regimen and I hope more guys do it
36. Learning something new every day has opened my world
37. I’m finally reconnected fully with my curious, creative and imaginative young child/adolescent
38. Irrational risks are sometimes worth taking
39. There’s no such thing as a normal person
40. New Age is a horrible term for expansive spiritual thought/art, who came up with that?
41. I want us to preserve nature and I have no interest in being in it
42. The closest I come to camping is asking for an extra fern in my hotel suite
43. Science is expansive which means what’s understood today could be different than tomorrow
44. I’m so proud of me doing a second season of my podcast
45. Every issue with social media have been issues for centuries
46. I don’t care one bit of Twitter implodes, I kind of want it to
47. My text typing skills have eroded dramatically
48. I hate that I have to auto correct ducking so often
49. Sex HAS to come out of the dark
50. I judge a person by who they are in the world if they happen to have different perspectives so it is
51. I deserve a reality show
52. I already have my next one person play ready to start writing
53. The “love yourself” narrative is destructive
54. I’m happier and more peaceful than I ever have been in my life

Topic 3: How popcorn and coke set me free

Topic 3 of several: How popcorn and coke set me free

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

One of the intentions I set going into the healing experience was to understand why I drink soda (or pop if you’re from my hometown). I drank at least one sometimes two mini-cans a day.

I often said there are certain foods like sushi, pizza, burritos and honestly a ton of other ones that I had to have a coke with. That salty and sugar combination somehow really comforted me.

I rarely drank a coke without something salty with it.

November 14, I discovered why.

Every Saturday night when I was growing up, my Dad would take out this cruddy (and probably lead based!) pot and put it on the stove top to make popcorn.

He put the kernels in and oil to cover them. Microwave and air popping popcorn were just a dream.

He’d move the pot back and forth and it made an unmistakable sound. It was like metal on metal. A few minutes later I could hear the first few kernels pop then a rapid succession of many more.

On those Friday nights each of the 5 sons were allowed to drink one Coke.

We’d sit together as a family and watch, usually, Love Boat and Fantasy Island (if I could stay awake).

It was one of the times where I felt completely safe with all the members of my family. My parents were there to monitor what was going on amongst the brothers. I didn’t feel scared.

I realize that I drink Coke with salty foods because I was unconsciously reaching back for that elusive feeling of safety.

Now I find safety in my own company and others I let in.

Having felt that, I have not had a soda since last Tuesday and I don’t miss it at all.

Such a strange twist that popcorn and coke freed me from coke.

 

5Nate Pagel, Tara Marie Ho and 3 others

 

How I trust or distrust women

Topic 2 of several: How I trust (or don’t trust) women

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

This is not an easy one to write about.

It came through crystal clear that my wounded inner child who I wrote about in my first post felt in danger and scared much of the time I grew up into adolescence. My mom was the most prominent female figure in my life (and in some ways still is when I let her).

 

My mom did an awful lot of things right bringing me and my brothers up. And I saw clearly during the experience her temper both screaming at me and occasionally swatting my lip with the back of her hand that had the engagement ring on it for real or perceived transgressions.

I know she loves and loved me and I finally see that it’s impacted the way I relate to women in many cases.

I have a ton of women friends. I have maybe 4-5 (3 I’ve known for over 35 years) that I know I can deeply trust with the deepest and darkest parts of me.

I have exceptional skills as a man in how I listen to and hold space for women when they share with me. I am emotionally fluent. Women (and men at times too) eagerly appreciate what I offer.

I used to do it so they would like me.

I finally realized that over the last many years I’ve done it so I can protect my fear of the feminine based on my experiences as a very young child. I feel in control in some way.

I don’t think it’s nefariously controlling them, it’s a form of control that I don’t have to open up and I feel safe which may not be nefarious but it's not very healthy.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit and I bring that skill hoping that at times women will appreciate what I give while simultaneously not really sharing about myself. I’m protected and I have the relationship.

I’ve had 3 examples in the last two years where women who have opened up to me have hurt me. The pattern is, I open the space many times until I feel that I can finally open up to them.

I usually open up quickly and deeply (like SO many women (and men) do with me. Even before these 3 women I’ve had women exit or were shown the door out of my life when I told them what is deep inside me.

It re-opens my childhood wound that when I really need help and compassion, I don’t get that. I made mistakes early in life and usually got punished.

And I know that at some level I’m hurting women when I retract my attention and while at some level it’s healthy on another level it’s punitive.

There are some women (and men) who demonstrate that they are not healthy to be in my life. The others may or may not have the skills and they make a mistake which is not a punishable offense.

It’s a very difficult thing to admit as I’m raising my daughter.

I believe in sound boundaries with women (and men). And my execution of that has in the past with women been in the form of retribution if when it comes time for me, she doesn’t show up.

Or I draw the the boundary by staying safe and listening to them while never really opening up

.

My realization of this behavior was part of my self forgiveness. I realize I did this and it’s not a brutally self-punishable offense.

Upon reflection I’ve learned five things:

First me to develop a healthy relationship is to first feel my intuition and my body about who I should let in.

Second a relationship is reciprocal but not contractual. It helps to talk about what I’m going through so we can develop meaningful intimacy inside our connection (friends or otherwise).

Third share early although maybe not everything at first, build that trust.

Fourth if the reciprocity isn’t evident have a conversation around it and if there’s not a meeting of the hearts, she is in a group of people I like but will remain mostly cordial with or they leave my life without rancor.

Fifth if the reciprocity is evident and we keep learning to trust that when the unavoidable mistake happens by either of us the trust built in the relationship can hold the discussion after it.

I will learn going forward to trust discerningly and to recognize when I don’t trust and act accordingly.

How I finally forgave myself

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

TL;DR: I finally forgave myself by hacking myself to find the blocks and feel them.

Entry 1: How I forgave myself

I have been sober 11 ½ years. When I was deep in my addiction I did things, particularly with Zoe that felt unforgiveable.

For most of my life I held a deep seated resentment towards my parents and my brother Jeff. I realized that part of that ongoing anger was directed at myself. How could I? WHY is it still there?

Well meaning, loving and trusted friends in my life were at times confounded why I wouldn’t let myself off the hook.

I had a therapist tell me “Just let it go” with nothing else which was not helpful.

There’s a popular idea: “Act as if”. So I was meant to act as if I forgave myself even though I hadn’t.

It felt inauthentic even why I tried it, it didn’t land. It felt like when a friend says the words I’m sorry and I don’t feel it in my body.

It’s not that I’m blocking it, it’s that my body doesn’t feel it.

My body is the ultimate truth teller.

When I performed my play this weekend I publicly told the intimate details of my redemptive arc. I took the attendees to the depths of my addiction and sickness.

I ended the play by sharing how Zoe sees and feels me now in her honest and courageous way.

 

When I emerged to the bar where and saw everyone else, I could FEEL their bodies in my body. It was unmistakable that the what is now is not just a sign of my arc emotionally and relationally now compared to how that and I was then.

 

Many, many times I’ve said “I know I’m a different dad today” “I know I was sick then” and so much more but it couldn’t get to my essence of blocking self forgiveness.

 

The play was a first step getting to self forgiveness. I could feel it as I talked to people afterwards.

 

And self-forgiveness isn't full to me by warming the ice of an instance or even a single relationship.

And yet finding self forgiveness with Zoe was a HUGE step.

 

I participated in a personal, deep healing ceremony unlike anything I have ever done before. The ceremony hacked the part of me that was blocking my self forgiveness.

 

I thought it was my mind.

 

Turns out it was my heart.

 

In the ceremony, I found large black tightly held boxes of grief I’ve never expressed or even been aware of. The unaddressed wells of grief were what protected me from feeling my inner child who was so wounded and scared.

He was wounded so badly that any other part of me was in service to fiercely and constantly defending that little boy.

In the experience I cried deeper, harder, longer and more freely than I ever have. The black boxes were poked open and the raging river of emotions broke free and flowed.

FOR YEARS I’ve said to myself I don’t know why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t see it I don’t know why.

This healing experience all but hacked those comfortable but unhealthy defenses and got to the source, to my inner child.

And when the river subsided I was metaphorically, emotionally and safely at a river bed of calm. I viscerally experienced warmth, safety and clarity.

More than anything else when that little boy looked up from the river the first thing he and I both noticed was the sunrise.

The colors of warm orange, pink and yellow shone down upon us.

That sunrise was when I said to myself “I forgive you.”

My healthy, loving caring adult took my inner child, my angry teenager and my confused adult to the edge of the river bed and we all watched the sunrise. We all understood that the night was over.

I don’t question whether I’ve forgiven myself. I don’t worry that II might slip back.

The experience burst through the loneliness of confusion into the connection of forgiveness.

 

My body, the ultimate truth teller is telling me the truth, the forgiveness is permanent.

 

I’ll write 2-4 more pieces on this experience over the next week.

 

 

My rehearsal stirs feelings for my one person play Nov 11 & 12

My one "dad" play The Father Daughter Dance premiers Nov 11 & 12 in San Francisco.

Over the last week I rehearsed big parts of my play in front of two separate people for the first time. I FELT people have emotional reactions to what I am performing (laughter, sadness, and so many others).

 

It's rewarding and unnerving.

 

Feeling just one person's reaction will be many times multiplied Nov 11 & 12.

 

My creative process has been mostly lonely and isolated. I've shown people videos, got some coaching and it's different when I perform it.

 

When I listen to a song, see a painting I have my own experience with it, regardless of what the artist conveyed.

My breath gets shallow and my body tenses up when I realize that most every audience member will have their own experience regardless of what I convey.

 

That's should be freeing but it feels a bit confronting.

 

Often women want to fix things rather than listen to feelings too

I legit ride or die with SO many of my women friends and yet.....

 

90% of these women after talking with me about a difficult thing they're going through:

 

"Thank you so much Tim it's incredible to actually talk to a man who will patiently and attentively listen to my feelings. I love that you don't try to solve things you just listen."

 

2 weeks later, when I share something that's difficult going on with me a notable percentage of that same beloved cohort respond to me (from I'm certain some kind of loving place) with things like:

 

"You'll land on your feet and find something better."

 

"Often with stuff like this it ends up being the best thing that could have happened."

 

"When that happened to me here's what I did, I can share that plan or approach that I used with you."

 

Or the confounding "God has a plan for you Tim"

 

There is an astonishingly low number of women that actually say things to me in that moment like:

 

"Oh that must be really difficult" or

 

"Tell me more" or

 

Just breathe deep and quietly let me keep going

 

Or even....

 

"Wow, how are you feeling about it?"

 

It's a fascinating dynamic.

 

At times I have to say these well meaning friends who I know care about me, I just want to share my feelings right now I don't you need to solve this.

 

And I think we'd all be surprised at the still notable number of women who after I say this STILL try to solve my problem.

 

Life is just odd at times

 

My point is I know all the stuff that many of my well meaning women friends respond first to me (I tell them that, yes I know it will be ok).

 

And it's BECAUSE I know these things that I'm able, willing and ready to talk to you about my feelings.

 

And the even bigger challenge is if I tell my friend that at times I DON'T know if it's going to be ok it's a call to even be more patient with me as I talk about my feelings.

 

For any of my beloved women friends who read this, I don't love you any less, I'm trying to love myself even more and teach you how to love me.