Why "You can only love others as much as you love yourself" is wrong

TL;DR:  How I love my daughter has taught me how to love myself, not the other way around

I know how I feel about myself. My self love has become, slowly, less conditional. It will never be unconditional, that's not for the humanity.

I've been struggling for years thinking I gotta love myself more or I'll never really love others. The stress and confusion of that statement is debilitating at times.

I finally realized something, it's not completely correct.

I love my daughter in ways that I know I don’t love myself at times. My capacity to love has expanded exponentially being her father as time has passed.

I find places in myself that I’ve even thought of.

Whether it's listening to her talk about the most challenging parts of her life without jumping in or stepping back and letting her have the dignity of difficult experiences, giving her choice it's the same.

There are these "Wow if I can love like THAT, I know I have that capacity for love, even for myself".

I tell her I love you often and it’s often from the depths of myself. I almost never say that to myself.

The bodily sensation of saying it is so notably atypical that I feel a bit shook that it’s there. It's at the cellular level as a friend once said.

My body, the greatest truth teller of all, tells me I've reached a new level in service to love her.

It feels like a devotion and care that at times is or has been dormant to the point of non existence. I realize in those moments, wow that’s the kind of love I’m capable of perhaps I can give that to myself.

You might be saying “Ah you couldn’t have done that if you didn’t already unknowingly love yourself!”

There are two issues with that statement:

First, I virtually never say that to myself. I have at times, in the mirror but rarely day to day.

Second, when I do I never have that bodily sensation that shakes me into thinking “Wow I didn’t know I had that in me about myself”.

I know my self talk and self feeling and neither fits into that category. My body sensation when I say that is less like WOW and more like Dracula reacting to holy water.

You may also be saying “Maybe that’s you grieving what you didn’t feel when you were a child”

Hmmm, that’s not a bad one but the thing is I’m not talking about what Zoe feels. I’m talking about what I feel.

Is it possible that when my Dad (he said it often) or Mom (she said it less often) said it they felt that shook feeling in their body?

I suppose that’s possible but honestly I’ll never really know.

For me when I submit to the near tyranny of the perspective that “I can only love others as I love myself” I find myself spun and unwilling to share love as freely as I do.

I can make the case, credibly, about how I eat, exercise, work on myself, etc are demonstrable examples of how I love myself. I can certainly make the case the thoughts that I have are examples as well.

I can certainly say that I NEVER have the thoughts about my daughter that I have about myself. Having been through numerous periods of my life (including very recently) of continuous casual thoughts of suicide, I simply never talk to her like that.

However I’ve found that by exercising more my mindset and feelings change. I don’t think “If I really loved myself I’d do this”. It’s shaming, not motivating.

I don’t love my daughter to “act as if” I love myself. That feels disingenuous.

It’s really simple I have moments when I show up for my daughter in ways I would NEVER dreamed possible, I learn what’s possible in me and for me.

I do have those moments when I help my closest friends or family members I deeply care about so the pressure isn't on Zoe. Rather Zoe is the easiest example to point to.

It's not on her for me to grow like this and it led me to this conclusion:

I prefer to reframe the statement as “I learn how divinely I can love myself by how I love others”.