Laura Dern live on her new book Honey, Baby, Mine: A Mother and Daughter Talk Life, Death, Love (and Banana Pudding)
TL;DR: Laura Dern reminded me that in intimate impactful relationships truth held back is damaging, truth shared is freeing.
I saw Laura Dern in convo with Cheryl Strayed (author of the terrific book Wild) last night. The subject of the talk was Laura’s (yep I'm calling her Laura!) new book about her relationship with her mom, actor Diane Ladd.
They started with short ones and grew from there. As part of the time together and the near term fatal diagnosis (Diane’s lived beyond it already) they decided the would talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about their relationship.
Laura started by noting: Parents lie to their children. Children lie to their parents. Oftentimes because neither wants to hurt the other one’s feelings.
I’d never heard it put so plainly and it hit right to my heart.
The types of talks they had were wide ranging from recipes to deeply hurtful emotional experiences as time went on.
When Laura shared that sometimes she just needed to say “You did this when I was younger and it hurt me” without necessarily litigating what happened it was quite touching.
She admitted that while they hadn’t figure everything out and may never that being in the mess was better than holding it in. Laura thinks that part of her mom’s health improvement is setting aside the burden of these unsaid things.
She told a hilarious emotional story of when her mom gave her parenting advice. She was triggered and found it in her to lift and throw a 7 foot couch.
She made it clear that it actually happened!
Oh and she does an AMAZING Diane Ladd imitation. 
Laura told her mom that it hurt that she was gone so much for her job acting (at a time when both Diane Ladd and Bruce Dern were making very little money).
Laura followed it up by sharing that she did the exact same thing when telling her teenage daughter she was going to work over an important week for her daughter.
I go to a lot of these events and I love it when authors, scientists, actors, etc. share parenting stories (France McDormand did the same thing with a different story).
Laura told an incredible story that she was booted out of UCLA from her college degree path because she took the job to be in Blue Velvet (one of my all time faves).
Speaking of which (of course) I asked a question. I started saying that she was one of my hardest to explain crushes as a teenager having seen her for the first time in Blue Velvet.
I’d be like “Wow Blue Velvet is SO disturbing…..did you see Laura Dern she is so HOT!!”.
Given my background with my daughter that many of you know with my addiction and now sustained long term sobriety I wanted her perspective.
You see given what she talked about her children lived an awful long time with someone who modeled her relationship with her mom Diane Ladd with her kids. So she certainly behaved in some ways that she’d like to take back (like me).
I think there are two categories of things from the past for my daughter (I’m sure there’s more but this is how I think and feel).
She’s aware of an issue and not ready to talk about it and may even tell me that.
I can actually handle that one ok. It’s a touch nerve wracking but that’s about my patience.
The second category are issues she’s not aware of. Those are the ones that are hard for me to take because she’s being run consciously or unconsciously by them potentially.
How do you navigate that?
She said the most important party is the invitation to have the conversation. And when the time comes be ready.
She opened my mind to something I’d never thought of before.
As part of the conversations with her mom she realized that she always wanted to ask about her parents’ relationship before their divorce.
She playfully watered down her mom’s response but one of the big hooks was that Bruce Dern was an incredible lover.
I was thinking about my daughter SO many times during the talk and she actually called during it.
I called her later and gave her an invitation to ask about my relationship with her mom before our divorce (which had a ton of good times and incredible journeys).
Oh in case you’re wondering I would not look back at myself as any kind of incredible lover back then….key words there are “back then”
She told a story about being 6 ½ on the set of Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and peering through a crack in a bathroom door below Martin Scorsese as her mom and Ellen Burstyn talked earnestly about the realities of being a single mom.
It was a bit of a mind-twister because her mom was single at the time and she’s observing her mom talking about it.
They both touched on the idea that people might say that character is a "powerful woman" rather than just the character is powerful.
At several points like that in the interview I had a few "aha's" in the subtle or overt way I might say things like that in front of Zoe in particular or anyone else.
Cheryl Strayed was INCREDIBLE as the interviewer. They admitted up front that they have a great relationship and that was undeniably evident.
Having gone to so many of these the interviewer makes a GIGANTIC difference and Cheryl delivered.
Admittedly I was positively biased going into it in that I LOVED her book Wild.
Admittedly I was positively biased going into it in that I LOVED her book Wild.
Their real life chemistry is unmissable.
I also went in wanting to like Laura Dern (not surprisingly…honestly I still have a crush on her!). Sometimes stars just aren’t very interesting in long form more intimate interviews. She delivered and so much more.
Revisiting my teenage Blue Velvet crush turned out to be basically the only slightly uncomfortable part of the event. I’m SO glad I went.
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