T-M-I from T-I-M

Topic 5: How the Divine Feminine has many masks

Topic 5 of several: How talking to a trusted friend opened my mind and heart

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

TL;DR: I felt the magnificence of the Divine Feminine while sharing my story with a friend.

A very close friend of mine took me back and forth from the Nov 14 healing ceremony. I’ve known, loved and trusted this friend for over 10 years.

We had lunch together on Nov 18 because I wanted to tell my friend more about the experience.

My friend looked me in the eyes, patiently and lovingly listened to me as I meandered around the experience and its impact. My friend rarely interrupted except to ask me to tell me more or say “wow that must have been challenging”.

Not once did my friend try to create a strategy or solution going forward.

Not once did my friend invalidate any emotion I was going through.

Not once during the lunch did my friend start talking about what was going on in life.

My friend held the emotional space I needed to talk about how this had impacted me in so many ways. I felt seen and my heart felt held.

My friend embodied the Divine Feminine.

The twist is my friend is a man.

Rob and I have a relationship based on genuine care for each other. We have both experienced this listening experience in our friendship.

Part of my healing is learning to be held by the Divine Feminine.

It’s sort of ironic that to experience it with a man was how it flowed through.

Topic 4: Why I no longer weep at songs that remind me of a young Zoe

Topic 4 of several: How I stopped repeatedly weeping at the same songs

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

There are certain songs I listened to when Zoe was very young. Over the last 5 years in particular when I would listen to those songs, I would cry…. like EVERY time.

The songs include:

Make You Feel My Love (acapella version)
Daughters by John Mayer
Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson

I’d listen to them connect back to when she was young and I was in the darkest days of my addiction. My tears flowed because of the regret for what I was during those years.

The last two songs in Shawshank Redemption (So Was Red and End Title) in particular were really painful.

When Zoe was a baby, we traveled on an airplane to Virginia. She was fussy, I was admittedly a bit high. That being said, I took her in my arms and she rested on my chest.

I walked up and down the aisle of the plane comforting her by humming those songs from Shawshank Redemption as she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. It was a tender, loving moment that I chose to look at with regret.

I have been listening to all those songs in the last week and a half there are not tears of regret. I’ve forgiven myself for who I was then.

When I shed a tear listening to them it’s purely from how beautiful the songs are.

There’s a legitimate difference between tears of shame and regret and tears of the joy of the beauty of music. Now I know the difference and that I’m healed.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

54 things I think at 54

Every year I do a list of things I think on my birthday. I've been swamped and I finally got to it. Enjoy!

54 thoughts on my 54th birthday

1. I’m a playwright because I wrote a play
2. Since the Chiefs won the Super Bowl I’m so laid back….until I watch the Chiefs on TV
3. Unwillingness to listen openly to another pov is crushing us. Sometimes I think it’s not a matter of willingness, it’s matter of capacity to do so.
4. Redemptive stories work…every time
5. We are still in the golden age of television, the courageous and unapologetic writing is remarkable it’s given us The Bear, Abbott Elementary, The Old Man and many more
6. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is the best Mother Daughter film I’ve ever seen
7. I can’t find a cologne that really works for me, I’ve been wandering confused since I can no longer by Tiffany sport cologne
8. Self forgiveness is incomparable to any other skill I have for myself and it only worked for me when I was ready, not before
9. I’m the age today that my parents were when they called me to tell me my brother was found at the bottom of a ravine near a cliff
10. I’m certain Leave it All to Me from iCarly will once again be a top 10 song listened to on Spotify for me
11. I can’t believe I’m still hooping at 54
12. Family is family and a recurrent bad dream at times
13. I see I’m letting Zoe run her life unless she wants my help
14. My relationship with God has never been stronger
15. Getting laid off is a total bummer
16. Working in the wine industry for 10 years was a total bummer
17. It’s not who I trust, it’s how I trust
18. Football is the peak of live theater
19. Doing comedy is fun
20. Writing and performing plays is my calling
21. The Father Daughter Dance can be a really successful brand
22. Jerrod Carmichael’s Rothaniel and Sam Morril’s Same Time Tomorrow are beyond superb stand up comedy viewing
23. I’m going to see Louis CK next year and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it, he’s hilarious
24. Cancel culture is as damaging as the mistaken “patriot” designation
25. Having 10 high schooll guy friends still in my life and 25 college guy friends in my life is awesome
26. It’s disheartening we all have said for decades teachers are underpaid and nobody has solved it
27. San Francisco is still the perfect city for me
28. The mistaken widespread belief about our city is the equivalent of what I thought about Egypt before I went and what I was like when I did
29. Mental Health is a global imperative
30. They did the best they can should be context not an excuse and there’s FAR more nuance than that blanket statement
31. I’m confused by how much my daughter loves cats
32. This world is not in the hands of my age, it’s in the hands of the young people
33. “And these children that you spit on while you try to change the world” by Bowie still rings true today
34. Pre op Trans women are the most overtly emotionally and physically discriminated against today
35. I LOVE that I have a skin care regimen and I hope more guys do it
36. Learning something new every day has opened my world
37. I’m finally reconnected fully with my curious, creative and imaginative young child/adolescent
38. Irrational risks are sometimes worth taking
39. There’s no such thing as a normal person
40. New Age is a horrible term for expansive spiritual thought/art, who came up with that?
41. I want us to preserve nature and I have no interest in being in it
42. The closest I come to camping is asking for an extra fern in my hotel suite
43. Science is expansive which means what’s understood today could be different than tomorrow
44. I’m so proud of me doing a second season of my podcast
45. Every issue with social media have been issues for centuries
46. I don’t care one bit of Twitter implodes, I kind of want it to
47. My text typing skills have eroded dramatically
48. I hate that I have to auto correct ducking so often
49. Sex HAS to come out of the dark
50. I judge a person by who they are in the world if they happen to have different perspectives so it is
51. I deserve a reality show
52. I already have my next one person play ready to start writing
53. The “love yourself” narrative is destructive
54. I’m happier and more peaceful than I ever have been in my life

Topic 3: How popcorn and coke set me free

Topic 3 of several: How popcorn and coke set me free

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

One of the intentions I set going into the healing experience was to understand why I drink soda (or pop if you’re from my hometown). I drank at least one sometimes two mini-cans a day.

I often said there are certain foods like sushi, pizza, burritos and honestly a ton of other ones that I had to have a coke with. That salty and sugar combination somehow really comforted me.

I rarely drank a coke without something salty with it.

November 14, I discovered why.

Every Saturday night when I was growing up, my Dad would take out this cruddy (and probably lead based!) pot and put it on the stove top to make popcorn.

He put the kernels in and oil to cover them. Microwave and air popping popcorn were just a dream.

He’d move the pot back and forth and it made an unmistakable sound. It was like metal on metal. A few minutes later I could hear the first few kernels pop then a rapid succession of many more.

On those Friday nights each of the 5 sons were allowed to drink one Coke.

We’d sit together as a family and watch, usually, Love Boat and Fantasy Island (if I could stay awake).

It was one of the times where I felt completely safe with all the members of my family. My parents were there to monitor what was going on amongst the brothers. I didn’t feel scared.

I realize that I drink Coke with salty foods because I was unconsciously reaching back for that elusive feeling of safety.

Now I find safety in my own company and others I let in.

Having felt that, I have not had a soda since last Tuesday and I don’t miss it at all.

Such a strange twist that popcorn and coke freed me from coke.

 

5Nate Pagel, Tara Marie Ho and 3 others

 

How I trust or distrust women

Topic 2 of several: How I trust (or don’t trust) women

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

This is not an easy one to write about.

It came through crystal clear that my wounded inner child who I wrote about in my first post felt in danger and scared much of the time I grew up into adolescence. My mom was the most prominent female figure in my life (and in some ways still is when I let her).

 

My mom did an awful lot of things right bringing me and my brothers up. And I saw clearly during the experience her temper both screaming at me and occasionally swatting my lip with the back of her hand that had the engagement ring on it for real or perceived transgressions.

I know she loves and loved me and I finally see that it’s impacted the way I relate to women in many cases.

I have a ton of women friends. I have maybe 4-5 (3 I’ve known for over 35 years) that I know I can deeply trust with the deepest and darkest parts of me.

I have exceptional skills as a man in how I listen to and hold space for women when they share with me. I am emotionally fluent. Women (and men at times too) eagerly appreciate what I offer.

I used to do it so they would like me.

I finally realized that over the last many years I’ve done it so I can protect my fear of the feminine based on my experiences as a very young child. I feel in control in some way.

I don’t think it’s nefariously controlling them, it’s a form of control that I don’t have to open up and I feel safe which may not be nefarious but it's not very healthy.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit and I bring that skill hoping that at times women will appreciate what I give while simultaneously not really sharing about myself. I’m protected and I have the relationship.

I’ve had 3 examples in the last two years where women who have opened up to me have hurt me. The pattern is, I open the space many times until I feel that I can finally open up to them.

I usually open up quickly and deeply (like SO many women (and men) do with me. Even before these 3 women I’ve had women exit or were shown the door out of my life when I told them what is deep inside me.

It re-opens my childhood wound that when I really need help and compassion, I don’t get that. I made mistakes early in life and usually got punished.

And I know that at some level I’m hurting women when I retract my attention and while at some level it’s healthy on another level it’s punitive.

There are some women (and men) who demonstrate that they are not healthy to be in my life. The others may or may not have the skills and they make a mistake which is not a punishable offense.

It’s a very difficult thing to admit as I’m raising my daughter.

I believe in sound boundaries with women (and men). And my execution of that has in the past with women been in the form of retribution if when it comes time for me, she doesn’t show up.

Or I draw the the boundary by staying safe and listening to them while never really opening up

.

My realization of this behavior was part of my self forgiveness. I realize I did this and it’s not a brutally self-punishable offense.

Upon reflection I’ve learned five things:

First me to develop a healthy relationship is to first feel my intuition and my body about who I should let in.

Second a relationship is reciprocal but not contractual. It helps to talk about what I’m going through so we can develop meaningful intimacy inside our connection (friends or otherwise).

Third share early although maybe not everything at first, build that trust.

Fourth if the reciprocity isn’t evident have a conversation around it and if there’s not a meeting of the hearts, she is in a group of people I like but will remain mostly cordial with or they leave my life without rancor.

Fifth if the reciprocity is evident and we keep learning to trust that when the unavoidable mistake happens by either of us the trust built in the relationship can hold the discussion after it.

I will learn going forward to trust discerningly and to recognize when I don’t trust and act accordingly.

How I finally forgave myself

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

TL;DR: I finally forgave myself by hacking myself to find the blocks and feel them.

Entry 1: How I forgave myself

I have been sober 11 ½ years. When I was deep in my addiction I did things, particularly with Zoe that felt unforgiveable.

For most of my life I held a deep seated resentment towards my parents and my brother Jeff. I realized that part of that ongoing anger was directed at myself. How could I? WHY is it still there?

Well meaning, loving and trusted friends in my life were at times confounded why I wouldn’t let myself off the hook.

I had a therapist tell me “Just let it go” with nothing else which was not helpful.

There’s a popular idea: “Act as if”. So I was meant to act as if I forgave myself even though I hadn’t.

It felt inauthentic even why I tried it, it didn’t land. It felt like when a friend says the words I’m sorry and I don’t feel it in my body.

It’s not that I’m blocking it, it’s that my body doesn’t feel it.

My body is the ultimate truth teller.

When I performed my play this weekend I publicly told the intimate details of my redemptive arc. I took the attendees to the depths of my addiction and sickness.

I ended the play by sharing how Zoe sees and feels me now in her honest and courageous way.

 

When I emerged to the bar where and saw everyone else, I could FEEL their bodies in my body. It was unmistakable that the what is now is not just a sign of my arc emotionally and relationally now compared to how that and I was then.

 

Many, many times I’ve said “I know I’m a different dad today” “I know I was sick then” and so much more but it couldn’t get to my essence of blocking self forgiveness.

 

The play was a first step getting to self forgiveness. I could feel it as I talked to people afterwards.

 

And self-forgiveness isn't full to me by warming the ice of an instance or even a single relationship.

And yet finding self forgiveness with Zoe was a HUGE step.

 

I participated in a personal, deep healing ceremony unlike anything I have ever done before. The ceremony hacked the part of me that was blocking my self forgiveness.

 

I thought it was my mind.

 

Turns out it was my heart.

 

In the ceremony, I found large black tightly held boxes of grief I’ve never expressed or even been aware of. The unaddressed wells of grief were what protected me from feeling my inner child who was so wounded and scared.

He was wounded so badly that any other part of me was in service to fiercely and constantly defending that little boy.

In the experience I cried deeper, harder, longer and more freely than I ever have. The black boxes were poked open and the raging river of emotions broke free and flowed.

FOR YEARS I’ve said to myself I don’t know why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t see it I don’t know why.

This healing experience all but hacked those comfortable but unhealthy defenses and got to the source, to my inner child.

And when the river subsided I was metaphorically, emotionally and safely at a river bed of calm. I viscerally experienced warmth, safety and clarity.

More than anything else when that little boy looked up from the river the first thing he and I both noticed was the sunrise.

The colors of warm orange, pink and yellow shone down upon us.

That sunrise was when I said to myself “I forgive you.”

My healthy, loving caring adult took my inner child, my angry teenager and my confused adult to the edge of the river bed and we all watched the sunrise. We all understood that the night was over.

I don’t question whether I’ve forgiven myself. I don’t worry that II might slip back.

The experience burst through the loneliness of confusion into the connection of forgiveness.

 

My body, the ultimate truth teller is telling me the truth, the forgiveness is permanent.

 

I’ll write 2-4 more pieces on this experience over the next week.

 

 

My rehearsal stirs feelings for my one person play Nov 11 & 12

My one "dad" play The Father Daughter Dance premiers Nov 11 & 12 in San Francisco.

Over the last week I rehearsed big parts of my play in front of two separate people for the first time. I FELT people have emotional reactions to what I am performing (laughter, sadness, and so many others).

 

It's rewarding and unnerving.

 

Feeling just one person's reaction will be many times multiplied Nov 11 & 12.

 

My creative process has been mostly lonely and isolated. I've shown people videos, got some coaching and it's different when I perform it.

 

When I listen to a song, see a painting I have my own experience with it, regardless of what the artist conveyed.

My breath gets shallow and my body tenses up when I realize that most every audience member will have their own experience regardless of what I convey.

 

That's should be freeing but it feels a bit confronting.