Topic 2 of several: How I trust (or don’t trust) women
Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.
I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.
It came through crystal clear that my wounded inner child who I wrote about in my first post felt in danger and scared much of the time I grew up into adolescence. My mom was the most prominent female figure in my life (and in some ways still is when I let her).
My mom did an awful lot of things right bringing me and my brothers up. And I saw clearly during the experience her temper both screaming at me and occasionally swatting my lip with the back of her hand that had the engagement ring on it for real or perceived transgressions.
I know she loves and loved me and I finally see that it’s impacted the way I relate to women in many cases.
I have a ton of women friends. I have maybe 4-5 (3 I’ve known for over 35 years) that I know I can deeply trust with the deepest and darkest parts of me.
I have exceptional skills as a man in how I listen to and hold space for women when they share with me. I am emotionally fluent. Women (and men at times too) eagerly appreciate what I offer.
I used to do it so they would like me.
I finally realized that over the last many years I’ve done it so I can protect my fear of the feminine based on my experiences as a very young child. I feel in control in some way.
I don’t think it’s nefariously controlling them, it’s a form of control that I don’t have to open up and I feel safe which may not be nefarious but it's not very healthy.
It’s not the easiest thing to admit and I bring that skill hoping that at times women will appreciate what I give while simultaneously not really sharing about myself. I’m protected and I have the relationship.
I’ve had 3 examples in the last two years where women who have opened up to me have hurt me. The pattern is, I open the space many times until I feel that I can finally open up to them.
I usually open up quickly and deeply (like SO many women (and men) do with me. Even before these 3 women I’ve had women exit or were shown the door out of my life when I told them what is deep inside me.
It re-opens my childhood wound that when I really need help and compassion, I don’t get that. I made mistakes early in life and usually got punished.
And I know that at some level I’m hurting women when I retract my attention and while at some level it’s healthy on another level it’s punitive.
There are some women (and men) who demonstrate that they are not healthy to be in my life. The others may or may not have the skills and they make a mistake which is not a punishable offense.
It’s a very difficult thing to admit as I’m raising my daughter.
I believe in sound boundaries with women (and men). And my execution of that has in the past with women been in the form of retribution if when it comes time for me, she doesn’t show up.
Or I draw the the boundary by staying safe and listening to them while never really opening up
.
My realization of this behavior was part of my self forgiveness. I realize I did this and it’s not a brutally self-punishable offense.
Upon reflection I’ve learned five things:
First me to develop a healthy relationship is to first feel my intuition and my body about who I should let in.
Second a relationship is reciprocal but not contractual. It helps to talk about what I’m going through so we can develop meaningful intimacy inside our connection (friends or otherwise).
Third share early although maybe not everything at first, build that trust.
Fourth if the reciprocity isn’t evident have a conversation around it and if there’s not a meeting of the hearts, she is in a group of people I like but will remain mostly cordial with or they leave my life without rancor.
Fifth if the reciprocity is evident and we keep learning to trust that when the unavoidable mistake happens by either of us the trust built in the relationship can hold the discussion after it.
I will learn going forward to trust discerningly and to recognize when I don’t trust and act accordingly.
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