T-M-I from T-I-M

A Father's Day intention for children having a tough day today

To all the sons and daughters (particularly daughters) who have painful relationships with your Dad because

he left,
he physically and/or emotionally abused you,
he refuses as an adult to work on himself
is just absent as a heart centered human or
anything else

I want you to know that you are in my prayers and deeply in my heart today.

While that wasn't my relationship with my Dad and is not my experience as a father today with my daughter even though I was not the Dad I wanted to be during some dark times I still can feel your challenge in some way.

It's also true that the Dads who do show up deserve this day.

And I can't help but think about how difficult it is for those that have Dads who didn't or still don't earn it.

And I can't help but think that if I were one of them I wonder if there would be some part of me that would still hope beyond evidence that he would turn it around.

Often women want to fix things rather than listen to feelings too

I legit ride or die with SO many of my women friends and yet.....

 

90% of these women after talking with me about a difficult thing they're going through:

 

"Thank you so much Tim it's incredible to actually talk to a man who will patiently and attentively listen to my feelings. I love that you don't try to solve things you just listen."

 

2 weeks later, when I share something that's difficult going on with me a notable percentage of that same beloved cohort respond to me (from I'm certain some kind of loving place) with things like:

 

"You'll land on your feet and find something better."

 

"Often with stuff like this it ends up being the best thing that could have happened."

 

"When that happened to me here's what I did, I can share that plan or approach that I used with you."

 

Or the confounding "God has a plan for you Tim"

 

There is an astonishingly low number of women that actually say things to me in that moment like:

 

"Oh that must be really difficult" or

 

"Tell me more" or

 

Just breathe deep and quietly let me keep going

 

Or even....

 

"Wow, how are you feeling about it?"

 

It's a fascinating dynamic.

 

At times I have to say these well meaning friends who I know care about me, I just want to share my feelings right now I don't you need to solve this.

 

And I think we'd all be surprised at the still notable number of women who after I say this STILL try to solve my problem.

 

Life is just odd at times

 

My point is I know all the stuff that many of my well meaning women friends respond first to me (I tell them that, yes I know it will be ok).

 

And it's BECAUSE I know these things that I'm able, willing and ready to talk to you about my feelings.

 

And the even bigger challenge is if I tell my friend that at times I DON'T know if it's going to be ok it's a call to even be more patient with me as I talk about my feelings.

 

For any of my beloved women friends who read this, I don't love you any less, I'm trying to love myself even more and teach you how to love me.

12 Random Thoughts on the Uvalde Murders

12 random thoughts on the Uvalde shooting:

 

1. My daughter the student now the teacher:

 

After 18 years worrying about whether my daughter would be killed in a school I will now worry another 20+ years about my daughter dying and being trained to kill someone to protect her students as a teacher.

 

To deny there aren’t likely adverse second and third order consequences to teachers having guns is myopic at VERY best.

 

There are American citizens who believe that we should turn teachers into part time law enforcement officials after a group of FULLY trained officers made MASSIVE errors.

 

Arming and training my daughter to protect her kids as a viable solution is INSANE.

 

And btw, how do you adjust their already ridiculously low salaries for this?

 

2. The surviving children:

 

I have not been able to get out of my mind and heart every minute when those children were in that room with that murderer.

 

I think the children that survived have a traumatic experience that will live devastatingly in their bodies for the rest of their lives.

 

If we really believe in supporting life, every one of those children that survived and parents of whose children were murdered should have access to free HIGH QUALITY mental health support for the remainder of their lives, paid by taxpayers (including me) or other organizations.

 

3. Statistical anomaly:

 

An awful numerical co-incidence: 19 children died while 19 law enforcement personnel waited to act.

 

4. Undeniable facts:

 

It’s undeniable that the murderer bought gun(s) legally and this shooting happened. Many gun murders and suicides of all kinds are done by people who buy guns legally. It’s a fact.

 

To deny that is a part of the issue is myopic.

 

It’s undeniable that some breakdown in the way these murderers are parented/brought up and how they were treated socially plays a role in what they do.

 

To deny that is a part of the issue is myopic.

 

It’s not an “or” it’s an “and”, a flawed legal gun buying system and damaged parental/guidance system both contribute to lost young and older adults.

 

5. The Killers:

 

Adults of every age have to be held accountable regardless of legality buying the gun, social/parental limitations. They MUST be punished.

 

Other than stopping them from killing more innocent people, I’m frustrated when the killer dies.

 

I want to understand them better to stop it in the future and a dark part of me believes it’s more of a punishment for them to live with this rather than die because of it.

 

The part of me that loves redemption stories is really, really challenged to desire redemption for the murderer of innocent children by adults or near adults with guns.

 

6. Lawsuits:

 

I’m in favor of pursuing lawsuits against (YES I get that these are VERY hard to do or even justify):

 

Gun companies that sell high-capacity weapons without increased scrutiny at a minimum.

Parents of people who use guns to kill children (like the Oxford parents were)

Individuals who post threatening content online. (This is starting to happen which I think is worthy although understandably a very difficult needle to thread.)

 

7. Gun Owners:

 

It’s interesting to me how many NRA members actually support thorough screenings that go beyond the current laws.

 

The people who think that our citizenry could POSSIBLY defend itself against our government’s military with a gigantic cache of AR-15’s and more are beyond delusional.

 

Bombs and tanks beat rifles every single time. The argument that this protects us from the tyranny of the government is absurd.

 

8. Politicians Politicize:

 

95% of politicians politicize EVERYTHING. That’s what politicians do, it’s their way to stay in power.

 

Politicians even politicize by accusing other of politicizing!

 

It’s harsh to say it but children being killed is a political opportunity in that the event is a way to enact change. It’s no different than when an illegal immigrant does something awful and that’s politicized.

 

My very cynical side wonders if some politicians wish this happened closer to the election.

 

My even more cynical side wonders if those politicians are relatively comforted knowing that it will likely happen again closer to it.

 

9. Would I?:

 

If given the opportunity to kill this murderer and it was the only option given to stop him if I knew he was on the way to do what he did, I would have a very difficult time saying no.

 

10. Terrorist?:

 

I have a hard time calling this murderer a terrorist. I don’t understand how to frame the Uvalde killing as politically motivated although it did take innocent lives. (those two conditions are the definition of terrorism)

 

I think the Pittsburgh murderer was a terrorist.

 

11. Contextualizing Gun Violence:

 

Gun violence in general is a gruesome issue in our country but:

It’s hard to compare gun violence by gangs against each other (that don’t take innocent lives) to this reasonably.

 

Innocent people killed in inner city gun violence when they are bystanders to gang violence is not the same either.

 

The innocent people in these inner-city murders are NOT the target. In Uvalde the innocents WERE the target.

 

It doesn’t mean these killings aren’t equally important (and the innocent children in particular killed are a tragedy) but to call them the same is not accurate.

 

Even that sentence is a little dark.

 

Suicide by gun can’t be compared to the Uvalde killings either. Having personal experience with this I can assure you it is simply not the same.

 

All four categories (the three above and the original issue) are issues that I’d hope we’d address and have some of the same approaches on legality of gun purchase and family/system upbringing as well as mental health.

 

Economic disparity is a notable issue for the inner-city killings that most people honestly don’t care or act like we care about if we’re being honest.

 

12. Random final thoughts:

 

I don’t know what it will take to wake us up collectively in a way that we do SOMETHING different.

 

While it’s not a white male thing exclusively, it’s astounding how often the worst of the worst events (Parkland, Columbine, Vegas, etc.) are perpetrated by white males and this one wasn’t.

 

This event blew a substantial hole in the let’s have good guys with guns there to handle it.

 

I actually hate that every once in a while I have to share “random” thoughts on topics like this but I do anyway.

 

Grieving in Kauai

A trip to Kauai:

TL;DR I went to grieve and I grieved, I'm back, will move forward and am loved.

I've been absent for about 2 weeks mostly from Facebook. I'm going through some difficult personal stuff.

I have been facing some trauma from childhood and early adulthood. I've gotten strong therapeutic support and also am utilizing a technique called EMDR which has been instrumental for me.

Very briefly EMDR opens up parts of the brain that are associated with a traumatic experience to bring it to the light, bring some new perspective to it and reshape the perspective going forward.

It's been a godsend for me.

I also am going through some other personal challenges I may share about soon. I mostly am sharing that one to one with people in my life.

 

With this as context I went to Kauai.

I was in Kauai last week and decided not to make it a "post as I go" vacation mostly because I was there to let a lot of the emotions and grief of a bunch of stuff flow.

 

And flow it did.

 

I hung out for parts of it with my awesome friend who also created a healing ceremony for me that was magnificent. She's got some otherworldly powers that she brings with love, compassion and certainty.

 

Kauai has a vibration to it that is distinctly maternal/feminine and unmistakably powerful. I didn't take a ton of pictures because the pics don't do it justice.

 

I did post one below that shows a majestic, feminine mountain that was outside the window from where I stayed. It bore witness to my entire experience, ready for me to bring myself to her whenever I chose.

 

Kauai odd mix of modestly living locals and opulently blessed tourists. It's not a cheap place to go.

 

It's an unfortunate reality because it's a freeing experience mostly available to those with means and it seemed that most with means were there to golf, snorkel, zipline, hike, whatever. I'm not sure if the healing power of the island was given to them in an incidental manner.

 

I was there to get it directly.

 

I spent a lot of it by myself and overall doing very little other than lying on the beach. Oddly the most emotional part of the trip was at a random cafe where for one hour I cried my eyes out.

 

As I did a lovely married young woman came over and gently put her hand on my shoulder and simply told me that she witnessed I was going through something. She wasn't there to make it go away, she was seemingly there to tell me I'm not alone.

 

She specifically told me that about 30 minutes later before she left. She also told me that spent almost 2 years in tears with post partum depression after having twins and that she recognized my courage for being out.

 

On the lighter but equally lovely side, I saw a very old man and his wife with their daughter and her young family.

 

As they walked by me a second adult daughter snuck out from the corner and surprised them. They had several long hugs.

I only know the relationship because about 20 minutes later I introduced myself and told them (through tears no surprise) how lovely that moment was to witness.

 

It was like a youtube reunion video come to life.

 

On the strange side at one point a woman walked by walking a black cat. It was fascinating seeing everyone's reaction one by one as the black cat passed by them.

 

The most metaphorically meaningful part of the trip was bodysurfing the last day at Hanalei Beach. The waves were decent size but not huge.

 

It was a part where I could physically let go into the indifference of the power of nature. When I relaxed and let my body be taken I noticed that in the turbulence of the waves, the intelligence and compassion of them brought me to safety.

 

They were simply doing their job.

 

Since I've gotten home I'm carefully paying attention to signs and signals. I am dreaming quite vividly.

 

Who knows what it all might mean?

 

In this time I'm at in my life I'm clear that I'm at a pivot where if I want to deeply trust and rely on God and my faith I can do it. The choice is mine.

 

During this time the number of people who have consistently and reliably told me that they are there for me is astonishing and brings tears to my eyes.

 

Thank you to all of you who love me with such unwavering ferocity. You're my dawgs....