A trip to Kauai:
TL;DR I went to grieve and I grieved, I'm back, will move forward and am loved.
I've been absent for about 2 weeks mostly from Facebook. I'm going through some difficult personal stuff.
I have been facing some trauma from childhood and early adulthood. I've gotten strong therapeutic support and also am utilizing a technique called EMDR which has been instrumental for me.
Very briefly EMDR opens up parts of the brain that are associated with a traumatic experience to bring it to the light, bring some new perspective to it and reshape the perspective going forward.
It's been a godsend for me.
I also am going through some other personal challenges I may share about soon. I mostly am sharing that one to one with people in my life.
With this as context I went to Kauai.
I was in Kauai last week and decided not to make it a "post as I go" vacation mostly because I was there to let a lot of the emotions and grief of a bunch of stuff flow.
And flow it did.
I hung out for parts of it with my awesome friend who also created a healing ceremony for me that was magnificent. She's got some otherworldly powers that she brings with love, compassion and certainty.
Kauai has a vibration to it that is distinctly maternal/feminine and unmistakably powerful. I didn't take a ton of pictures because the pics don't do it justice.
I did post one below that shows a majestic, feminine mountain that was outside the window from where I stayed. It bore witness to my entire experience, ready for me to bring myself to her whenever I chose.
Kauai odd mix of modestly living locals and opulently blessed tourists. It's not a cheap place to go.
It's an unfortunate reality because it's a freeing experience mostly available to those with means and it seemed that most with means were there to golf, snorkel, zipline, hike, whatever. I'm not sure if the healing power of the island was given to them in an incidental manner.
I was there to get it directly.
I spent a lot of it by myself and overall doing very little other than lying on the beach. Oddly the most emotional part of the trip was at a random cafe where for one hour I cried my eyes out.
As I did a lovely married young woman came over and gently put her hand on my shoulder and simply told me that she witnessed I was going through something. She wasn't there to make it go away, she was seemingly there to tell me I'm not alone.
She specifically told me that about 30 minutes later before she left. She also told me that spent almost 2 years in tears with post partum depression after having twins and that she recognized my courage for being out.
On the lighter but equally lovely side, I saw a very old man and his wife with their daughter and her young family.
As they walked by me a second adult daughter snuck out from the corner and surprised them. They had several long hugs.
I only know the relationship because about 20 minutes later I introduced myself and told them (through tears no surprise) how lovely that moment was to witness.
It was like a youtube reunion video come to life.
On the strange side at one point a woman walked by walking a black cat. It was fascinating seeing everyone's reaction one by one as the black cat passed by them.
The most metaphorically meaningful part of the trip was bodysurfing the last day at Hanalei Beach. The waves were decent size but not huge.
It was a part where I could physically let go into the indifference of the power of nature. When I relaxed and let my body be taken I noticed that in the turbulence of the waves, the intelligence and compassion of them brought me to safety.
They were simply doing their job.
Since I've gotten home I'm carefully paying attention to signs and signals. I am dreaming quite vividly.
Who knows what it all might mean?
In this time I'm at in my life I'm clear that I'm at a pivot where if I want to deeply trust and rely on God and my faith I can do it. The choice is mine.
During this time the number of people who have consistently and reliably told me that they are there for me is astonishing and brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you to all of you who love me with such unwavering ferocity. You're my dawgs....
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