Grieving My Dad's Death Over a Year Later

Next weekend a group of us are gathering for a memorial for my Dad and I’m IN THE FEELS and realized something meaningful about my grieving.

My Father died in early March 2020 right before COVID having suffered from dementia and its side effects that his body broke down.

It was super painful when he died but I took comfort that he was free from the difficulty of his daily existence.

I see that.

Now that we are having his memorial over a year later I don’t have that recency of freedom which provided me some gratitude that he was finally free of dementia.

Somehow that’s making this harder.

I know that.

During those last 4 years I had a purpose to show up in his life to be there for him and that was put to rest when he passed. This last year plus hasn’t included that.

And it’s like the loss of that recency of the painful existence and my small role being there for him puts my emotional attention to all that he was before he progressively slipped away until he totally slipped away and died.

For some reason that’s really disconcerting. I find myself wanting my Dad from before that in a way that feels almost selfish.

Like I want to talk to my Dad more about what’s happened over the last year. I know how I’ve grown too and I want to share that with him.

I think that.

And I want my daughter Zoe to see him too because she’s increasingly forgetting what he was and that really hurts. Like as she's growing up I want her to know my Dad.

I want that.

Even though I 100% know that there are things she loves in me that come directly from him.

I don’t know how to talk about this grief with friends who I deeply trust, who love me.

So, I more frequently find myself listening to music, feeling my Dad in the harmonies (which he loved) and letting the tears flow freely.

I know I’m not alone and somehow it feels really lonely.

I feel that.

I realize that there are people I love and care about who lost loved ones who, like me, still haven’t been able to memorialize them.

Or maybe they did but in a way that they wouldn’t have had we not been in these conditions. (And I don’t have it in me to have any convo about the worldwide conditions here.)

It’s this weird reality where grief feels like it has an expiration date or maybe SHOULD have an expiration date or process to it.

Yes, I was sort of honored to be there for him over those years. And I still can feel exactly what his soft, smooth hands felt like even as his body gnarled, the same ones that caressed my face and hands as a small child.

I miss that.

I’m still navigating how and when I can feel him. It’s unpredictable to a degree when I feel him.

It’s somewhat predictable when I’m feeling or thinking something where I’m getting to the “I wonder what he’d say to me” point.

I don’t question the how, why, where or even from what he died.

I find myself in deep, dark confusing hole thinking about the when. Like it’s an added complication that I hadn’t even anticipated until the memorial date finally approached.

This gap between his death and his memorial is an emotional riptide.

I question that.

I know that for some of you who have read this long some or most of this may not make sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me.

This heart of mine often finds itself in territory where things don’t make sense. It’s like an unleased dog chasing after birds but without the joy of the chase when my brain has let the leash go.

I’m bringing everything I have to it. I’m going to write a 2-3 minute speech that I hope to share at the event.

In the meantime, I’m going to let the emotions come back again even though I’d prefer they don’t. It’s almost like re-watching a movie and somehow now it has a new ending.

Thank goodness I’ve got a life vest to keep me from drowning in the rip tide.

I trust that.

Comments

[Chris Yeh]

Grief, however painful, serves a purpose. If we did not love, we would not grieve. And while we feel the loss, that pain also sharpens our focus on the importance and value of what we've lost. You can't shortcut grief, which is why you're feeling what you're feeling now. This trip and this memorial are an important part of this process, and I hope you keep sharing your feelings as you go through it.

[Tim Taylor]

Thanks Chris, thank you for reminding that grief has a purpose. In the middle of it it doesn't feel like that. And thank you for encouraging me to share about it as I go through it I hadn't thought of that either and will.