T-M-I from T-I-M

Reflections on a 50th Birthday

On Saturday night I had a celebration of life without having to die to experience it.  I had a 50^th birthday party was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.

There was a group of about 80 people who came/stayed/went throughout the evening from all random parts of my life and I’m proud to say I collect random people that all have one thing in common:  we live with heart.  My brother told me it’s like I have a bunch of comic book characters for friends…in a really good way, that makes perfect sense.

I was overwhelmed many times throughout the evening breaking down into tears of both the joy of how lucky I am and even some sorrow or pain that seemed to be stored in me that needed to come out.  The thing that holds me back about not feeling worthy or deserving of generosity and love was a dam that was simply unable to hold back the truth and the emotions that were there to flood me.

While I can’t remember it all and everyone here are a few random reflections on the evening:

In one of the strangest things I’ll never forget, I made sure to buy 50 masks for people who might want them.  It was the oddest adult goodie bag gift that I’ve ever experienced.

There was an elevator that opened directly into the party venue so it was like a stage curtain as person after person came in.  And the stairs to get up connected to a long hallway which felt like a runway of sorts to enter in.  It created a sense of excitement and wonder as person after person came in.

A couple friend of mine came in to town from Sacramento and I literally broke down in tears of joy.  The man is like another brother to me and it started what became a series of tear bursting moments. 

In either a miracle or maybe one of the signs of a benevolent apocalypse, Chris Yeh actually came to San Francisco to celebrate my birthday.  No reports of mass frogs or locusts in the street.

I yukked it up with my volleyball parent friends talking about how I should have had some Uncrustables (a volleyball staple addiction for me) in addition to the incredible spread of food.

My girlfirend’s young daughter was slinging non-alcoholic drinks to those that came to the bar.  The next morning she asked if we were going to have another party next year because she wanted “to be a bartender again”.  That joke has so many layers it’s hard to keep up with it.

I simultaneously introduced my mom to the man who saved my life (my sponsor) and the woman who changed my life (my life and relationship coach) Lori Jean Glass. 

My mom came in from South Carolina, my brother and his awesome girlfriend came in from Philly (on the way to LA) and my niece came in from Berkeley.  Add in my daughter, my girlfriend and her daughter and I was literally and willingly in the loving web of my cherished family. 

Somehow I increased my man crush on my hoops buddy Robert Avila and beyond rocked out with him and his girlfriend Maritza Mossberg who both were just DAGGERING people on the dance floor with their moves.

Mitchell Aidelbaum and I nearly got felonious on the dance floor to the song Been Caught Stealin’ by Jane’s Addiction.

I found out that my friend Gwendolyn’s middle name is freakin’ because when she hit the floor she became Gwendolyn FREAKIN’ Osborn!!

To nobody’s surprise, anyone who hugged me after the dance music started was fairly warned of the sweaty mess I had become. 

I invited my daughter’s mom, my ex wife to the party and it was one of the best decisions I made on the guest list.  She was and is an important part of my life.

The number of people who when they met my daughter said “I’ve heard so much about you” or the like was really powerful to witness.

The gifts I got (from the “There is a Way Out” sweatshirt from my main man James to the numerous coffee gift cards woo hoo!!! to the Life Magazine from when I was born to the original manuscript book of the Big Book and so many others) were beautiful and the sentiments on the cards were beyond generous.  I’ve got them stacked in a pile ready to call on them when I need the pick me up.

My incredible, gift from God girlfriend Rose Viggiano put together a video that was the emotional peak of the evening.  She had put all her love and God given gifts into creating a phenomenal video that included a series of “only Tim” type images and videos that captured my essence. 

In it, she included video messages from many of my friends from various parts of my life who spoke their truth about how they see me and what they love most about me.  The most common message was that I bring a freedom, laughter and full spirited living into life that they cherish.  And they also saw my nuanced, caring side to how I love which isn’t always seen either. 

These were people several of whom have stuck by me in my toughest of times and loved me through it.  Many of them couldn’t make it to the party and it felt like they were there when I saw them. 

The hardest part of the video was seeing old pictures of my Dad.  The party we had was a perfect opportunity for my friends to get the Bob Taylor experience.  They only got the energy from the pictures which brought me to deep, sad tears.

The end of the video where it transitioned into the Happy Birthday song compliments of the magnificent, merry, musical madman Richard Delameter. 

And when I was about to blow out the candles of my red velvet cake, I called my daughter up to help me blow them out.  I wanted her to be beside me when I blew the candles out in a way that would continue the lifelong amends to the most important person in my life. 

Ori joined in on the fun to blow the candles out.  And when, after blowing them out Zoe wrapped her arms around me and I hers and we shared a deep, tender, meaningful embrace that communicated more than any words could have.  (Tightened by Ori’s little arms wrapped around both of us.)

Rose also did basically all the work around the party.  She told me that she was going to let me do the planning….until I picked a place to start that she didn’t like.  Hahaha!

The thing is the setting she created, the video she set it all up in a way that recognizes me for who I am.  The video celebrated my magnificence when she knows at my deepest level I struggle thinking I’m not enough.  It was her way of loving me by telling me I’m not only enough, I’m more than enough for her to love. 

She sees me unlike anyone ever has and I trust her enough to let her see me.  It’s the result of a LOT of hard work in the name of staying in a connected intimate relationship.

What some, but not all of you, know is that not 10 years ago I turned 40 and this would NEVER have happened.  I was wandering in a dark world that many of us have inhabited but not many of us admit to.  I had nothing, literally.  I am not unique, but I did not expect to make it this long. 

What then, do I do?  What do I do now that I’ve turned 50 and God has given me a strong, clear reminder that I am loved?  That I am worthy?

I can choose to not believe the overwhelming evidence and shrink.  Or I can take this event, this gift as a foundation to stand upon and open my chest, heart and soul to the world and step into life knowing it’s true. 

Time will tell which way I go and I have a feeling I know which way I’ll go.

50 thoughts on turning 50

I decided to pen 50 random observations now that I'm turning 50.  Enjoy!

1. God gets a bad rap and it's not God's fault
2. At some point in my life I HAD to take responsibility for my emotional wounds and life irreversibly changed for the better when I did
3. Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs are making me think I may finally go to a Super Bowl
4. The way things are going, I’m happy that when I die people will celebrate my life not my death
5. Having a common relational language to speak with my girlfriend has been instrumental to our path of increased intimacy
6. I have GREAT hair…like REALLY great hair and I’m only now learning how to use it
7. I dance like EVERYBODY’s looking because I’m an AWESOME dancer
8. I’m committed to failing more after fifty (not falling I hope)
9. I wonder what day God created guacamole and when God did, did God say this isn’t good…it is FUCKING AWESOME
10. I’ve finally realized I’m a better student AND teacher when I listen
11. I’m least articulate when I’m most vulnerable
12. I hate cooking but love eating
13. The longer the topic of sex stays deep in the dark, the worse off we are
14. I’m so over outrage about not being outraged by the things many people deem outrage worthy.
15. If I hadn’t done deep work on my own issues, raising a teenager would be as difficult as so many people incorrectly say it is.
16. Social Media is nicotine, the mobile phone is the cigarette (yes, ironic that I’d post it here…take a deep breath in and…blow that shit out!)
17. Visionaries are starting incredible companies every day doing incredible things, over 20 years I’ve seen it just never stops
18. My daughter’s teen generation is more inclusive, empowered and media savvy than any generation before it. I don’t agree that they are lazy and entitled, I think that us parents are struggling to give them a roadmap to self actualize and act so they are making it up for themselves.
19. I will DAGGER you with my 3 point shot if you underestimate me, and you will increasingly given the way I look
20. Prayer is not the last refuge of the scoundrel it’s the first choice of the connected
21. I used to think family is a given, I’ve now realized it’s something that’s earned
22. Healthy behavior sometimes felt unhealthy because I didn’t know better
23. 50 felt REALLY old when I was 20, when I was full of hope for the future thinking the best days of my life were ahead of me. Little did I know it would include some of the darkest times and at 50 I still believe that some of my best days are in front of me but I feel even more certain of that now.
24. I used to think my job as a parent was to provide my daughter a better life materially mostly. I realize my job as a parent is to set her up to have a better life emotionally and spiritually and the material things will work themselves out. 
25. I’ve done seemingly interesting things in my career but the only people seem to REALLY care about is that I was a failure as a stand up comic for a couple years.
26. Twin Peaks Season 1 is the best TV Season 1 of my lifetime
27. I clearly see it now: Birkam, Daedone, Ranjeesh, Raniere they are the same people who all ran hustles disguised as setting people free but it was ultimately in service of ego and money.  And there are always people ready to be hustled.
28. It’s amazing how when I stop reacting to people and feeding that in them many of them just go away
29. I wonder if there’s a market for social media that actually teaches REAL relating
30. Victims who are committed to victimhood are tiring. People who don’t take responsible for doing real damage are even more tiring.
31. Real empowered people are people who don’t get pissed off at people who aren’t but don’t dump energy into them when they just won’t see they aren’t
32. I’m all for the recent wave of diversity and now I want to see results
33. Politicians are almost only interested in preserving their power
34. I’ve always walked slowly, now that I’m getting older I won’t have to worry about how I’ve “slowed down”, I’ve always walked like an older person
35. I don’t know how but I’m getting funnier as I get older (at least to me I am)
36. Reality TV not only crushes creativity it crushes souls (except the Great British Baking Show of course…)
37. I will write a book
38. That which I can’t do God can and God can do a LOT
39. Relationships take work
40. I am astonished at how many movies I LOVED growing up look like AWFUL lessons for how to treat each other (Sixteen Candles, Animal House, Fast Times)
41. I hate remakes but I wish they would remake Ordinary People
42. I wonder when we will be able to have a corrective, connected forward looking conversation about #metoo without people getting blazed if they offer up thoughts that in any way diverge from the accepted norm
43. Nuance is dead and I want to write its obituary
44. I think that when a man or woman dies who’s a jerk or constantly complains it should be called an obitchuary
45. If I could invent another word for love I would because it falls short of describing how I feel about my daugther
46. I wanted fake Cheetah skins short boots as a teenager. Back then I would have been beaten senseless for wearing them.  As a 50 year old I’d actually wear a pair of them and I think I could actually still pull it off.
47. I LOVE a capella music, is that a sign of getting old or just lame?
48. I wonder where Red Velvet deserts were when I was a kid
49. I’m going to tell even MORE people I love them now that I’m 50

One of the new people on the I love you list will be me.  (queue cheesy music and….fade out)