End Hopeless Relationships

I read this simple and powerful statement today and it feels worth sharing.  When I first heard it sounded like "giving up".  It also brought up some painful memories where people I've known in life may have done that with me. 

Yes, it's not hard to see that I'm hard on myself.

But looking at it more closely, it has some real merit.  At the Junto a few months ago, we talked about the idea of firing a friend.  I think the step before that is figuring out that the relationship is hopeless.

The clarity of this statement rang right through my soul as I considered a few relationships in my life right now that are hopeless.  (One of which has already ended.)

My definition of hopeless is that it continually brings negativity and conflict in my life in one way or another regardless of how skilled I am inside of the relationship.  It's about getting MY needs met in a relationship on a far more regular basis than.....rarely or never.

I understand that loving kindness is important but inner peace trumps that.  But it's always the question of when I should end it.

It gets trickier when it involves family (a brother or sister for example). 

I can also see where this approach would be almost impossible, with my daughter.  It's nowhere near hopeless but what would I do if at some point in the future it felt like it was? 

Comments

[Jackie]

If you can find it, I highly recommend Harold Boris's paper entitled "On Hope" in which he discusses the toxicity of hope.

Interestingly, I thought I had given up hope on my mother. I have not seen her for nearly 9 years. I have rejected her calls, deleted her voicemails unheard, deleted her emails unread, and felt very happy when she just stopped trying to reach me. This lasted for about five years.

Then, a few weeks ago, she called me. I let her talk, and she was being so nice. I found myself thinking, "Well, maybe she's changed." But, as I would have expected in a less astonished state of mind, she quickly turned into the mother I remembered all too well. Nasty, nasty stuff. Seeking to destroy. Reminding me that I'll always have to fight against my inherently (in her view) bad nature in order to fool people and create some semblance of a life for myself.

Then I realized I had not really given up hope before then. The call was a valuable reminder that, unless someone wants to change and works to change, they're not going to change. I have to deal with the reality of who she (and others) are, not who I wish they were.

[Tim Taylor]

JD,

That's powerful, thank you so much for sharing it.

Much Love,

TT

[Franziska]

I realised that you can make friends at work but you should never tell a friend about an opening for a job at the company you work for if you want to keep that friend. If anything goes wrong for your friend at work you will inevitably be put in the middle and in the worst case lose your friend. I am going through this right now and it sucks.