Why does it hurt?

I hurt Tracy (my former wife) emotionally, I know it.  She hurt me.  We hurt ourselves.  The time leading up to and the months (and even years) after our separation and ultimate divorce for me, included sadness (the kind that made my whole body tighten up at times), anger (the kind that made me say things that I never thought would come out of my mouth/heart/soul), happiness (the kind that made me think to myself everything's gonna be all right), etc.

I take responsibility for what happened where I thought I should as well as in places where I thought (at the time) shouldn't.  In short it was painful.  I was meant to go through it. 

I don't think that the pain "made me stronger".  I don't compare it to others' pain (meaning "yeah, it hurts, but think of those poor kids in (fill in the blank with the latest reported super poor country that the US chooses to ignore because they don't have oil).  I don't think it's "how relationships go".

I know it was painful.  There were infinite layers of issues, emotions and even involved my darling Zoe.

So, riddle me this:  Why does it hurt when there is, virtually (apparently), nothing at stake?

I met a woman and spent just a few days with her.  She was interesting, articulate, funny, has a 2 1/2 year old boy, was only visiting for a few days (SF....not me).  We enjoyed each other's company.  We didn't....."do" anything....is that what people call it?  At most we held hands and had our arms around each other (except I guess when we danced....).

She had a few things about her (In addition to the fact that she didn't live here) that were clear signals that she wasn't a fit for me, in fact we talked about them.  We had a disagreeement and that was that, she's gone.

Yes, I understand that the signals said no, we even talked about them.  Yes, if it takes one disagreement to put it to sleep it's not Dr. Phil's couple of the day material. 

But it hurts now that she's gone (I probalby would have spent time with her this weekend, but not anymore).   I told her, as we walked up to the grocery store when we were hanging out that she was the first woman since Tracy that I really enjoyed spending time with.  I told her that I was attracted to her but I didn't feel any pressure or urgency to have a physical encounter, holding hands and the like felt great. 

Inside of that, I felt like I was present when I was with her (partially because I knew that she would never live here so I wanted to drink it in).

Now that I'm typing this, I realize the power and beauty of that being presented to me.  I'm not "thankful" that I got this presentation and it makes the hurt fell "all better".

Rather, perhaps it is a reminder to me that if I shift my perspective, I will find peace.  You know what?.......it still hurts.

Comments

[Naomi]

Aw, I am sorry about this. I feel you though... you're such a good writer and able to convey feeling so well. Thank you for sharing your pain...

[Tim Taylor]

You're welcome Naomi, thank you for your warm and loving intention.