I was reading a book in front of a cafe that I hang at in SF when someone who I know fairly well sat down to chat. I asked him how his wife was doing. (I've never met her, but knew he was married.) Well, the next 45 minutes was a gift for me in compassionate listening as he and his wife had separated recently. I don't know everything about his situation but I do know that there were an awful lot of "right thing to do" type comments shared with me.
I understand that separation is volatile emotionally and it is a challenge to stay true to a path free of judgement. In fact, listening to his story, it was challenging for me to simply be with him, rather than agree or even suggest things like "well when I went through it...".
One thing that I realized was if I suggest a right, then by definition there is a "wrong". And wrongs-ville is a city within the state of judgement. (So is badstown and shame city, etc.) I'll admit that living inside of a world where there is no right or wrong feels a little disconcerting at times. I guess it has something to do with how long its been since I lived like that....like when I was an infant.
Finally, it's always curious for me to consider what he may have taken from our conversation, if anything. I think I wonder most whether or not he feels that I wasn't judging him or anyone else involve, simply trying to understand (at least that's where I THINK I was coming from....).
My struggle on this is when someone is sharing something and I have an opinion I want to share. I know that I may not have the opportunity in the future to share my thoughts . Sometimes I will share it, even if not asked, if I think it's important. I wonder what's more helpful -- my advice, or my listening.
(p.s. eamiling back responses to blog comments as well asp osting them on your site is helpful! THanks buddy!)
Posted by: Ben Casnocha | July 03, 2006 at 01:10 PM
Ben,
Thank you for your note. I will email this as well. I understand your perspective.
What I contemplate is what motivates me to want to share my opinion? Do I believe that it will provide them comfort or even a solution?
Sometimes it does, but for me at least, always it seems to be my ego that is the catalyst.
Posted by: Tim Taylor | July 03, 2006 at 01:17 PM