T-M-I from T-I-M

Dumb People Town (pod) Live (Sklar Brothers and Daniel Van Kirk)

Live pod of "Dumb People Town" comedy show review:

TL;DR: Seeing DPT live with the Sklar Brothers and Daniel Van Kirk was a wild and totally fun ride.

The Sunday night my friend Cynthia and I saw a live performance of the podcast Dumb People Town (DPT) at Cobb’s Comedy Club in SF. It’s my favorite comedy pod I listen to.

It’s hosted by Jason & Randy Sklar (the Sklar Brothers, who are twins) and Daniel Van Kirk (DVK, who if he has a twin he/she may be properly estranged from his life, ha!).

The Sklar Brothers are a hilarious comedy duo that I first learned about on Jim Rome’s radio show of all places. They are consummate workers in the industry and have been in a ton of different things.

My #1 is a show called Cheap Seats on ESPN which is a lesser known (but no way should be) show where they watch old Wide World of Sports, Battle of the Network Stars and other weird sports. Kinda like Mystery Science Theater, they make hilarious comments on what’s shown.

I'm actually not sure which show came first.

I’ve seen comedy specials and they have an unmistakable rhythm. I’m guessing some of it is practiced but some of it has to be in the moment.

Cynthia said, after the show, she loves hearing their stories about starting comedy because they are both are so at ease up there. Jason (I think I can call him Jason…) said “that’s the result of 35 years of comedy).

Interestingly I really noticed how different from one another they are it was really clear on stage. They have similar roots in their humor and have different branches and leaves at times when they perform.

I was introduced to DVK on the DPT pod.

Daniel Van Kirk is sort of the straight man on the show, often reading the stories. He’s also an exceptional improv comic. He used to be a bouncer at a bar in the Midwest and easily calls on that during the riffs.

I’d definitely go see a show of his if it came to SF. His dry humor of @sklarbrothers when they tell a groaner joke always makes me happy.

The premise of the pod is simple, they read recent news articles about people being…dumb. Then the three of them riff (along with a guest on the show) about these stories. The three of them work perfectly together.

Personally, I think the lesser-known comics for some reason tend to be more hilarious than some of the really big names in comedy.

My all time favorite is an episode with Michael Ian Black about someone who purchased a machete sex fantasy and the “providers” went to the wrong house.

I’ve listened 20 times and sent to more people than I count.
The pod is improv comedy at its very best.

Last night Kyle Kinane (who I’ve heard of but never seen) and Robby Hoffman (who I’ve never heard of or ever seen) were guests.

Kyle Kinane had a sort of weird (maybe creepy) buddha/uncle vibe throughout that show that worked great, he was really funny.

There was a point where they wondered who a glam rock band is and he kept spitting out names as the content moved forward that really worked.

It was actually quite cool that at one point he was riffing and it was going nowhere and he admitted it was awful.

There was a point where we got to orifice entry and stuck stories of all orifices he was humorously flabbergasted that we passed on a stack of staples as it was “ok that’s normal”.

Robby Hoffman was good. She definitely had the New York Jewish vibe down and had a couple of good lines. She wasn’t quite as impactful and at times, I thought, broke the flow of the improv a few times.

The joy for me was seeing the Sklar Brothers and DVK interact. The years doing the podcast was obvious. They know how to vibe off of each other.

One fascinating fact to see live was they knew how to pause for each other. It was super cool to see the Sklar Brothers on either side of the group signaling they were about to say something by holding their mics towards their mouths.

The best way for me to describe the Sklar Brothers approach along with DVK is presence. When they are aware and present their lines were fantastic.

As a local stand up comic myself, it’s so instructive and inspiring to see how legit pros practice the craft.

The two main stories were both great material:

One about a couple that was arrested for doing a sex “act” in a line at Cedar Point (give it up for my midwestern crew!).

It included Kinane’s best contribution of the night when he pointed to the oddness of the word “act”.

They showed the pics of the two “criminals” and they went into the crowd for guesses after they did. I guessed 23 and DVK did a hilarious take about Michael Jordan. I was way off, they were much older.

The second one was about a woman who was scammed into sending money to a person who was “posing” as a glam rock lead singer. The scammer pretended to be Bret Michaels ( think).

And, of course, the police report included a “in the know” quote from the police saying “…every rose has its thorns…”. The riffs on the glam rock band as they tried to figure out examples, was excellent.

The final part was a series of things people got stuck into various orifices. It was pretty good.

They also did a bit finding stories on the days of each of their birthdays with “Florida man” stories. The funniest about a man who was arrested because specks of glaze from a doughnut on his car floor looked like crystal meth.

Randy Sklar did a hilarious karaoke cover of Gregory Abbot’s (yes THAT Gregory Abbot) “Shake you Down” because it was the first karaoke song he sang when DJ Eva (the special guest) played it for them.

I’ve listened to pods when they have cool musicians on it which isn’t my cup of tea. I want to hear the actual song I love so much.

A weird very fun twist is DJ Eva brought a bell to ring when people said really good or weird jokes. 90% of the time it was right on but it was hard to keep up given the pace of the show.

There was something really special about seeing the Sklar Brothers in particular in person. They were huskier than I thought (weird I know).

Randy looked like he was either Judd Hirsch in the sequel to Ordinary People or a not quite lead singer but definitely a member of a John Denver cover band (see pic with that sweater… and I also noticed we took like 10 pics in a row and Randy never smiled, maybe the weight of the mustache?)

DPT was a staple for me getting through the pandemic. And while I didn’t tell them it’s true for me when I got each week’s new pod I would cry when the theme song came on.

It was sort of out of joy as much as it was about the loss of something during that time.

It also was about the certainty of a really fun experience for the entirety of the podcast where I could completely turn off that tenuous time and just lean back and enjoy.

When we met all three of them, they couldn’t have been more gracious and grateful. They were so happy to take a picture with us and gave both of us quality, attentive time to chat as a big line went by.

I’ve seen a lot of comics and the three of them seem to legitimately care about their fans. In fact when anyone from the audience chipped in they asked for our name and said “Welcome to Town” which I thought was cool.

I learned in a show like that it’s really hard to keep up with the jokes. They are rapid fire. They are professionals and know how to not step on laughter in their performances but it was hard not to in this context.

The jokes would sort of roll through the room and the laughs were often loud so it was hard to tell where exactly they start.

I saw Whose Line is it Anyway live and that was improv for sure which was funny. That improv was like listening to a pod on ½ speed while DPT was like listening on 2x.

The crowd experience was unlike any I've experienced. The closest I can come to describing it is it was a comedic version of Song 2 by Blur when I saw them in concert.

It was like we were in a comedic mosh pit as the lines kept coming at us keeping us spinning in laughter.

Although somehow all of us followed along. I’ve never been legitimately tired out physically and wrung out from laughter.

Cynthia and I bought tix like 2-3 months ago, I’ve known her for almost 20 years. She’s a perfect partner to go to these events. We both laugh uproariously and are genuinely in the moment. It makes it really special to share those moments.

I knew the show would be fabulous and I got more than I ever expected. I’m so glad we said YES!

Movie review: The Banshees of Inisherin

Movie review: The Banshees of Inisherin

TL;DR: The Banshees of Inisherin is a warm movie which explores the volcanic fire of the life defining fork in the road of the familiar vs the unknown.

I read this won best film at the Golden Globes. I knew nothing else about it other than Colin Farrell was in it who I generally like.

Thank goodness based on those two pieces of info I watched it.

The movie is about the struggle of whether to stay with the familiar in life. It’s done in the context of a town so small that I actually felt claustrophobia at times. It was as if there was no escaping any of it because they all saw and knew each other.

The script and movie roll out like a comfortable blanket with thorns.

It’s somehow both overt and subtle. There are scenes devoted to a character walking a road from home to the pub etc.

It felt freeing as it gave me some time to consider how the story was playing out.

The plotline centers on a broken friendship revealed very early in the movie.

Colin Farrell (Padraic) and Brendan Gleason (Colm), who as also the Sheriff in Gangs of New York) were long time friends who visited the pub daily. One day Colm no longer wants to go or be friends because he realized Padraic was in his words “boring”.

Farrell and Gleason were fabulous in In Bruges in which they have a natural chemistry which continues here.

The entire arc with all of the sub-stories is powerful. It’s a study in the friction between keeping things as they are and growing and/or moving on.

Colm is distressed and inspired that he hasn’t really explored life, the arts, risk taking, etc. Padraic doesn’t fit.

It’s so evocative as they both struggle with it, each pulling their own way. Padraic yearns for kindness, Colm yearns for freedom.

As the movie progresses Padraic keeps trying and without spoiling it Colm gets increasingly strident about ending the friendship (including a pretty gnarly act).

Padraic gets increasingly desperate to change that. The more he tries the worse it gets.

I’ve never seen a movie where eyebrows could be so expressive. I’m not sure if they were his but Farrell uses his eyebrows to communicate a range of emotions I’ve never seen before.

In contrast Gleason is almost non plussed by his certainty that he was doing the right thing and his expressions and body showed it.

Their conflict culminates with a series of events that are brilliant and painful. It’s puts SO much of the movie together that I almost couldn’t keep up, despite the comfortable pace of the movie.

Two other characters were quite compelling (aside from Jenny the donkey):

Padraic’s sister Siobhan, played by Kerry Condon (who is in a bunch of stuff I’ve seen but I don’t remember her) is fabulous. She is compelling as a straight talking, reliable woman who is emotionally cut deeply by an unexpected source in the movie.

It puts her square in the face of a similar decision to stay the same or move out and on. Her chemistry with Farrell is special.

Dominic (played by Barry Keoghan) is a disabled in some way friend who is also a straight talking character refusing to not say what he thought. His arc of staying the same vs changing is unexpected at a minimum. His father is physically abusive with disastrous consequences.

When the Dad realizes it, again the script and movie is both subtle and powerfully overt.

This small town lives safely distant from an ongoing war which is a perfect analogy for what the characters seem to struggle with.

For anyone reading this who, like me, is in the struggle of doing the familiar vs the meaningful, with its attendant risks, this film will get to your heart and soul.

The movie’s portrayal of the difficulty of that outer conflict expressed my inner conflict.

Given these last few points the magnificence of the movie’s beauty is rooted in both the script and the on screen chemistry between Gleason and Farrell.

The gentle pace of the script and the beauty of the landscape leverages that chemistry in a deep and impactful way.

It’s fascinating and meaningful to me that the film will not have a sequel but its impact on me will go far beyond the movie.

Review: Wednesday on Netflix

I watched the Netflix series Wednesday over the weekend and it’s fantastic.

TL;DR (and this is long!): Wednesday is a compelling, fun series touching on crucial dy 
namics of teenagers. For any dads of daughters, I suggest watching it (I bet your daughters already have).

Wednesday Addams (played by the magnificent Jenna Ortega) goes to a school of outcasts and even in that school SHE is an outcast.

Her character has an unwavering commitment to truth and is unafraid to speak about what she believes.

Ortega is special because she plays the character’s commitment perfectly (along with her dark sense of humor). She also plays the moments when Wednesday is vulnerable.

A friend in the show says she admires that Wednesday doesn’t seem to care about what others think. She responds beautifully “Maybe I should care more”.

What makes her so compelling is her facial expressions which emote the complexity of who Wednesday is. It made me feel like I felt her and resonated with her emotionally.

Wednesday commits herself to solving a series of crimes committed by a “monster”. The series has that attractive trait that at one point I think I know who is guilty, only to think it is someone else.

The outcast school has teenage boys and girls all of whom have some kind of special power that allows them to transform or activate that power. That TOTALLY feeds my nerdy Dungeon and Dragons side.

I’m not surprised that the writers/creators of the show also created the series The Shannara Chronicles (based on Terry Brooks magnificent series of books starting with The Sword of Shannara (a lighter version of the Hobbit). I read all of his books like 5 times when I was a kid).

The outcasts’ school is adjacent to a town of “normal” people with complicated pasts.

The writing in the show is exceptional. I love how it both portrays the outcast social dynamics of young men and women. And I love how the show handles Wednesday’s transition from outcast to accepted.

I also love how the writing delves into the tension between the outcasts and the normal teenagers in town. It’s an innovative way to portray Wednesday as an outcast among outcasts at school then an outcast as part of the outcasts in the town.

One thing I didn’t expect which I loved was how the show explored parental tension with the kids (both at the school and in the town). It explores things like:

How to handle parents who want be or do something like them when the children want to blaze their own path
How parents try to control who their children hang out with regardless of their desires
And, most importantly, moments where the teenagers stand up to their parents

Wednesday has a roommate that is the exact opposite of her. Enid (played by Emma Myers) is a bright, bubbly, colorful young woman who works really hard to connect with Wednesday.

Myers is wonderful in how her face and demeanor emotes her happy go lucky self.

The show, directed by Tim Burton, shows their shared dorm room. One half is super colorful for Enid and the other half is dark for Wednesday.

Enid is a werewolf who hasn’t “wolfed out” yet, meaning she hasn’t transformed ever fully. Her conflict with her parents is really compelling. Enid felt stressed that she hadn’t wolfed out and therefore was a disappointment to her parents.

On “Parents Day” at Nevermore (the school) her mom puts a lot of pressure for her to wolf out, creating conflict. Her father is silent until the very end of the visit.

After Enid stands up to her mom who leaves, she has moment with her Dad. He said to her:

“I’m proud of you kiddo. You do you”

Yep, I cried at that point. Nothing like a good father daughter moment.

While Enid was a seemingly unwavering cheerleader for Wednesday I really liked how at one point she draws a boundary and leaves her temporarily. When Enid admits why to Wednesday (standing up to her) it’s a powerful emotional moment.

I LOVED how the script deftly portrays that when Enid finally stopped worrying about what other people thought (maybe from Wednesday) she wolfed out.

There is quite a bit of chatter online that it’s meant to be a comp to “coming out”. That may be partially or even fully true. I think it’s broader than that (while still including that).

It feels weird to say this but Thing (a severed hand) is the next most compelling character. The way Thing communicates and reacts to Wednesday is so fun and sweet.
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Thing seems to be the one character who can call Wednesday out (although others eventually do).

Among the other actors I liked Catherine Zeta Jones as her mom. I LOVED (and was a bit surprised by) that Luis Guzman played her dad. He’s one of those actors that I get excited for when he’s in the show (after just having seen him in Shameless!).

Fred Armisen did a GREAT job playing Uncle Festus. Christina Ricci was meh as a the only normie teacher at the school.

In general, all of the other performances were suitable but not outstanding.

One last thing. In one episode Wednesday dances to the song Goo Goo Muck by the Cramps. It is transcendent. It surpassed Pulp Fiction’s dance scene for me.

Once again Ortega feels it fully and lets it rip while dancing.

For any Dads out there a huge percentage of girls/teen girls are probably watching this series. (my daughter is) It’s worth watching because it’s entertaining and compelling.

It’s a must see because it’s a great look into social dynamics of boys and girls and a GREAT platform to talk about the show with your daughter.

#wednesdayaddams #wednesday #wednesdaydance 

The White Lotus Season 2 Review

TL;DR: Season 2 was excellent in some ways but not as spectacular as Season 1. It is worth a watch.

White Lotus S2 was excellent but not as fantastic as S1.

I preferred what S1 explored (class and generational differences) and S2 (same or opposite sex relationships, family wounds).

S1 included both Steve Zahn and Connie Britton who I LOVE. And the hotel manager in S1 was beyond fascinating.

That being said:

Michael Imperioli (Dominic Degrasso) and Aubrey Plaza (Harper Spiler)were the clear winners for me. I wish I could have hooked up an IV and just taken their performances straight to my veins.

Imperioli's (Christopher in The Sopranos) performance as Dominic a son, father and husband with no integrity or morals in his relationships with women was subtle and riveting. I loved how he emoted the range of indifference, angst, regret etc with his cheating on and disregard for his wife and family.

The honesty between him and his Dad around their infidelity was fascinating.

Plaza as Harper who is a married woman with a disconnected but seemingly connected relationship was moving. The writing around what real “honesty is in a relationship was superbly portrayed.

Yes at times I thought there was similarities between her behavior and April’s on Parks and Rec and it just may be a gift or hers. The way she carries unvarnished truth telling and non-verbal exasperation and judgement is so easy to connect with.

Her husband, Ethan (played by Wil Sharpe who I've never seen before) was interesting to a certain extent.

The fact that he was uber rich from selling his company and that was his opportunity to alpha dog his friend Cameron wasn’t explained enough.

By far the most compelling part of his character was how the wounds of Cameron taking women he liked from him over the years of his relationship.

The fiery rage that found its way out of Ethan was such a great way to portray how long held frustrations find their way out into relationships.

I really liked the story line of Albi (Dominic’s son) and Portia (a rich woman’s assistant) was fascinating to see how they first met and where their arcs developed.

After meeting they each pursued other relationships that were more exciting (Portia’s for excitement, Albi’s for retribution) and how they ended up was interesting writing even if the characters were semi-compelling.

The show included a storyline of a woman who is essentially a closeted lesbian named Valentina. The way she emoted the uncertainty and vulnerability of getting into an intimate relationship with a woman at her age was fascinating.

She had never been with a woman until she was with Mia (one of a pair of two prostitutes) was ok but I don’t think it added much to the storyline since it was mostly sexual.

The subtle way they portrayed the messiness by Valentina’s post sex messy hairdo really worked.

The only carryover from last season to get all season screentime was Tanya (Jennifer Cooldge…yes Stiffler’s mom) annoyed me the whole time.

And I wonder if the part was written to annoy the audience. Her neediness and lack of perspective was so frustrating. Perhaps that was a win from the writer’s perspective.

I thought they overplayed Italy. I got tired of the shots of the cities, etc. The only nature part I really enjoyed was the crashing waves which I thought worked perfectly.

I did think the hotel worked well particularly given the variety of the settings it had. I thought the ornate villas/homes were not interesting. It felt like the show was working too hard to create a contextual setting that meant something that I couldn’t understand.

The storyline of the grandfather/father/son visiting the town the family is from was lame. It did not move the story forward when they met their apparent relatives.

While it became predictable, Albi getting swindled was a cool twist. I liked in particular because as part of getting the money to free Mia (the other of the two prostitutes) Albi all but sold himself out and still got burned.

The final episode was good but not great. It did solve the very first scene where Daphne is swimming and runs into a dead body. But it felt like the writers were trying to recreate the unparalleled excitement of the plot twist in Season 1 and it almost felt unnecessary.

Topic 5: How the Divine Feminine has many masks

Topic 5 of several: How talking to a trusted friend opened my mind and heart

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

TL;DR: I felt the magnificence of the Divine Feminine while sharing my story with a friend.

A very close friend of mine took me back and forth from the Nov 14 healing ceremony. I’ve known, loved and trusted this friend for over 10 years.

We had lunch together on Nov 18 because I wanted to tell my friend more about the experience.

My friend looked me in the eyes, patiently and lovingly listened to me as I meandered around the experience and its impact. My friend rarely interrupted except to ask me to tell me more or say “wow that must have been challenging”.

Not once did my friend try to create a strategy or solution going forward.

Not once did my friend invalidate any emotion I was going through.

Not once during the lunch did my friend start talking about what was going on in life.

My friend held the emotional space I needed to talk about how this had impacted me in so many ways. I felt seen and my heart felt held.

My friend embodied the Divine Feminine.

The twist is my friend is a man.

Rob and I have a relationship based on genuine care for each other. We have both experienced this listening experience in our friendship.

Part of my healing is learning to be held by the Divine Feminine.

It’s sort of ironic that to experience it with a man was how it flowed through.

Topic 4: Why I no longer weep at songs that remind me of a young Zoe

Topic 4 of several: How I stopped repeatedly weeping at the same songs

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

There are certain songs I listened to when Zoe was very young. Over the last 5 years in particular when I would listen to those songs, I would cry…. like EVERY time.

The songs include:

Make You Feel My Love (acapella version)
Daughters by John Mayer
Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson

I’d listen to them connect back to when she was young and I was in the darkest days of my addiction. My tears flowed because of the regret for what I was during those years.

The last two songs in Shawshank Redemption (So Was Red and End Title) in particular were really painful.

When Zoe was a baby, we traveled on an airplane to Virginia. She was fussy, I was admittedly a bit high. That being said, I took her in my arms and she rested on my chest.

I walked up and down the aisle of the plane comforting her by humming those songs from Shawshank Redemption as she calmed down and fell asleep in my arms. It was a tender, loving moment that I chose to look at with regret.

I have been listening to all those songs in the last week and a half there are not tears of regret. I’ve forgiven myself for who I was then.

When I shed a tear listening to them it’s purely from how beautiful the songs are.

There’s a legitimate difference between tears of shame and regret and tears of the joy of the beauty of music. Now I know the difference and that I’m healed.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

54 things I think at 54

Every year I do a list of things I think on my birthday. I've been swamped and I finally got to it. Enjoy!

54 thoughts on my 54th birthday

1. I’m a playwright because I wrote a play
2. Since the Chiefs won the Super Bowl I’m so laid back….until I watch the Chiefs on TV
3. Unwillingness to listen openly to another pov is crushing us. Sometimes I think it’s not a matter of willingness, it’s matter of capacity to do so.
4. Redemptive stories work…every time
5. We are still in the golden age of television, the courageous and unapologetic writing is remarkable it’s given us The Bear, Abbott Elementary, The Old Man and many more
6. Everything, Everywhere, All at Once is the best Mother Daughter film I’ve ever seen
7. I can’t find a cologne that really works for me, I’ve been wandering confused since I can no longer by Tiffany sport cologne
8. Self forgiveness is incomparable to any other skill I have for myself and it only worked for me when I was ready, not before
9. I’m the age today that my parents were when they called me to tell me my brother was found at the bottom of a ravine near a cliff
10. I’m certain Leave it All to Me from iCarly will once again be a top 10 song listened to on Spotify for me
11. I can’t believe I’m still hooping at 54
12. Family is family and a recurrent bad dream at times
13. I see I’m letting Zoe run her life unless she wants my help
14. My relationship with God has never been stronger
15. Getting laid off is a total bummer
16. Working in the wine industry for 10 years was a total bummer
17. It’s not who I trust, it’s how I trust
18. Football is the peak of live theater
19. Doing comedy is fun
20. Writing and performing plays is my calling
21. The Father Daughter Dance can be a really successful brand
22. Jerrod Carmichael’s Rothaniel and Sam Morril’s Same Time Tomorrow are beyond superb stand up comedy viewing
23. I’m going to see Louis CK next year and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it, he’s hilarious
24. Cancel culture is as damaging as the mistaken “patriot” designation
25. Having 10 high schooll guy friends still in my life and 25 college guy friends in my life is awesome
26. It’s disheartening we all have said for decades teachers are underpaid and nobody has solved it
27. San Francisco is still the perfect city for me
28. The mistaken widespread belief about our city is the equivalent of what I thought about Egypt before I went and what I was like when I did
29. Mental Health is a global imperative
30. They did the best they can should be context not an excuse and there’s FAR more nuance than that blanket statement
31. I’m confused by how much my daughter loves cats
32. This world is not in the hands of my age, it’s in the hands of the young people
33. “And these children that you spit on while you try to change the world” by Bowie still rings true today
34. Pre op Trans women are the most overtly emotionally and physically discriminated against today
35. I LOVE that I have a skin care regimen and I hope more guys do it
36. Learning something new every day has opened my world
37. I’m finally reconnected fully with my curious, creative and imaginative young child/adolescent
38. Irrational risks are sometimes worth taking
39. There’s no such thing as a normal person
40. New Age is a horrible term for expansive spiritual thought/art, who came up with that?
41. I want us to preserve nature and I have no interest in being in it
42. The closest I come to camping is asking for an extra fern in my hotel suite
43. Science is expansive which means what’s understood today could be different than tomorrow
44. I’m so proud of me doing a second season of my podcast
45. Every issue with social media have been issues for centuries
46. I don’t care one bit of Twitter implodes, I kind of want it to
47. My text typing skills have eroded dramatically
48. I hate that I have to auto correct ducking so often
49. Sex HAS to come out of the dark
50. I judge a person by who they are in the world if they happen to have different perspectives so it is
51. I deserve a reality show
52. I already have my next one person play ready to start writing
53. The “love yourself” narrative is destructive
54. I’m happier and more peaceful than I ever have been in my life

Topic 3: How popcorn and coke set me free

Topic 3 of several: How popcorn and coke set me free

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

One of the intentions I set going into the healing experience was to understand why I drink soda (or pop if you’re from my hometown). I drank at least one sometimes two mini-cans a day.

I often said there are certain foods like sushi, pizza, burritos and honestly a ton of other ones that I had to have a coke with. That salty and sugar combination somehow really comforted me.

I rarely drank a coke without something salty with it.

November 14, I discovered why.

Every Saturday night when I was growing up, my Dad would take out this cruddy (and probably lead based!) pot and put it on the stove top to make popcorn.

He put the kernels in and oil to cover them. Microwave and air popping popcorn were just a dream.

He’d move the pot back and forth and it made an unmistakable sound. It was like metal on metal. A few minutes later I could hear the first few kernels pop then a rapid succession of many more.

On those Friday nights each of the 5 sons were allowed to drink one Coke.

We’d sit together as a family and watch, usually, Love Boat and Fantasy Island (if I could stay awake).

It was one of the times where I felt completely safe with all the members of my family. My parents were there to monitor what was going on amongst the brothers. I didn’t feel scared.

I realize that I drink Coke with salty foods because I was unconsciously reaching back for that elusive feeling of safety.

Now I find safety in my own company and others I let in.

Having felt that, I have not had a soda since last Tuesday and I don’t miss it at all.

Such a strange twist that popcorn and coke freed me from coke.

 

5Nate Pagel, Tara Marie Ho and 3 others

 

How I trust or distrust women

Topic 2 of several: How I trust (or don’t trust) women

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

This is not an easy one to write about.

It came through crystal clear that my wounded inner child who I wrote about in my first post felt in danger and scared much of the time I grew up into adolescence. My mom was the most prominent female figure in my life (and in some ways still is when I let her).

 

My mom did an awful lot of things right bringing me and my brothers up. And I saw clearly during the experience her temper both screaming at me and occasionally swatting my lip with the back of her hand that had the engagement ring on it for real or perceived transgressions.

I know she loves and loved me and I finally see that it’s impacted the way I relate to women in many cases.

I have a ton of women friends. I have maybe 4-5 (3 I’ve known for over 35 years) that I know I can deeply trust with the deepest and darkest parts of me.

I have exceptional skills as a man in how I listen to and hold space for women when they share with me. I am emotionally fluent. Women (and men at times too) eagerly appreciate what I offer.

I used to do it so they would like me.

I finally realized that over the last many years I’ve done it so I can protect my fear of the feminine based on my experiences as a very young child. I feel in control in some way.

I don’t think it’s nefariously controlling them, it’s a form of control that I don’t have to open up and I feel safe which may not be nefarious but it's not very healthy.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit and I bring that skill hoping that at times women will appreciate what I give while simultaneously not really sharing about myself. I’m protected and I have the relationship.

I’ve had 3 examples in the last two years where women who have opened up to me have hurt me. The pattern is, I open the space many times until I feel that I can finally open up to them.

I usually open up quickly and deeply (like SO many women (and men) do with me. Even before these 3 women I’ve had women exit or were shown the door out of my life when I told them what is deep inside me.

It re-opens my childhood wound that when I really need help and compassion, I don’t get that. I made mistakes early in life and usually got punished.

And I know that at some level I’m hurting women when I retract my attention and while at some level it’s healthy on another level it’s punitive.

There are some women (and men) who demonstrate that they are not healthy to be in my life. The others may or may not have the skills and they make a mistake which is not a punishable offense.

It’s a very difficult thing to admit as I’m raising my daughter.

I believe in sound boundaries with women (and men). And my execution of that has in the past with women been in the form of retribution if when it comes time for me, she doesn’t show up.

Or I draw the the boundary by staying safe and listening to them while never really opening up

.

My realization of this behavior was part of my self forgiveness. I realize I did this and it’s not a brutally self-punishable offense.

Upon reflection I’ve learned five things:

First me to develop a healthy relationship is to first feel my intuition and my body about who I should let in.

Second a relationship is reciprocal but not contractual. It helps to talk about what I’m going through so we can develop meaningful intimacy inside our connection (friends or otherwise).

Third share early although maybe not everything at first, build that trust.

Fourth if the reciprocity isn’t evident have a conversation around it and if there’s not a meeting of the hearts, she is in a group of people I like but will remain mostly cordial with or they leave my life without rancor.

Fifth if the reciprocity is evident and we keep learning to trust that when the unavoidable mistake happens by either of us the trust built in the relationship can hold the discussion after it.

I will learn going forward to trust discerningly and to recognize when I don’t trust and act accordingly.

How I finally forgave myself

Monday Nov 14, I had a transcendent healing experience after Nov 11 & 12 performing my play The Father Daughter Dance.

I'm going to write several pieces about that healing experience and tie it to the play where relevant.

TL;DR: I finally forgave myself by hacking myself to find the blocks and feel them.

Entry 1: How I forgave myself

I have been sober 11 ½ years. When I was deep in my addiction I did things, particularly with Zoe that felt unforgiveable.

For most of my life I held a deep seated resentment towards my parents and my brother Jeff. I realized that part of that ongoing anger was directed at myself. How could I? WHY is it still there?

Well meaning, loving and trusted friends in my life were at times confounded why I wouldn’t let myself off the hook.

I had a therapist tell me “Just let it go” with nothing else which was not helpful.

There’s a popular idea: “Act as if”. So I was meant to act as if I forgave myself even though I hadn’t.

It felt inauthentic even why I tried it, it didn’t land. It felt like when a friend says the words I’m sorry and I don’t feel it in my body.

It’s not that I’m blocking it, it’s that my body doesn’t feel it.

My body is the ultimate truth teller.

When I performed my play this weekend I publicly told the intimate details of my redemptive arc. I took the attendees to the depths of my addiction and sickness.

I ended the play by sharing how Zoe sees and feels me now in her honest and courageous way.

 

When I emerged to the bar where and saw everyone else, I could FEEL their bodies in my body. It was unmistakable that the what is now is not just a sign of my arc emotionally and relationally now compared to how that and I was then.

 

Many, many times I’ve said “I know I’m a different dad today” “I know I was sick then” and so much more but it couldn’t get to my essence of blocking self forgiveness.

 

The play was a first step getting to self forgiveness. I could feel it as I talked to people afterwards.

 

And self-forgiveness isn't full to me by warming the ice of an instance or even a single relationship.

And yet finding self forgiveness with Zoe was a HUGE step.

 

I participated in a personal, deep healing ceremony unlike anything I have ever done before. The ceremony hacked the part of me that was blocking my self forgiveness.

 

I thought it was my mind.

 

Turns out it was my heart.

 

In the ceremony, I found large black tightly held boxes of grief I’ve never expressed or even been aware of. The unaddressed wells of grief were what protected me from feeling my inner child who was so wounded and scared.

He was wounded so badly that any other part of me was in service to fiercely and constantly defending that little boy.

In the experience I cried deeper, harder, longer and more freely than I ever have. The black boxes were poked open and the raging river of emotions broke free and flowed.

FOR YEARS I’ve said to myself I don’t know why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t see it I don’t know why.

This healing experience all but hacked those comfortable but unhealthy defenses and got to the source, to my inner child.

And when the river subsided I was metaphorically, emotionally and safely at a river bed of calm. I viscerally experienced warmth, safety and clarity.

More than anything else when that little boy looked up from the river the first thing he and I both noticed was the sunrise.

The colors of warm orange, pink and yellow shone down upon us.

That sunrise was when I said to myself “I forgive you.”

My healthy, loving caring adult took my inner child, my angry teenager and my confused adult to the edge of the river bed and we all watched the sunrise. We all understood that the night was over.

I don’t question whether I’ve forgiven myself. I don’t worry that II might slip back.

The experience burst through the loneliness of confusion into the connection of forgiveness.

 

My body, the ultimate truth teller is telling me the truth, the forgiveness is permanent.

 

I’ll write 2-4 more pieces on this experience over the next week.