T-M-I from T-I-M

Wait until she's a teenager....

These last 5 years with my daughter have been nothing short of amazing.  Like so many other parents I've witnessed her grow into her own person.  She has her own opinions, ideas and attitudes.

Recently I've noticed that she even knows how to make me legitimately laugh.  Not just the "aw, it's so cute to see my little girl be all grown up hee, hee, hee!!!".  More like, wow, that's something that is actually really funny and it's an original thought on her part. 

These 5 years haven't been all rosy either, we've worked through some tough stuff.  I've been dealing with the reality of one word answers too.  How was your day?  Good.  What happened today?  Nothing.  Can you tell me anything interesting or unusual about the day?  Not really. (Ok that last answer was a 2 worder but you get the idea...)

But it seems like every time I start talking about how great things are, some parent comes storming in to tell me "Yeah?  Wait till she's a teenager, that will all be gone"  or "Just wait until she wants nothing to do with you" or the like.  Frankly I'd prefer they keep their warnings to themselves.

I get that there probably is a good intention behind it.  But here's the bottom line:  she's not a teenager. 

She will be one and I'll have my own experience with her at that point.  I'm not saying it's all going to be sweet and fuzzy.  I was a teenager I get it.  If I sit here and worry about the fact that she'll reject me one day then I'm not going to give an unfiltered attentive presence to all that she is right now. 

It's all I ever have with her.  And if anyone should be saying "wait until..." maybe it should be HER friends saying "wait until your Dad turns 50".

OMG, in 7 years I'll be 50.  Oy vey!  :) 

Is my parenting fear based?

I've been considering the insidious and paralyzing aspects of fear in my life.  Most of the time my fears seem to be self-centered and often have been programmed into me by people, media, etc. in my life.  Living in fear has led me down some really awful paths (and yes, from time to time it works well at an instinctual level).

I then thought about how fear manifests in my relationship with Zoe. When she was tiny she had to totally trust me and safety was more about keeping her fed, changed, etc.  When I carried her around she was totally trusting.  Until, of course she developed that full body electric worm move that toddlers use to wriggle out of parents' arms and onto the ground when she first started walking.

I get that there are some basic things that I needed to teach her when she was really young (don't touch a hot stove, don't talk to strangers, etc.).  But as she's growing I feel like we're in this dance to teach her about relationships of all types.

Sometimes I'm scared out of romantic relationships for fear of hurting or getting hurt.  She doesn't have romantic relationships....yet, she does have a number of others. 

I feel almost trapped by my own experiences in relationships (with mom, dad, siblings, friends, etc.).  Like if I give her my own advice I may somehow intend it to be the "way".

Can I trust that for example, that she can learn a way that is common across any relationship?  (Being compassionate, for example.)

I also fully understand that she will get older and eventually her way won't have a ton to do with me (or will it??).  I just hope along the way that I'll have the presence and strength to inject more love than fear into her way of living.

Making giving natural

My wonderful daughter is in Ireland with her mom, stepdad and sister.  Every year her school has a select group of kids get in front of the whole school and give a memorized speech. 

She happen to lose the copy of her speech while she was there.  Virtually without thinking I told her I'd get it and instinctively I got in the car to go get it after hanging up.

It felt great to do it for her.  Granted our relationship is unique in my life as Zoe is my only child.  However, I learned that I have the capacity to give without thinking twice.

Given that, it seems to me that I can make that happen in the rest of my life.  I know I can do it, now I just have to.  There''s no good reason not to.

My life

Over the past couple of years, I have really felt lost.  When I was in my 20's and very early 30's I felt comfortable moving ahead and to a certain extent going with the flow.  I also spent very little time thinking about things like the meaning of life, whether all things happen for a reason, etc.

Now in my 40's I do think about these things and I feel like the more energy I put to it I'm actually getting further away from any answers.  I realize that all people have pain and don't think I'm unique in that matter.

It's so hard to make any sense whatsoever of what's happened to me over the past 10 years.  Ultimately, I don't think I can make sense of it.  I could try by pointing to things currently that prove why certain things happeend, but it's pretty fruitless.  It's like using the Bible to prove something.  You can prove almost anything with the Bible all of them seeming equally valid.

I love my daughter.  I'm the best father I can be, but I feel like she deserves better than what I offer.  It's a super challenging place to be.  I sincerely hope that the pain of the last years is worth what's to come in the next few years.  It's a mystery, I'm not in control of it.

This is one of the times in my life when I'm not even really looking for answers (or who knows maybe I am...).  I'm just confused. 

It's scary that I'm not even sure where my current trajectory is leading to.  I also find that it's a bit difficult to talk about this stuff with friends and family.  Maybe that's why I'm doing this post.  It's not for you, it's really for me.

Sometimes I think it's the soul that really connects us all.  But is it possible that the common thing that connects us more readily is pain?

I believe in some type of god.  But my belief is founded on the concept of energy.  It feels so inaccesible.  Of course, for me, not quite as inaccessible as a dude in the sky.

As the days continue to pass I am seemingly more confused.  Who knows, maybe I should just stop thinking about this stuff.  I know the 10 or so people that read this probably agree with or understand what I'm talking about.

One last thing.  I think what is so unbelievably scary for me is that I don't know how to protect or really inform Zoe about this and that I don't see any type of light at the end of whatever tunnel I happen to be in.

Yuck....

Making vs. Buying a gift

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a huge arts and crafts dude.  But this year I decided that I would make a gift for my daughter.  During that 3 hour process I re-connected with many of the same issues I had when I was a kid around art.

I'm not very patient.  I'm not too precise.  I'm not very good at keeping things even.

That being said, I think it's the gift that I'm most proud of giving maybe in my life.  I'm eagerly awaiting my daughter's response.  Granted if she's sort of eh about it, it will sting a bit.

But it was fun to do.  Something about putting my heart into something feels more rewarding than something I just bought.  Granted I'm not the greatest Xmas shopper either, but it's usually much shorter than 3 hours for me.

Here's the gift.  And I'm proud of it.

The beauty of father and daughter

I was driving home last night w/ my daughter and we were listening to music that spoke to the difficulty and complexity of relationships.  She picked up on it when I replayed the songs (specifically Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson and Beautiful Girls by Boyce).

It led to a long conversation about when she will get into a relationship with a boy.  She said that I guess when a man breaks up with her, she will be heartbroken but if she broke up with him she wouldn't be.

I told her that yes there can be quite a bit of emotional pain involved in breakups no matter who does it.  It's one of those moments where I have to tell her that while I'm her Dad and want her to be happy, I just can't keep her from experiencing emotional pain.

I said that what I most deeply desire for her is to meet someone who treats her with the caring and respect she deserves and that he appreciates all of the beautiful gifts inside of her.  So, she asked (or it might have been just said) if she would only be able to date boys that mom and dad approve of.

I said that even now we disagree on things and it just may be that we disagree on the boys that are right for her.  I guess that's a little heartbreaking for me because it seems she's asking me whether we can protect her from getting in the wrong relationship.

We talked for about an hour more about it and it was a little disarming to admit that sometimes I'm just not going to know what she should do. 

At the end I told her what I really want from her.  I said that when making a decision in her life she leans on and collects as much input as possible and right before she makes it she thinks how the other person that is involved will feel.

I have to admit the conversation and experience was beauty without reference.  It's an experience where I know I love her but love just doesn't fully explain what I feel for her.

Missing my family

For Thanksgiving Zoe and I went down to LA to visit my brother, two nieces, dad and stepmom.  We celebrated a faux Thanksgiving (one day late) with several liberal rules, including keeping the football game on TV with volume up so we could hear it.

While I was there I also had the opportunity to talk to my niece and nephew in the Midwest.  Upon returning to SF I realized, quite poignantly, that I miss my family.

Growing up we were mostly together on holidays.  And while I often fought with my brothers and got in trouble on those days, the fact is we were together.

Now my brothers are dispersed throughout the country and my mom and dad live on opposite ends of the US.  I know that I wish Zoe had more time with my family but I am realizing as time passes that I'm missing a key element in my life.

There was plenty of dysfunction to go around in my family, but it's still my family.  And now that we don't get together I'm starting to realize that I haven't replaced that intimacy in my life.

I really hope I do someday.

But.....I'm always going to be goofy

I went to Zoe's first day of school the other day.  And like almost every other time I'm around the girls of St. B's, I was a goofball.  More or less they dig it and get into it.

But I'm noticing a shift.  Some girls that it used to really dig it aren't quite digging it so much anymore.  I understand that the girls (in particular Zoe) will grow up and their interests and actions will change over time.

There's a bit of a problem because over time I won't change much.  It's taken me quite a long time to get comfortable with the fact that I'm a goofball.  It suits me so well.

Of course I can be a loving and patient Dad with Zoe and the other girls, but I'm not sure I can switch the gears to become the straight man of sorts.  It makes me worry a bit.  What will I do when it's clear me being me doesn't "fit"?

My role model in many ways is my Dad.  I love my Dad with all of my heart and he is a first rate goofball too, a ton of fun.  I'll readily admit that from time to time I was a bit embarrassed by it, but that never seemed to deter him and I'll be damned if he's not one of the happiest people I know.

You know what?  Being a Dad to a wonderful daughter is downright confusing at times.

Zoe's first ride in the front seat

Saturday was the first time driving with my daughter in the front seat.  We were picking up twins to go on a playdate so it was kind of a necessity.  Driving with Zoe in the front seat was quite profound actually.  It was a sign of growing up. 

Now, she's not totally grown up yet because she hasn't quite mastered the idea of control of the radio in the car.  When I told her that she could turn on any song she wanted, her eyes grew really wide but she didn't step up to do it.  Not yet....

First it was driving with my daughter facing the back as I would sing to her or play Marvin Gaye or The Beatles for her and she went to sleep so fast that I thought she might be taking Ambien for kids.  Although she would awake and wail when she pooped, thank goodness.

Next it was Zoe facing forward.  It included the time that she sang her first verses unprompted to "Part of This World" from The Little Mermaid (which of course brought tears to my eyes).  And the ease of checking her out whenever I wanted from the front seat (and often she was daydreaming thank goodness).

Now it's Zoe in the front seat.  And it's a significant step up.

I realize that once it happened there's no going back.  And that realization came in a rush and I know my beautiful daughter is really growing up.

I can't define "I love you"

I spend an awful lot of my time thinking about love.  I know that the more I put my attention to it, the more it will grow in my life.  But I'll be damned if I can't come up with a standard definition for it.

I tell my daughter that I'm going to say "I love you" to her but that the words just don't really capture how I feel.  It doesn't mean I don't say it, I say it to Zoe at least 10 times a week.  Why do I feel that the words don't capture it?

Partially because people say I love you in all types of different contexts.  If I say I love you to someone who learned love from parents that were, say, abusive, there interpretation of love is completely different than mine.  The words mean something different.

The greatest poets, artists and hell even Jesus Christ tried to define love.  But it's still different for everyone.  And it's such high stakes.  Is there any one sentence in any language that means more?

It's frustrating that I can't define it.  And when it comes closest to what I think it means, like with my daughter, the words fall short. 

I understand that it means different things in different situations.  But when it comes to relationships, I would like to understand it.

Ultimately, I know that I won't, but it doesn't make me want to say the words any less.

And if you read this far:  I love you.  :) ....but I don't know what that means....