T-M-I from T-I-M

It's slipping away too quickly....

OK, I'm having PEN (Pre-Empty Nest) mental and emotional cramps.  The time with my daughter is just slipping away too quickly.  This amazing human being of pure light who I held in arms who HAD to completely trust me as a newborn is ALREADY this beautiful, bright, happy, goofy, authentic, funny and, yes, at times confusing and difficult girl.

It's like no time in my life has the type of context that these 12 years have had.  it's not like 4 years of high school or 4 years of college because that was mostly me changing without the benefit of seeing it in someone else.

I wish we could all think of a word stronger than love that I feel for her (a friend once said it's "at a cellular level" which really resonated with me).  And I get this regular gift of having her as a part of my life (physically in particular). 

I have this person in my life who I feel I can be completely myself for and with.  I can pour my heart into our relationship without fear.  Yes, I do have fears sometimes about her security and well being but I don't fear showing her my heart because in reality she probably still has the ability to see what it's really saying anyway.

I have this person in my life that I can completely laugh and cry with.  It's a relationship with a level of responsibility that can't be replicated anywhere.  Yes, you could say that some of these things I could find with a girlfriend/wife, but not all of them and definitely not in the same way. 

Her happiness is not dependent upon me (although it has quite an impact on it).  I'd like to say that my happiness is not dependent upon her but I don't think I can.  I mean, why am I fighting back tears as I type this (and not completely winning that fight)?

I come into relationships knowing that I have to be complete in myself and not expect someone to complete me.  I've never consciously expected that from Zoe, but in some way I feel, unknowingly, she completes me.  It's totally confusing.  The relationship that I need to model completeness the most is the one where I seem to be having the most difficulty.

And perhaps this is what I fear most in my empty nest.  I won't have her regularly, physically in my life.  Every time I've told people how old she is over all those years I've heard "That's a great age".  And they were right by the way, every age has been great.  Will 18 or 25 or 35 be a great age too?

I'd like to end this post with some type of uplifting thought like "as long as I'm in the moment...." or "ultimately everything will be ok...." or somethng else like this.  But today, in this moment I feel emotionally overwhelmed by the time that just keeps slipping away too quickly (maybe I should stop listening to I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO....).

I want time to stop but I can't.  I want more than 24 hours in a day, but that's never going to happen.

There will be days when I'm grateful for the beauty and pain that my amazing daughter brings me in my life, but today isn't one of them.  Quite selfishly, I want what I know isn't possible with her and it hurts.

She wants dad to have a girlfriend

It's been an awful long time since I've had a serious girlfriend.  I've date fairly regularly but have never actually introduced someone to my daughter.  I've met women who are my "type" but would not be suitable to bring into her life.  I've met women who aren't my "type" who would be suitable.

And I feel, to a certain extent, I seem to be getting more, not less picky.  I can't quite give in to the idea of intro'ng her to to someone I've gone on just a few dates with. 

I've also had this prevailing notion that her having me "all to herself" was something she really valued.  Well we had a chat this weekend which dispelled that notion.  She talked about how it would be cool to have another parent of sorts in her life (her mom has remarried to a really cool guy). 

Here's the meta-issue, over the past several years (and for those of you who've been with me through the dark years, you get it) I have not been what I would consider to be commitment worthy material.  I'm moving the scale towards being more that guy. 

But I realize that I have to give a lot of myself in a relationship so is it possible that I'm afraid of not always being able to giving myself 100% to her.  Maybe I don't want to share her. 

Or maybe I just don't want to share me, who knows?  But I think at some level she sees what her mom has with her new husband and she wants something similar for me.  And that would be right on track with what I love about her and what makes her the special daughter that she is.

My daughter's radiant beauty

Yesterday my daughter got ready for Easter Mass (w/ mom of course...) at my place.  After getting ready she walked into the room where I was and my girl took my breath away.  She had her hair up in a side-ish pony tail kind of look.  She walked in like the confident girl I know her to be.  I know I'm not the most objective in the world however she looked stunningly beautiful and I told her.  I told her how her beauty just radiates.

And I realized that she's starting to look like a young woman.  Admittedly she's maturing faster than some of the other girls in her class and that's not always the best thing.  Regardless, she's amazing and she seems to be handling that fact.  She carries her beauty in this sort of care-free way.  She knows she's beautiful (she knows how to take my compliment thank goodness), but she doesn't flaunt it.  It's a little disarming to be honest because I still get a little shook when I get the reminders that my little girl is growing up.

My heart is so full when I see her radiant.  I'm convinced she carries it as such not only because she's physically attracted but that she also has the warm, wonderfully, goofy and endearing heart that she shares with the world.

She's a gift for me in different ways every day.  And I'm so happy that yesterday I didn't future trip into what it means, I just appreciated it for exactly what it was.

The song Part of This World gets me EVERY time!!!

OK, I'm a big sap, I know it.  I get Misty more than Johnny Mathis ever did.

Here's the deal, when Zoe was about 3 years old we were driving and the song Part of This World from the Little Mermaid came on.  Now, we had done plenty of sing-song-ing up to that point.  Itsy Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus and so on.  And it usually started with me initiating it and her singing along.

However, this time, in the middle of the song, she belted out the lyrics "Flippin' your fins you won't get to far" out of nowhere.  It sent a warm flow of light through my body and I told her how awesome it was that she did it. 

Now, EVERY time I hear that song I get, well, misty.  But it's not just that one, it's Daughters, it's Tiny Dancer, and on and on that get me.

This week while we drove into school we held hands and sang "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell (me singing the male part, her singing the female part).  ANOTHER one!!!

As I get older, I'm becoming MORE, not less of a sap.  And guess what?  I couldn't be happier!!

The things I notice about my daughter

My daughter just turned 12 and I'm feeling this spectrum of emotions.  The emotions are often triggered by some of the things she says or does, both big and small.  And when I notice these things it's as if I'm simultaneously grateful and, in some ways, sad.

For example, for a small thing, while at her birthday party I noticed she was talking with one of her friends.  Throughout the conversation she had her arm around her shoulders.  It's often how I talk to friends to create or acknowledge intimacy.  In the end, who knows whether she is consciously doing this but it felt so, I don't know, grown up.

A big thing for example, was when we were in an argument and she had the presence of mind and maturity to tell me that I wasn't letting her express her feelings.  She was completely right and it hit me right to the core.  Her ability to be confident and stand up for herself in that moment felt really grown up.

I'm super grateful because I see her learning and using ways of relating and connecting that are definitely meaningful and effective.  It fills my heart to know that she can both connect with someone in such a simple way with her arm around her friend and stay connected to her truth in her words and intentions to me.

I feel great that she's learned the skill now what does she do with it?  I told her, for example, if ever anyone tells you that they don't want to hear about or care about your feelings that it's a really good sign to stand even stronger in that moment and ultimately find someone else who does.

I guess I'm a little sad because the teaching of the skill is such a huge leap the sharpening of the skill feels, I don't know, less impactful on a day to basis.  And every day, I'm noticing little and big things that shows me she's growing up and I'm doing my best to get closer to her in that reality rather than further away.  I really have to remember, though, it's not about me, it's about her.

Daddy Daughter Dance

Last night was another edition of one of my favorite nights of the year, the daddy daughter dance.  There's something downright magical about going to a daddy/daughter dance with my daughter.  I get to see all the sweetness, joy, happiness and love that makes her magnificent. 

As I would expect she spent time with her friends.  But she asked me tons of times to come out and dance with her (and I danced with her a few times even without the invite....).  And yes, there was one song that I danced to by myself.  (It's called Thrift Shop by Macklemore and it ROCKS!!!!) 

It was high octane young girls totally fun and screaming energy at times which was great to be around.  There is something almost inspirational about seeing them just goofing off having a ton of fun with relatively less self-consciousness without the boys around.  They just sink into being themselves.

The big payoff was when they played Daughters by John Mayer.  My daughter wrapped her hands around me and leaned into my body.  It felt like she completely surrendered to my love, protection, understanding, reliability, appreciation and all the other things that make being her dad feel so good. 

When I felt that my heart grew 10x. I felt totally accepted because with all of my faults and mistakes I'm me.  I felt totally appreciated because with all of my goofiness and affection I'm me.  I'm Zoe's dad and she's my daughter.

I felt a surge of emotions that nearly had me in tears on the dance floor. 

I told a friend that night that I often think that Zoe is everything to me and sometimes I'm not sure that's the best thing.  I can feel it being too much when I realize I only have 2 more of these dances for us until high school.

But last night I dove into that feeling that this happy and amazing girl who has faults like everyone else is everything to me and I accept and love her for everything that she is, no need to change.  It felt so pure and real.  And something about that made all of the other stuff that I let distract me in life just fade away.

Seeing her pain while everyone else sees smiles

My friend Stephanie Bridwell shared this quote with me and asked me to share how the topic of this blog shows up in my life and how it impacts me.  After some thought, I realized that this is nowhere more evident in my life than my relationship with my 11 year old daughter.

And it is really difficult to handle sometimes.  I do my very best to draw her out and sometimes and even when I see it so clearly (the tiniest of twitches on her lips or the slightest of movement in her eyebrows or even the most subtle of changes in her breath pattern) she still won't let it out. 

Sometimes she doesn't even know what she's feeling.  That is probably the most difficult time, because I know identifying it would help. 

And I'm learning that while I may WANT to solve it for her (which I may in the end) it serves her to just identify it to begin with. It was super painful the other night when she shared that she told someone that she was really frustrated and crying because she wasn't allowed to share her feelings like she can with me. 

I'm hoping that just by trying to draw it out of her (even if she tells me she's "fine") that she'll really get the message of how important it is to be genuine and to stay close to those feelings and thoughts in her life.  And it's simultaneously asking more of me and how I express my feelings. 

My relationship with Zoe is, by far, the highest stakes one I have with any other human being.  But I can't save her, ultimately that's not up to me (or her for that matter), it's up to whatever guiding spiritual force she happens to believe (or not believe) in. 

But I'll be damned if I'm not going to keep trying to help her stay in touch with her truth no matter how messy it may look, feel, seem, etc.  The more often she lives in that distance between true and false, the more comfortable she becomes with it and the more acceptable it seems.

Far too frequently, that pain that I see in her eyes while everyone else believes the smile is the very bondage that keeps her in the icy cold, distant from the sunshine of her beautiful heart and soul.

44 things I think now that I'm 44

Today I turned 44 and I decided to stream of consciousness write 44 things that occur to me:

1. I think despite having less money than I've ever had, a tenuous job situation and no girlfriend in my life, I'm happier than I ever have been in my life.
2. I think as cool as I think Obama is, things are going to get a lot worse in the next 4 years and we made a mistake.
3. I think I'm finally learning that regardless of how much I worry, things are just going to work out the way they do and it's all going to be ok, so why worry?
4. I think every pop singer I hear sounds exactly the same (seriously are Keisha, Niki Minaj, Rihanna and Karmin really different people??)
5. I think I'm a better dancer than anyone I know.  :)
6. I think I'm better at given oral sex to women than I ever have been in my life (actually I KNOW this and it just may be part of the last part of #1!!!)
7. I think I'm saddened that my relationship with my younger brother is dead.
8. I think if more people talked openly and honestly about sex, we would all be more compassionate and loving and all be having better sex.
9. I think people in the Bay Area do more "self-examination" than any other area but people in this area don't really seem to be that much more happy than elsewhere.
10. I think the single most important relationship I have in my life is my relationship with my God.
11. I think I'm totally blessed that I have such a wonderfully loving relationship with my mom.
12. I think your opinion of me is none of my business.
13. I think I should have gone to a University that has a good D-1 football program.
14. I think spending $20k+ a year for a high school education is insane.
15. I think that making people laugh is one of the coolest things I can consistently do in life.
16. I think the dude from Magic Mike isn't very hot (Brad Pitt is still way hotter...), but the main chick in the movie sets my loins on fire.
17. I think if I could have dinner with anyone in the world right now, it would be either David Sedaris or Coen Brothers or maybe Jay Z...actually maybe the Dalai Lama or that chick in Magic Mike (kidding!).
18. I think the Golden State Warriors will never be any good.
19. I think baseball is the most boring sport ever invented.
20. I think I've learned more about my own vulnerability and power by learning how to communicate with my daughter than anyone else.
21. I think my relationship with her is the one where I'm hardest on myself when I make mistakes.
22. I think my daughter's heart wil be broken and that will be extremely difficult on me (knowing of course it will be even more difficult on her).
23. I think I don't really give 100% of myself into lots of areas in my life and that my daughter sees that.
24. I think playing basketball is a million times more fun than going for a run.
25. I think San Francisco is the greatest city in the world run by a group of complete idiots who are ruining it.
26. I think we collectively lose sight of the fact that we have spent TRILLIONS on a war that we'll never win.
27. I think my movie script idea about an artist who fakes his own death so his art will be way more valuable will come to fruition at some point but will probably never be made.
28. I think the idea of people managing a "personal brand" makes me want to puke so violently that my anus nearly splits.
29. I think I'm starting to settle less with women.  I'm better off not going out with women than going out with women whose fire has long ago been snuffed out and they have no interest in re-lighting it.
30. I think people in the MIdwest are nicer than any other place I've ever been and part of it may be the simple life with a certain amount of ignorance about "self awareness" is super powerful.
31. I think our nation is racist and people are too pc to admit it.
32. I think political correctness often does more damage than good, we never learn if we don't really know what we're thinking, we just learn not to say the bad stuff we really believe.
33. I think Charles Barkley is interesting and deserves a stage that is wider than sports if he takes the time to educate himself on larger issues (if he hasn't already).
34. I think my Mom is by far the best source of great recommendations for books to read.
35. I think I need more people in my life who will be direct with me and call me on my shit.
36. I think the Simpsons, unfortunately, needs to be cancelled.
37. I think reality television is destroying creativity and self respect in our society.
38. I think I would be on one of them if I could dance.  YEAH I SAID IT!!!!!
39. I think I want to have another son or daughter at some point.
40. I think I'm tired of judging people in organized religions, these organized religions have given purpose and meaning to millions of people's lives they just don't work for me.
41. I think me saying "I don't care" today is SOOO much different than me saying "I don't care" not 2 or 3 years ago.
42. I think I'm far more afraid of a dead life than I am of death.
43. I think there is a word that we should invent that is stronger than love, it just doesn't go far enough to describe how I feel about my daughter and sometimes feel about myself.
44. I think if I think of you and your welfare more of than I think of my own, there are no limits to what I can acheive.

We'll see what my list looks like when I turn 45!

My daughter wants someone like me

At dinner the other night, Zoe and I were talking about my first girl I considered my "real" girlfriend (if you're reading this Robin Kavadas, it was you!!).  She's getting to that age where she does think about boys and I try to be as casual as possible, letting her know that these feelings she's having about boys are normal.

As we were talking she just let out "You know how girls want to marry men like their dads.  Well I want someone who can make me laugh like you make me laugh Dad."  My heart melted quicker than that dude's face melted off in Raiders of the Lost Ark (OLD SCHOOL!!!).  I have lots of endearing qualities that make me me, but the one I seem to treasure most and am most grateful for is that I can make you laugh and know how to laugh myself.

Laughter, to me is one of the main times in my life when I'm TOTALLY present.  And when we share laughter, it's infectious and often has its own crescendos which makes it even more cool.

Its gotten me out of a TON of really dark situations, has been an awesome connector to other people and, of course, has made for more than a few moments that were a bit "awks" as my daughter and her friends say.  Life's hard and downright shitty sometimes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to take it to seriously.

I went to my high school reunion a few weeks ago and when someone asked me what has changed about me since then, I told them that I was more acutely aware of what hadn't changed.  I loved to laugh and make people laugh then and still do today. 

But to have that wonderful quality reflected back from my daughter as something she really wants in someone she, you know, like, sorta, kinda like "likes" makes it all the more sweeter.

My daughter: Few words, many experiences

I have a new (challenge in communicating with my daughter.  She's mastered the ability to say almost no words and deftly end a conversation. 

Me:  How was your day?

Her:  Fine

Me:  What interesting thing happened today?

Her:  Nothing

Me:  What did you think about the Science test you took today?

Her:  Not much

Me:  Did they ask you about the endocrine system?

Her:  I don't remember

and so it goes.

I have certain tricks, etc. that I can use, but the fact is I know that there are ALL types of things that she is discovering and likely has questions about it.  But the other fact is, she doesn't ask me them very often.  I've learned quite a bit about giving her space to have and identify feelings.  The power of sharing my own experiences to tell her I've felt that way too.

But face it Tim, sometimes she doesn't want to talk.  She specifically tells me at times that she doesn't want to say too much because it's likely I will ask questions when she does.  (Which of course I will.)

I'm really tuned into her life at school, I know all her friends and go to her games/events.  But that sometimes still isn't enough.

My job now is to keep trying, but not trying the same thing and continuing to fail.  I'm open to and am learning about even more ways to try.  There's a bittersweetness to my angel face growing up.

In the end, I've got the ultimate trump card.  She doesn't even need to respond to it.  The card:

I love you.