T-M-I from T-I-M

44 things I think now that I'm 44

Today I turned 44 and I decided to stream of consciousness write 44 things that occur to me:

1. I think despite having less money than I've ever had, a tenuous job situation and no girlfriend in my life, I'm happier than I ever have been in my life.
2. I think as cool as I think Obama is, things are going to get a lot worse in the next 4 years and we made a mistake.
3. I think I'm finally learning that regardless of how much I worry, things are just going to work out the way they do and it's all going to be ok, so why worry?
4. I think every pop singer I hear sounds exactly the same (seriously are Keisha, Niki Minaj, Rihanna and Karmin really different people??)
5. I think I'm a better dancer than anyone I know.  :)
6. I think I'm better at given oral sex to women than I ever have been in my life (actually I KNOW this and it just may be part of the last part of #1!!!)
7. I think I'm saddened that my relationship with my younger brother is dead.
8. I think if more people talked openly and honestly about sex, we would all be more compassionate and loving and all be having better sex.
9. I think people in the Bay Area do more "self-examination" than any other area but people in this area don't really seem to be that much more happy than elsewhere.
10. I think the single most important relationship I have in my life is my relationship with my God.
11. I think I'm totally blessed that I have such a wonderfully loving relationship with my mom.
12. I think your opinion of me is none of my business.
13. I think I should have gone to a University that has a good D-1 football program.
14. I think spending $20k+ a year for a high school education is insane.
15. I think that making people laugh is one of the coolest things I can consistently do in life.
16. I think the dude from Magic Mike isn't very hot (Brad Pitt is still way hotter...), but the main chick in the movie sets my loins on fire.
17. I think if I could have dinner with anyone in the world right now, it would be either David Sedaris or Coen Brothers or maybe Jay Z...actually maybe the Dalai Lama or that chick in Magic Mike (kidding!).
18. I think the Golden State Warriors will never be any good.
19. I think baseball is the most boring sport ever invented.
20. I think I've learned more about my own vulnerability and power by learning how to communicate with my daughter than anyone else.
21. I think my relationship with her is the one where I'm hardest on myself when I make mistakes.
22. I think my daughter's heart wil be broken and that will be extremely difficult on me (knowing of course it will be even more difficult on her).
23. I think I don't really give 100% of myself into lots of areas in my life and that my daughter sees that.
24. I think playing basketball is a million times more fun than going for a run.
25. I think San Francisco is the greatest city in the world run by a group of complete idiots who are ruining it.
26. I think we collectively lose sight of the fact that we have spent TRILLIONS on a war that we'll never win.
27. I think my movie script idea about an artist who fakes his own death so his art will be way more valuable will come to fruition at some point but will probably never be made.
28. I think the idea of people managing a "personal brand" makes me want to puke so violently that my anus nearly splits.
29. I think I'm starting to settle less with women.  I'm better off not going out with women than going out with women whose fire has long ago been snuffed out and they have no interest in re-lighting it.
30. I think people in the MIdwest are nicer than any other place I've ever been and part of it may be the simple life with a certain amount of ignorance about "self awareness" is super powerful.
31. I think our nation is racist and people are too pc to admit it.
32. I think political correctness often does more damage than good, we never learn if we don't really know what we're thinking, we just learn not to say the bad stuff we really believe.
33. I think Charles Barkley is interesting and deserves a stage that is wider than sports if he takes the time to educate himself on larger issues (if he hasn't already).
34. I think my Mom is by far the best source of great recommendations for books to read.
35. I think I need more people in my life who will be direct with me and call me on my shit.
36. I think the Simpsons, unfortunately, needs to be cancelled.
37. I think reality television is destroying creativity and self respect in our society.
38. I think I would be on one of them if I could dance.  YEAH I SAID IT!!!!!
39. I think I want to have another son or daughter at some point.
40. I think I'm tired of judging people in organized religions, these organized religions have given purpose and meaning to millions of people's lives they just don't work for me.
41. I think me saying "I don't care" today is SOOO much different than me saying "I don't care" not 2 or 3 years ago.
42. I think I'm far more afraid of a dead life than I am of death.
43. I think there is a word that we should invent that is stronger than love, it just doesn't go far enough to describe how I feel about my daughter and sometimes feel about myself.
44. I think if I think of you and your welfare more of than I think of my own, there are no limits to what I can acheive.

We'll see what my list looks like when I turn 45!

Musings on a 25 year high school reunion

A few weeks ago I attended my 25 year high school reunion in South Bend.  I hadn't seen most of the people since the 10 year and some since I graduated.  Going into it there were a handful of people I really wanted to connect with. 

Here are a few random observations from the event:

• I was reminded, quite beautifully, that there are a few people who, though I may not have talked to them in years, genuinely care about me.  There's a lot to the fact that I don't want anything from them professionally, no networking or any of that other stuff.  Inside of that weekend, I reconnected with what it feels like to care for someone for no other reason than I feel like I know this core truth about them that is awfully hard to hide over the course of four years of high school.  I don't know if I would call it love but it's a pretty endearing affection.
• I had a great high school experience with a relatively normal family life.  We had our share of probs, but I looked forward to going home to my family each day.  It was really revealing when one person in particular told me about how difficult and despairing the high school experience was. 
• Some parts of all of us haven't changed and thank God for that.  In high school, I was great at making people laugh, I still am.  When asked how I've changed from high school, I actually started with how I haven't and this is one of my personality I cherish most.  I think the core things that most of us had in high school are still there, guiding us in some way.  The difference amongst us seemed to be the perspective or point of view on the experiences we've had since then.
• It was interesting to see the hard partiers.  I have zero against them.  It was fascinating to see the ones that seemed to just be blowing off steam as well as the others who seem to be still living la vida not so loca and not so fun.  Having led that life in a really dark way, I'm pretty good at spotting the difference, it's a bit sad to see when I see the signs that someone is also living that life.
• Related to that, it was awesome to connect with people who had problems in their family similar to problems I've faced.  I felt in some way I was a small help to them in understanding what is at a minimum perplexing and more likely divisive and destructive.
• While our new high school is really cool looking, all modern and clean it's not St. Joe.  Call me a curmudgeon, that will never change for me.  On the upside, we were the Indians when I went there and we still are.  Unnecessary PC has not found its way into the St. Joe athletics program.
• I've only kept in touch on a somewhat regular basis, with one person since high school.  There were lots of promises to keep in touch at the party.  While it would be great if that would happen the odds aren't very high.  I can't tell you exactly why, as I felt really close to a number of them, but we each have our lives.  Being on the west coast may have something to do with it too.  Many of them keep in touch with each other and that's awesome.  But only one man has been through the wringer with me and he also happens to be the one guy I've spoken to since the reunion (yes I know 2 way street!!).
• I didn't much care about what people were doing, I cared more about what they've become.  I experienced a few connections where I was almost overwhelmed by their huge hearts, real salt of the earth people.  I think part of that may have come from the ease that I felt about not really caring what others thought of what I did or even who I am because I'm more often than not comfortable in my own skin.  And several of my high school friends have become amazing men and women.
• While I will almost certainly never move back, I can finally admit that South Bend is a pretty cool place.  Yes, diversity is defined as white people and tanned white people.  Yes, other than ND football there is almost nothing to do.  But I'll be damned if the people who live there aren't some of the finest people you'll find.  They are so genuine it's almost not believable.  There's a feeling I get when I experience just walking around a town like South Bend and it's not at all the feeling I get when I walk around San Francisco, a city which I love.

I will remember quite a bit about the reunion and the experience.  Ironically, the thing I will remember most about that weekend was an amazing conversation that I had with my niece that had nothing to do with the reunion.  It was tender and loving, the kind of thing that absolutely reminds me of the power of family.  Likewise, I was reminded of the power of relationships with a long lasting and deep foundation.

I will probably never see lots of my high school peeps again.  And, candidly, I'm conflicted about that.   I honestly don't really know how to pick up the relationship again.  But if the only thing I get out of that reunion was 2 days of feeling the warmth and insight of some of the connections I felt, it was more than worth it to go.

Confidence and Expectations

I wrote this for a private group on Facebook and thought it was worthy to share on my blog....

I was at a men's group on Sunday when 6 turned on women came to talk to the group. The word that popped up most was confidence. It got me thinking about the relationship between confidence and expectations.

I've long associated the idea of confidence with a high degree of certainty of results, which create expectations. I'm confident so I'm going to get her number and that's that. I realized that this finite game (even if the number leads to dinner leads to sex) is frustrating and empty. I'm exploring the idea of expectations that aren't beholden to results rather they are about what's inside. Do I expect that regardless of what she says or does that I am confident that I'm lovable, worthy, hot, etc.? Do I expect that when you say stroke lighter or higher that I am confident in knowing that I'm always doing it right?

I have this really strong knowing that, ironically, when I'm confident in who I am desired "classic" results will often manifest. And, importantly, even if they don't, I keep moving, when necessary boldly reclaiming my power, my sex, my soul. In that, I penetrate you, on infinite levels playing an infinite game.

And I'll make mistakes dammit! I'll try to save you when that's not at all what you want. You'll be at sad and I'll try to meet you with sexy. I'll think (and maybe even act like) I know when in fact I'm totally confused and lost. (Actually that last one you will probably know better and sooner than I will....).

All of that's ok, because if I'm not out making mistakes, I'm probably in making misery. So, maybe I'm ready for this huge shift. Maybe confidence isn't related to results oriented expectations as I've always thought. And I bet that's a really big step towards truly setting me free.

On being human

Admitting to myself that I'm human is a rather interesting experience.  What seems so natural, is, well, confusing.  How often I try to deny that I am....

For example, I've historically been horrible on myself with making mistakes.  But isn't making mistakes part of the gig?  Granted I've put myself in positions before where I was set up to make mistakes.

Take my career to date.  For reasons too complicated to explain I became an accountant.  My resume makes me perfectly qualified to do something that I absolutely hate.  (yes, I said hate...)  So, I would take the jobs, do really well at first and then the mistakes would come and the self imposed beatings would begin.

Actually, regardless of the mistake I'm hard on myself.  You know why?  Because I've been super worried about how other people think about it.

Curiously, I'm pretty easy on my daughter knowing that she makes mistakes either because she doesn't know better or she's just human.  It's ok I tell her we all make mistakes.  Wow, if I could only tell myself the same.

Embracing my humanness certainly connects me at some level to everyone else.  We're all human.  But what if they, like me, are super hard on themselves?  And so far the only person to tell me they aren't was my psychiatrist....makes me wonder.

I can see myself using the excuse that "I'm human" to address a lot of lazy or self-centered behavior.  That doesn't feel authentic.

I'm hoping that the more I embrace the fact that I'm human the more closely I can come to my divinity.  Now that's a proposition worth working towards.

My life

Over the past couple of years, I have really felt lost.  When I was in my 20's and very early 30's I felt comfortable moving ahead and to a certain extent going with the flow.  I also spent very little time thinking about things like the meaning of life, whether all things happen for a reason, etc.

Now in my 40's I do think about these things and I feel like the more energy I put to it I'm actually getting further away from any answers.  I realize that all people have pain and don't think I'm unique in that matter.

It's so hard to make any sense whatsoever of what's happened to me over the past 10 years.  Ultimately, I don't think I can make sense of it.  I could try by pointing to things currently that prove why certain things happeend, but it's pretty fruitless.  It's like using the Bible to prove something.  You can prove almost anything with the Bible all of them seeming equally valid.

I love my daughter.  I'm the best father I can be, but I feel like she deserves better than what I offer.  It's a super challenging place to be.  I sincerely hope that the pain of the last years is worth what's to come in the next few years.  It's a mystery, I'm not in control of it.

This is one of the times in my life when I'm not even really looking for answers (or who knows maybe I am...).  I'm just confused. 

It's scary that I'm not even sure where my current trajectory is leading to.  I also find that it's a bit difficult to talk about this stuff with friends and family.  Maybe that's why I'm doing this post.  It's not for you, it's really for me.

Sometimes I think it's the soul that really connects us all.  But is it possible that the common thing that connects us more readily is pain?

I believe in some type of god.  But my belief is founded on the concept of energy.  It feels so inaccesible.  Of course, for me, not quite as inaccessible as a dude in the sky.

As the days continue to pass I am seemingly more confused.  Who knows, maybe I should just stop thinking about this stuff.  I know the 10 or so people that read this probably agree with or understand what I'm talking about.

One last thing.  I think what is so unbelievably scary for me is that I don't know how to protect or really inform Zoe about this and that I don't see any type of light at the end of whatever tunnel I happen to be in.

Yuck....

Finding Wisdom

I'll admit that I spend a great deal of time trying to "catch" as much wisdom as possible.  I think about what books I read, I try to remain curious alwyas looking at new things.

I am not Type A.  In fact I don't really know what Type I am.  Regardless, I don't really have a rigid approach to finding wisdom.

I'm starting to realize that some of the deepest and most meaningful pieces of wisdom come simply from chance.  I met a woman last night through a friend who has beautiful children.  Unfortunately, their father passed away a few years ago.  It affected me deeply emotionally.  However the honesty and directness of the woman was magnificent.

It taught me an awful lot about dealing with death.  The fact is, I move on, I HAVE to.

My daughter of course imparts unbelievable pieces of wisdom to me.  I think she's smarter than me in a lot of ways.

Madeleine L'Engle said:  "That's the way things come clear.  All of a sudden.  And then you realize how obvious they've been all along."

Perhaps the answer for me is to stop worrying about HOW I can find it and simply be present to the now.  It feels like the most likely place that I will find wisdom.

Or maybe I should just lighten up.  :)

Being In It

Recently I've heard sportscasters say that an athlete is "in it" when they are playing well.  It means that the player is in the moment and silencing the mind as much as possible.

I sincerely doubt that any of them contemplated that it's like a meditative state.  It wouldn't seem right.....

"Brett Favre goes back to throw.  The rush is on him, and I can hear him saying "Ohm" from up here.  He throws the pass and it's complete!  Favre is rushing to the sideline to sit beneath a banyan tree and contemplate silence...."

I do understand the difference however.  When I play hoops (which I'm discovering as a long lost passion lately) if I'm in my head about the last missed shot or a bad defensive play, inevitably I don't perform at my best.

So, it's kind of simple to understand how being in silence or "in it" improves performance.

What do I do, however, if I'm fighting depression?  It's unbelievably hard to be in anything.  One of these days I'll learn how to handle it.  But for now, let's just say that I'm not seeking any banyan trees out.

Someday I'll be "in" life.

Music and my "personal brand"

It's a pretty hot thing these days to develop a "personal brand".  The topic of a personal brand is sort of obnoxious in my mind.  I can create any kind of brand that I want which may or may not be congruent with who I am through packaging.

Then again, I just made a CD mix to play in my car.  I can't help but wonder what people might think of me when I bump tunes like:

• As Long as You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys
• Only in My Dreams by Debbie Gibson
• Sweet Dreams by Patsy Cline
• For the Longest Time by Billy Joel

Granted these songs are mixed in with Gang of Four, Amy Winehouse, Gorillaz, Oasis and many others that I don't really worry about what people might think of when they hear it.

I'm supposed to go out with a friend this week and when I pick her up, I wonder what she'll think if she hears the tunes.  Maybe I should just skip them, who knows?

I guess in some ways I do think about my "personal brand" when it suits me even though the topic nauseates me.  Maybe THAT is what defines my personal brand.  I guess that's a little flimsy eh?

The Story of My Life

No...this is not an homage to Social Distortion's catchy tune.

 But rather I was featured in a profile for a cool site called Story of My Life.  They took me through a process that was fairly revealing for me regarding the journey of the work that I do that motivates me most, working with entrepreneurs.

Here's the story.

It was a fun process and I am really grateful for the opportunity to share it.  There are some wonderful stories on there and now I guess I'm one of them!

Great Carl Sagan Quote

Sometimes, the right quote at the right time makes a lot of stuff make sense.  In the words of Carl Sagan:

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.