T-M-I from T-I-M

My dear friend Jerry Jacobs

This morning I learned that my friend Jerry died.  Jerry is one of my many friends who we affectionately refer to as an "old-timer" in the group I'm involved in.  I first attended a gathering of about 15-20 men who were mostly old-timers and he welcomed me in a way that made me feel like I fit right in.

I spent the next 4 or 5 months trying to prove (and tell everyone) that I didn't.  One thing that confused me is that since the group was mostly older men it had lost several of its regular attendees over time and they talked about them on a somewhat regular basis. 

I fought that.  I'm new and I've never met this person, why don't we just focus on where and who we are now?  My friend Jerry smiled and let me be the rascal that I was being.  Always welcoming me back with a warmth that was, at times, downright confusing.

I broke bread with him on several occasions.  He was there on the other side of the phone talking me through rough spots.  He was one of those people in our lives who told me everything would be ok and I really believed it when he said it to me.

Then he got sick and he was in the hospital for quite a while.  And I kept saying to myself, I'll go next week.  Now it's too late.  You see, both Jerry and I share this disease that is founded on selfishness.  He showed me how to treat this disease daily.  This morning I've been reflecting on the choices I made instead of visiting him and it sickens me.

If he were still with us, I would tell him "I was wrong to be so self centered and insensitive".  And the thing that is crushing me this morning is I know he would tell me it's ok and give me a huge hug. 

That's who Jerry was.  And it's not totally that "I've" lost Jerry it's that "we've" lost him.  Because he won't be there to extend his loving embrace to another man or woman like me.

I'm so fucking pissed that it takes death for me to "get perspective".  I hear it all the time when there are tragic events.  It just feels so wrong that I'm taking the loss of this amazing man to teach me things he was trying to teach me for the blessed time I knew him.

I understand my group members better now, because I now know how it feels.  But it's a Catch fucking 22, Jerry had to die for me to get all of this.  It's too painful of a price to pay.

This hurts so bad.  I loved Jerry Jacobs.  I know everything's going to be ok, just like you always said to me Jerry, I really believe you. 

And I'm going to talk about you, long after you left us last night.  And a new man may not get why I'm talking about you and I'll will smile compassionately.  But in a very meaningful way you will never leave me because you filled my heart in an everlasting way. 

I love you Jerry Jacobs.

It's slipping away too quickly....

OK, I'm having PEN (Pre-Empty Nest) mental and emotional cramps.  The time with my daughter is just slipping away too quickly.  This amazing human being of pure light who I held in arms who HAD to completely trust me as a newborn is ALREADY this beautiful, bright, happy, goofy, authentic, funny and, yes, at times confusing and difficult girl.

It's like no time in my life has the type of context that these 12 years have had.  it's not like 4 years of high school or 4 years of college because that was mostly me changing without the benefit of seeing it in someone else.

I wish we could all think of a word stronger than love that I feel for her (a friend once said it's "at a cellular level" which really resonated with me).  And I get this regular gift of having her as a part of my life (physically in particular). 

I have this person in my life who I feel I can be completely myself for and with.  I can pour my heart into our relationship without fear.  Yes, I do have fears sometimes about her security and well being but I don't fear showing her my heart because in reality she probably still has the ability to see what it's really saying anyway.

I have this person in my life that I can completely laugh and cry with.  It's a relationship with a level of responsibility that can't be replicated anywhere.  Yes, you could say that some of these things I could find with a girlfriend/wife, but not all of them and definitely not in the same way. 

Her happiness is not dependent upon me (although it has quite an impact on it).  I'd like to say that my happiness is not dependent upon her but I don't think I can.  I mean, why am I fighting back tears as I type this (and not completely winning that fight)?

I come into relationships knowing that I have to be complete in myself and not expect someone to complete me.  I've never consciously expected that from Zoe, but in some way I feel, unknowingly, she completes me.  It's totally confusing.  The relationship that I need to model completeness the most is the one where I seem to be having the most difficulty.

And perhaps this is what I fear most in my empty nest.  I won't have her regularly, physically in my life.  Every time I've told people how old she is over all those years I've heard "That's a great age".  And they were right by the way, every age has been great.  Will 18 or 25 or 35 be a great age too?

I'd like to end this post with some type of uplifting thought like "as long as I'm in the moment...." or "ultimately everything will be ok...." or somethng else like this.  But today, in this moment I feel emotionally overwhelmed by the time that just keeps slipping away too quickly (maybe I should stop listening to I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO....).

I want time to stop but I can't.  I want more than 24 hours in a day, but that's never going to happen.

There will be days when I'm grateful for the beauty and pain that my amazing daughter brings me in my life, but today isn't one of them.  Quite selfishly, I want what I know isn't possible with her and it hurts.

44 things I think now that I'm 44

Today I turned 44 and I decided to stream of consciousness write 44 things that occur to me:

1. I think despite having less money than I've ever had, a tenuous job situation and no girlfriend in my life, I'm happier than I ever have been in my life.
2. I think as cool as I think Obama is, things are going to get a lot worse in the next 4 years and we made a mistake.
3. I think I'm finally learning that regardless of how much I worry, things are just going to work out the way they do and it's all going to be ok, so why worry?
4. I think every pop singer I hear sounds exactly the same (seriously are Keisha, Niki Minaj, Rihanna and Karmin really different people??)
5. I think I'm a better dancer than anyone I know.  :)
6. I think I'm better at given oral sex to women than I ever have been in my life (actually I KNOW this and it just may be part of the last part of #1!!!)
7. I think I'm saddened that my relationship with my younger brother is dead.
8. I think if more people talked openly and honestly about sex, we would all be more compassionate and loving and all be having better sex.
9. I think people in the Bay Area do more "self-examination" than any other area but people in this area don't really seem to be that much more happy than elsewhere.
10. I think the single most important relationship I have in my life is my relationship with my God.
11. I think I'm totally blessed that I have such a wonderfully loving relationship with my mom.
12. I think your opinion of me is none of my business.
13. I think I should have gone to a University that has a good D-1 football program.
14. I think spending $20k+ a year for a high school education is insane.
15. I think that making people laugh is one of the coolest things I can consistently do in life.
16. I think the dude from Magic Mike isn't very hot (Brad Pitt is still way hotter...), but the main chick in the movie sets my loins on fire.
17. I think if I could have dinner with anyone in the world right now, it would be either David Sedaris or Coen Brothers or maybe Jay Z...actually maybe the Dalai Lama or that chick in Magic Mike (kidding!).
18. I think the Golden State Warriors will never be any good.
19. I think baseball is the most boring sport ever invented.
20. I think I've learned more about my own vulnerability and power by learning how to communicate with my daughter than anyone else.
21. I think my relationship with her is the one where I'm hardest on myself when I make mistakes.
22. I think my daughter's heart wil be broken and that will be extremely difficult on me (knowing of course it will be even more difficult on her).
23. I think I don't really give 100% of myself into lots of areas in my life and that my daughter sees that.
24. I think playing basketball is a million times more fun than going for a run.
25. I think San Francisco is the greatest city in the world run by a group of complete idiots who are ruining it.
26. I think we collectively lose sight of the fact that we have spent TRILLIONS on a war that we'll never win.
27. I think my movie script idea about an artist who fakes his own death so his art will be way more valuable will come to fruition at some point but will probably never be made.
28. I think the idea of people managing a "personal brand" makes me want to puke so violently that my anus nearly splits.
29. I think I'm starting to settle less with women.  I'm better off not going out with women than going out with women whose fire has long ago been snuffed out and they have no interest in re-lighting it.
30. I think people in the MIdwest are nicer than any other place I've ever been and part of it may be the simple life with a certain amount of ignorance about "self awareness" is super powerful.
31. I think our nation is racist and people are too pc to admit it.
32. I think political correctness often does more damage than good, we never learn if we don't really know what we're thinking, we just learn not to say the bad stuff we really believe.
33. I think Charles Barkley is interesting and deserves a stage that is wider than sports if he takes the time to educate himself on larger issues (if he hasn't already).
34. I think my Mom is by far the best source of great recommendations for books to read.
35. I think I need more people in my life who will be direct with me and call me on my shit.
36. I think the Simpsons, unfortunately, needs to be cancelled.
37. I think reality television is destroying creativity and self respect in our society.
38. I think I would be on one of them if I could dance.  YEAH I SAID IT!!!!!
39. I think I want to have another son or daughter at some point.
40. I think I'm tired of judging people in organized religions, these organized religions have given purpose and meaning to millions of people's lives they just don't work for me.
41. I think me saying "I don't care" today is SOOO much different than me saying "I don't care" not 2 or 3 years ago.
42. I think I'm far more afraid of a dead life than I am of death.
43. I think there is a word that we should invent that is stronger than love, it just doesn't go far enough to describe how I feel about my daughter and sometimes feel about myself.
44. I think if I think of you and your welfare more of than I think of my own, there are no limits to what I can acheive.

We'll see what my list looks like when I turn 45!

Musings on a 25 year high school reunion

A few weeks ago I attended my 25 year high school reunion in South Bend.  I hadn't seen most of the people since the 10 year and some since I graduated.  Going into it there were a handful of people I really wanted to connect with. 

Here are a few random observations from the event:

• I was reminded, quite beautifully, that there are a few people who, though I may not have talked to them in years, genuinely care about me.  There's a lot to the fact that I don't want anything from them professionally, no networking or any of that other stuff.  Inside of that weekend, I reconnected with what it feels like to care for someone for no other reason than I feel like I know this core truth about them that is awfully hard to hide over the course of four years of high school.  I don't know if I would call it love but it's a pretty endearing affection.
• I had a great high school experience with a relatively normal family life.  We had our share of probs, but I looked forward to going home to my family each day.  It was really revealing when one person in particular told me about how difficult and despairing the high school experience was. 
• Some parts of all of us haven't changed and thank God for that.  In high school, I was great at making people laugh, I still am.  When asked how I've changed from high school, I actually started with how I haven't and this is one of my personality I cherish most.  I think the core things that most of us had in high school are still there, guiding us in some way.  The difference amongst us seemed to be the perspective or point of view on the experiences we've had since then.
• It was interesting to see the hard partiers.  I have zero against them.  It was fascinating to see the ones that seemed to just be blowing off steam as well as the others who seem to be still living la vida not so loca and not so fun.  Having led that life in a really dark way, I'm pretty good at spotting the difference, it's a bit sad to see when I see the signs that someone is also living that life.
• Related to that, it was awesome to connect with people who had problems in their family similar to problems I've faced.  I felt in some way I was a small help to them in understanding what is at a minimum perplexing and more likely divisive and destructive.
• While our new high school is really cool looking, all modern and clean it's not St. Joe.  Call me a curmudgeon, that will never change for me.  On the upside, we were the Indians when I went there and we still are.  Unnecessary PC has not found its way into the St. Joe athletics program.
• I've only kept in touch on a somewhat regular basis, with one person since high school.  There were lots of promises to keep in touch at the party.  While it would be great if that would happen the odds aren't very high.  I can't tell you exactly why, as I felt really close to a number of them, but we each have our lives.  Being on the west coast may have something to do with it too.  Many of them keep in touch with each other and that's awesome.  But only one man has been through the wringer with me and he also happens to be the one guy I've spoken to since the reunion (yes I know 2 way street!!).
• I didn't much care about what people were doing, I cared more about what they've become.  I experienced a few connections where I was almost overwhelmed by their huge hearts, real salt of the earth people.  I think part of that may have come from the ease that I felt about not really caring what others thought of what I did or even who I am because I'm more often than not comfortable in my own skin.  And several of my high school friends have become amazing men and women.
• While I will almost certainly never move back, I can finally admit that South Bend is a pretty cool place.  Yes, diversity is defined as white people and tanned white people.  Yes, other than ND football there is almost nothing to do.  But I'll be damned if the people who live there aren't some of the finest people you'll find.  They are so genuine it's almost not believable.  There's a feeling I get when I experience just walking around a town like South Bend and it's not at all the feeling I get when I walk around San Francisco, a city which I love.

I will remember quite a bit about the reunion and the experience.  Ironically, the thing I will remember most about that weekend was an amazing conversation that I had with my niece that had nothing to do with the reunion.  It was tender and loving, the kind of thing that absolutely reminds me of the power of family.  Likewise, I was reminded of the power of relationships with a long lasting and deep foundation.

I will probably never see lots of my high school peeps again.  And, candidly, I'm conflicted about that.   I honestly don't really know how to pick up the relationship again.  But if the only thing I get out of that reunion was 2 days of feeling the warmth and insight of some of the connections I felt, it was more than worth it to go.

My daughter wants someone like me

At dinner the other night, Zoe and I were talking about my first girl I considered my "real" girlfriend (if you're reading this Robin Kavadas, it was you!!).  She's getting to that age where she does think about boys and I try to be as casual as possible, letting her know that these feelings she's having about boys are normal.

As we were talking she just let out "You know how girls want to marry men like their dads.  Well I want someone who can make me laugh like you make me laugh Dad."  My heart melted quicker than that dude's face melted off in Raiders of the Lost Ark (OLD SCHOOL!!!).  I have lots of endearing qualities that make me me, but the one I seem to treasure most and am most grateful for is that I can make you laugh and know how to laugh myself.

Laughter, to me is one of the main times in my life when I'm TOTALLY present.  And when we share laughter, it's infectious and often has its own crescendos which makes it even more cool.

Its gotten me out of a TON of really dark situations, has been an awesome connector to other people and, of course, has made for more than a few moments that were a bit "awks" as my daughter and her friends say.  Life's hard and downright shitty sometimes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to take it to seriously.

I went to my high school reunion a few weeks ago and when someone asked me what has changed about me since then, I told them that I was more acutely aware of what hadn't changed.  I loved to laugh and make people laugh then and still do today. 

But to have that wonderful quality reflected back from my daughter as something she really wants in someone she, you know, like, sorta, kinda like "likes" makes it all the more sweeter.

Does Faith = Intimacy?

A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me and it was transformative.  I experienced my mother in a brand new way.  We talked about things with an honesty that had little reference for me.

Additionally, she has opinions that I don't completely agree with.  Historically, I've judged them or at minimum got annoyed at them.  This time I just let her be and accepted her for who she is.

I experienced a level of intimacy that's unfamiliar.  It felt like a piece of my heart was lit that either has been long forgotten or never had been used.

It got me thinking about my relationship with my own version of god. I ascribe certain attributes to my god (and by the way, I'm not suggesting you do the same or believe in the god I do or even that you should believe in god). 

My version of god is a perfect power.  So, the question becomes:  How do I become intimate with a power like that?

I learned that a great path to deep connection is embracing the fact that we're all human and connecting through that.  We share pain, problems, happiness, uncertainty, etc. and we're there for each other.

But how do I become intimate with something that's perfect?  A few friends suggested the answer may be faith.

Candidly, I don't really understand what they mean, but I did nod my head in agreement (hiyo!).  But I suppose some level of faith that my god is working in my life does create a relationship.

I certainly can't lie to my god because it knows everything about me.

It's a bit confusing.  But this is clear, if I can bring the experience I had with my Mom into my relationship with god, therein lies an infinite reward.

My deepest desire...

I threw out a facebook status that said:  My deepest desire is that everyone (including me) feels loved. 

I am working in SBUX right now facing the window.  I'm going in and out of being gripped about a long time issue that I'm dealing with in my life.  The issue itself is actually quite unimportant.

Anyway, I looked up from my computer and noticed a group of mentally handicapped children/adults walking in a line holding hands 2x2 on the street.  One child was very young.  The 2 or 3 adults monitoring them were both patient and seemingly happy.

Two thoughts came to mind:

1. My problems aren't that big.  Honestly I don't typically feel much out of comparing my suffering to others but this time it hit me.
2. I felt an overpowering sense of wanting, almost aching for them to feel loved.

This happened about 30 minutes ago and this aching feels so real.  I know that each of them is on whatever path God set them on and that it's the way it should be.

That doesn't stop this almost overpowering urge for them to feel loved.  Candidly, this type of thought has sometimes pushed me to some really dark places.  Personalizing wider PERCEIVED suffering is not a happy, happy, joy, joy way to live.

But perhaps widely wishing something is some kind of way to distract myself from the possiblity that it's something I ache for and don't really feel at the depths of my own soul.

I know I have the capacity to feel loved and as humans I doubt that's any different for the people I saw walking by.  And you know what?  In some ways they may actually be happier than most, who knows?

One thing is absolutely true for me:  Everyone deserves love. 

The only answer, the only power that saves any of us is the power of love, and everyone deserves to feel it.

Instant beauty karma

Today I decided to lay down on the Marina Green in SF to enjoy the sun.  Shortly before I left a beautiful couple dressed up arrived.

I asked them if they wanted me to take a pic of them.  I found out that they had JUST gotten married at the Civic Center.  They were waiting for their photographer but wanted me to take a picture of them on their iphone, apparently to let their friends/family know that they just got married.

I decided to drive to Safeway and bought them a nice (I think) bottle of champagne and a boquet of flowers.  While I can't say this is always how I behave, doing it is really who I am at my deepest level.

I've always been good about this stuff.

I brought the gifts back to them and they couldn't have been happier.  I got hearty hugs from both of them.  I clearly touched them.

The photographer snapped a photo but I didn't.  The fact is that I flat forgot to take a pic.  But the reality is all I really wanted to remember was the feeling.

The feeling of thinking of someone else.  The feeling of doing something expecting nothing in return.  My heart came out of my chest. 

Honestly, I couldn't hold that very well and only stayed for a minute or so.  But the feeling continues to fill my heart and soul with joy and warmth.

I couldn't be luckier.

Paralysis vs Vulnerability

I was chatting with a friend today and I realized how much I missed the beauty and rewards of blogging.  Admittedly, when I first started doing this, I shared EVERYTHING.  And a year or two ago, I un-published (is that a word??) a thread of posts that were way too revealing.

I feel like as soon as I took that step, I quickly skidded downhill to a point where I didn't feel like I should share anything.  Or even worse, that perhaps I need to be "right on" or "moving" with each post.  My arch nemesis ego moved in swiftly and without remorse to cut me off.  I started to become a slave to my "personal brand" as its called, which to me is a euphemism for ego.

I fear vulnerability, I'm not unique that way.  But it's amazing how this fear increaseed since I stopped blogging.

Given my wide reaching audience of 3-5 people, I realize that my main audience started as and is only myself.  If it so happens to reach or touch anyone else, great!  (And my experience has been that it has, in the most unexpected of ways.)

But if it doesn't, it's ok, because I realize that I blog to bring more love into the world, and that's about me and my actions.

I start from today and do my best from there.  It's not always pretty, but it is my journey.

Making giving natural

My wonderful daughter is in Ireland with her mom, stepdad and sister.  Every year her school has a select group of kids get in front of the whole school and give a memorized speech. 

She happen to lose the copy of her speech while she was there.  Virtually without thinking I told her I'd get it and instinctively I got in the car to go get it after hanging up.

It felt great to do it for her.  Granted our relationship is unique in my life as Zoe is my only child.  However, I learned that I have the capacity to give without thinking twice.

Given that, it seems to me that I can make that happen in the rest of my life.  I know I can do it, now I just have to.  There''s no good reason not to.