T-M-I from T-I-M

Does Faith = Intimacy?

A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me and it was transformative.  I experienced my mother in a brand new way.  We talked about things with an honesty that had little reference for me.

Additionally, she has opinions that I don't completely agree with.  Historically, I've judged them or at minimum got annoyed at them.  This time I just let her be and accepted her for who she is.

I experienced a level of intimacy that's unfamiliar.  It felt like a piece of my heart was lit that either has been long forgotten or never had been used.

It got me thinking about my relationship with my own version of god. I ascribe certain attributes to my god (and by the way, I'm not suggesting you do the same or believe in the god I do or even that you should believe in god). 

My version of god is a perfect power.  So, the question becomes:  How do I become intimate with a power like that?

I learned that a great path to deep connection is embracing the fact that we're all human and connecting through that.  We share pain, problems, happiness, uncertainty, etc. and we're there for each other.

But how do I become intimate with something that's perfect?  A few friends suggested the answer may be faith.

Candidly, I don't really understand what they mean, but I did nod my head in agreement (hiyo!).  But I suppose some level of faith that my god is working in my life does create a relationship.

I certainly can't lie to my god because it knows everything about me.

It's a bit confusing.  But this is clear, if I can bring the experience I had with my Mom into my relationship with god, therein lies an infinite reward.

My deepest desire...

I threw out a facebook status that said:  My deepest desire is that everyone (including me) feels loved. 

I am working in SBUX right now facing the window.  I'm going in and out of being gripped about a long time issue that I'm dealing with in my life.  The issue itself is actually quite unimportant.

Anyway, I looked up from my computer and noticed a group of mentally handicapped children/adults walking in a line holding hands 2x2 on the street.  One child was very young.  The 2 or 3 adults monitoring them were both patient and seemingly happy.

Two thoughts came to mind:

1. My problems aren't that big.  Honestly I don't typically feel much out of comparing my suffering to others but this time it hit me.
2. I felt an overpowering sense of wanting, almost aching for them to feel loved.

This happened about 30 minutes ago and this aching feels so real.  I know that each of them is on whatever path God set them on and that it's the way it should be.

That doesn't stop this almost overpowering urge for them to feel loved.  Candidly, this type of thought has sometimes pushed me to some really dark places.  Personalizing wider PERCEIVED suffering is not a happy, happy, joy, joy way to live.

But perhaps widely wishing something is some kind of way to distract myself from the possiblity that it's something I ache for and don't really feel at the depths of my own soul.

I know I have the capacity to feel loved and as humans I doubt that's any different for the people I saw walking by.  And you know what?  In some ways they may actually be happier than most, who knows?

One thing is absolutely true for me:  Everyone deserves love. 

The only answer, the only power that saves any of us is the power of love, and everyone deserves to feel it.

Instant beauty karma

Today I decided to lay down on the Marina Green in SF to enjoy the sun.  Shortly before I left a beautiful couple dressed up arrived.

I asked them if they wanted me to take a pic of them.  I found out that they had JUST gotten married at the Civic Center.  They were waiting for their photographer but wanted me to take a picture of them on their iphone, apparently to let their friends/family know that they just got married.

I decided to drive to Safeway and bought them a nice (I think) bottle of champagne and a boquet of flowers.  While I can't say this is always how I behave, doing it is really who I am at my deepest level.

I've always been good about this stuff.

I brought the gifts back to them and they couldn't have been happier.  I got hearty hugs from both of them.  I clearly touched them.

The photographer snapped a photo but I didn't.  The fact is that I flat forgot to take a pic.  But the reality is all I really wanted to remember was the feeling.

The feeling of thinking of someone else.  The feeling of doing something expecting nothing in return.  My heart came out of my chest. 

Honestly, I couldn't hold that very well and only stayed for a minute or so.  But the feeling continues to fill my heart and soul with joy and warmth.

I couldn't be luckier.

Paralysis vs Vulnerability

I was chatting with a friend today and I realized how much I missed the beauty and rewards of blogging.  Admittedly, when I first started doing this, I shared EVERYTHING.  And a year or two ago, I un-published (is that a word??) a thread of posts that were way too revealing.

I feel like as soon as I took that step, I quickly skidded downhill to a point where I didn't feel like I should share anything.  Or even worse, that perhaps I need to be "right on" or "moving" with each post.  My arch nemesis ego moved in swiftly and without remorse to cut me off.  I started to become a slave to my "personal brand" as its called, which to me is a euphemism for ego.

I fear vulnerability, I'm not unique that way.  But it's amazing how this fear increaseed since I stopped blogging.

Given my wide reaching audience of 3-5 people, I realize that my main audience started as and is only myself.  If it so happens to reach or touch anyone else, great!  (And my experience has been that it has, in the most unexpected of ways.)

But if it doesn't, it's ok, because I realize that I blog to bring more love into the world, and that's about me and my actions.

I start from today and do my best from there.  It's not always pretty, but it is my journey.

Making giving natural

My wonderful daughter is in Ireland with her mom, stepdad and sister.  Every year her school has a select group of kids get in front of the whole school and give a memorized speech. 

She happen to lose the copy of her speech while she was there.  Virtually without thinking I told her I'd get it and instinctively I got in the car to go get it after hanging up.

It felt great to do it for her.  Granted our relationship is unique in my life as Zoe is my only child.  However, I learned that I have the capacity to give without thinking twice.

Given that, it seems to me that I can make that happen in the rest of my life.  I know I can do it, now I just have to.  There''s no good reason not to.

Making vs. Buying a gift

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a huge arts and crafts dude.  But this year I decided that I would make a gift for my daughter.  During that 3 hour process I re-connected with many of the same issues I had when I was a kid around art.

I'm not very patient.  I'm not too precise.  I'm not very good at keeping things even.

That being said, I think it's the gift that I'm most proud of giving maybe in my life.  I'm eagerly awaiting my daughter's response.  Granted if she's sort of eh about it, it will sting a bit.

But it was fun to do.  Something about putting my heart into something feels more rewarding than something I just bought.  Granted I'm not the greatest Xmas shopper either, but it's usually much shorter than 3 hours for me.

Here's the gift.  And I'm proud of it.

The beauty of father and daughter

I was driving home last night w/ my daughter and we were listening to music that spoke to the difficulty and complexity of relationships.  She picked up on it when I replayed the songs (specifically Wrong Turn by Jack Johnson and Beautiful Girls by Boyce).

It led to a long conversation about when she will get into a relationship with a boy.  She said that I guess when a man breaks up with her, she will be heartbroken but if she broke up with him she wouldn't be.

I told her that yes there can be quite a bit of emotional pain involved in breakups no matter who does it.  It's one of those moments where I have to tell her that while I'm her Dad and want her to be happy, I just can't keep her from experiencing emotional pain.

I said that what I most deeply desire for her is to meet someone who treats her with the caring and respect she deserves and that he appreciates all of the beautiful gifts inside of her.  So, she asked (or it might have been just said) if she would only be able to date boys that mom and dad approve of.

I said that even now we disagree on things and it just may be that we disagree on the boys that are right for her.  I guess that's a little heartbreaking for me because it seems she's asking me whether we can protect her from getting in the wrong relationship.

We talked for about an hour more about it and it was a little disarming to admit that sometimes I'm just not going to know what she should do. 

At the end I told her what I really want from her.  I said that when making a decision in her life she leans on and collects as much input as possible and right before she makes it she thinks how the other person that is involved will feel.

I have to admit the conversation and experience was beauty without reference.  It's an experience where I know I love her but love just doesn't fully explain what I feel for her.

Zoe's first ride in the front seat

Saturday was the first time driving with my daughter in the front seat.  We were picking up twins to go on a playdate so it was kind of a necessity.  Driving with Zoe in the front seat was quite profound actually.  It was a sign of growing up. 

Now, she's not totally grown up yet because she hasn't quite mastered the idea of control of the radio in the car.  When I told her that she could turn on any song she wanted, her eyes grew really wide but she didn't step up to do it.  Not yet....

First it was driving with my daughter facing the back as I would sing to her or play Marvin Gaye or The Beatles for her and she went to sleep so fast that I thought she might be taking Ambien for kids.  Although she would awake and wail when she pooped, thank goodness.

Next it was Zoe facing forward.  It included the time that she sang her first verses unprompted to "Part of This World" from The Little Mermaid (which of course brought tears to my eyes).  And the ease of checking her out whenever I wanted from the front seat (and often she was daydreaming thank goodness).

Now it's Zoe in the front seat.  And it's a significant step up.

I realize that once it happened there's no going back.  And that realization came in a rush and I know my beautiful daughter is really growing up.

I can't define "I love you"

I spend an awful lot of my time thinking about love.  I know that the more I put my attention to it, the more it will grow in my life.  But I'll be damned if I can't come up with a standard definition for it.

I tell my daughter that I'm going to say "I love you" to her but that the words just don't really capture how I feel.  It doesn't mean I don't say it, I say it to Zoe at least 10 times a week.  Why do I feel that the words don't capture it?

Partially because people say I love you in all types of different contexts.  If I say I love you to someone who learned love from parents that were, say, abusive, there interpretation of love is completely different than mine.  The words mean something different.

The greatest poets, artists and hell even Jesus Christ tried to define love.  But it's still different for everyone.  And it's such high stakes.  Is there any one sentence in any language that means more?

It's frustrating that I can't define it.  And when it comes closest to what I think it means, like with my daughter, the words fall short. 

I understand that it means different things in different situations.  But when it comes to relationships, I would like to understand it.

Ultimately, I know that I won't, but it doesn't make me want to say the words any less.

And if you read this far:  I love you.  :) ....but I don't know what that means....

Missing me leads to missing fun

Zoe is winding down a 2 week vacation in Europe with her mom and new fam.  The last time I saw her before she left, she soaked my t-shirt's shoulder with her tears.

However, we had a conversation shortly before she left about the importance of enjoying life.  I told her that she'll miss me but that I only asked that when she was gone that she focus on just having a blast in Ireland.  I told her if she sat around a lot thinking about how much she missed me, she would miss out on fun.

She delighted me today when we talked by telling me that she only thought about me a couple of times a day and, as discussed, she's having a great time.

It's so much easier to have her go through this and learn.  Alternatively, I could sit her down and explain the meaning of "Be Here Now".  But how ironic would that be to have someone explaining it to her who seems to know less about it than she does?