T-M-I from T-I-M

Is it God or god?

My relationship/friendship with God has taken an interesting turn.  For the majority of my life I ascribed the capital letter G to God out of fear and necessity I guess.  It was a sort of forced exultation.  And apparently he was the only one around.  He was kind of like this ultimate bouncer.  Because he decided who got in to the club and who didn't.

And as far as I could tell, he didn't only let in slutty looking hot chicks immediately and leave an average looking, likeable fellow like me in purgatory until I bribed him or until he looked at me and just said...dude, you are so going to hell.  He was that friend I could never really "connect" with but basically I had to say I knew him because everyone else I knew said they did.  And I always had to go hang out at his house to see him once a week.

Then we had kind of a break-up.  I decided that instead of trying to be God's groupie, that I was going to ignore him entirely.  Fine dude, if I ONLY can see you at your place, then I'm just going to do my "own thing".  So I started seeing other people. 

I hung out with this one spirit that was a like a colorful liquid rainbow slowly advancing life.  I spent some time with this man/woman combo type thing for a while.  I even spent some time without a God because I figured I knew best.

It was cool because they came over to my place and I never felt rejected by any of them because they weren't really "friends" per se, they were just people that told me whatever I was doing was fine, even though it wasn't so fine.

So I came back to someone I decided to call god.  And this god was super cool.  god handled a ton of stuff for me that I couldn't handel myself.  And god knew its place because by not capitalizing its name, it no longer was better than me or getting what I deemed to be a forced term of admission that goes beyond someone's regular name.

Just recently it changed again.  I've decided to call God God.  But see God's name could be Bill or Juan or Herbert.  It's just the name of my friend.  And like Bill or Mohammed (the most popular name on earth, THANK YOU Superbad) a lot of other people I know can be friends with someone named God too.

This friend however has a few twists.  God doesn't get all worked up if I don't call.  Actually, the only who seems to get worked up when I don't call God is me. 

God comes over whenever I want, but ironically, even when I don't want God is still there, but not in that like annoying dude who always wants to be around me because he saw me do stand up comedy "that one time". 

My friend God seems to always know how things are going to turn out and he knows they will always turn out ok.  It's cool though because I can watch a movie with God and he won't be like "OMG, it's so cool when they find out that the letter was actually written by HER, not his ex-wife"  (THANK YOU Silver Linings Playbook).  When I start freaking out, he's the cool one who says, dude, it's all good trust me and while sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, it is all good.

My friend God has a ton of other great qualities, but the best one of all is my friend God will never leave me.  I can get like super pissed or like talk bad about him to other peeps (come on dude, ANOTHER war, WTF???) and he's still like it's ok Tim that you talked me down.  My friend God doesn't talk to me about other peeps who have other friends like my friend God and say that they are like totally fucked come time death rolls around, I'm down with that.

God's the friend that is everything I've ever dreamed of and some things I've never even thought of.  God digs me and I dig him, he ain't heavy, he's my brother (THANK YOU the Hollies).

And brother, what a friend God is.

My daughter wants someone like me

At dinner the other night, Zoe and I were talking about my first girl I considered my "real" girlfriend (if you're reading this Robin Kavadas, it was you!!).  She's getting to that age where she does think about boys and I try to be as casual as possible, letting her know that these feelings she's having about boys are normal.

As we were talking she just let out "You know how girls want to marry men like their dads.  Well I want someone who can make me laugh like you make me laugh Dad."  My heart melted quicker than that dude's face melted off in Raiders of the Lost Ark (OLD SCHOOL!!!).  I have lots of endearing qualities that make me me, but the one I seem to treasure most and am most grateful for is that I can make you laugh and know how to laugh myself.

Laughter, to me is one of the main times in my life when I'm TOTALLY present.  And when we share laughter, it's infectious and often has its own crescendos which makes it even more cool.

Its gotten me out of a TON of really dark situations, has been an awesome connector to other people and, of course, has made for more than a few moments that were a bit "awks" as my daughter and her friends say.  Life's hard and downright shitty sometimes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to take it to seriously.

I went to my high school reunion a few weeks ago and when someone asked me what has changed about me since then, I told them that I was more acutely aware of what hadn't changed.  I loved to laugh and make people laugh then and still do today. 

But to have that wonderful quality reflected back from my daughter as something she really wants in someone she, you know, like, sorta, kinda like "likes" makes it all the more sweeter.

Why try stand up comedy?

I gave stand up comedy a good try for about a year and had a blast doing it.  I met some awesome people, had tons of laughs and learned some awesome lessons.

Most people told me I had huge balls to go up on stage (which made me wonder what they say to women comics).  It doesn't seem that way to me but I learned a couple of great lessons by trying something creative out.

1. If you're gonna do it, really do it.  I took classes at the San Francisco Comedy College and went up at least once or twice a week.  Now that's not a bunch, but I definitely put the effort in.  It's real easy to justify "failure" if you don't really invest in it.
2. If you're gonna do it, you will succeed.  Nothing's better than being on stage killing a crowd.  It can be as small as one joke going really well and you're hooked.
3. If you're gonna do it, you will fail.  One of the greatest lessons I learned doing stand up was how to deal with failure.  Comedy has the unique dynamic of giving you immediate feedback on whether you're killing or not and it's sure hard to deal with silence, a great lesson.
4. If you're gonna do it, you'll meet different people.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have met most of the cats I met doing comedy in my regular life.  That's a blessing, embrace it and you're sure to broaden your perspective.

I also learned a few things about comics.

1. We're neurotic.  At least the good ones are.
2. We love the spotlight.  Even the bad ones.
3. We're resilient.  It's a frickin' grind but many of us keep at it.
4. We're not very realistic.  There are tons of us and we all (in the back of our minds) think there's an outside chance we'll make it.
5. We all love my jokes.  Not really, but I couldn't help myself.

I don't think stand up comedy is for everyone, but I do think creative endeavors of some sort are.  It will challenge you in ways that you can't even imagine. 

That's why I tried it.

A cool new Yoga blog

My yoga teacher/friend Tom Lee has started a blog called "yoga off the mat".  They are more or less amusing or enlightening stories that relate to the power of doing yoga and taking those lessons off the mat.

It's a refreshing endeavor by one of my fave people around.  Tom is super loving and super cool.

Check it out here!

Looking for a smile?

A friend passed this onto me today and I think it rocks!!!

http://www.eightprinciples.com/

How to dance to rap music

I wrote this scintillating value added article for ehow like 6 years ago and think it's funny and worth posting on my blog!

The key to dancing to rap and hip hop is to realize that most every song tells a story. An easy way to get over the shyness is to act the story out and have fun.

Steps

1. Start out by going to the clubs and trying to catch the names of the songs you like best. Go to the DJ and ask; it's a compliment, and he or she will more often than not be happy to tell you. If it's too loud and you don't get it by the second time, don't sweat it, you're almost certain to hear it again.
2. Download the song or get it in the store.
3. After listening to it, go online and get the lyrics to the song. Then you learn the lyrics and get the story. Rap music (particularly hip hop as opposed to rap) almost always has an infectious beat so it's cool to dance to. You'll feel it when you listen to what they say (even if it's old territory like braggin' on themselves). LL Cool J hasn't said all that much different from his first album, but Headsprung rocks, and knowing the lyrics helps.
4. Listen to the song often (while you run, while you clean the house, in the car, over and over). The beat will start to take you over.
5. Go to the club and start by checking out the basic moves people do, they are often good bridges. However, very few people let loose and those who do usually get tons of compliments. But don't do it to get the compliments or even to pick up women necessarily. Instead, dance because it's the ultimate way for you to feel the message and the music.
6. Go by yourself or go with a friend you really feel comfortable with that you don't have to hang out with the whole night. Hit the floor and dance while you spit as many of the lyrics as you can and act out the lyrics. (Like when Outkast says "drip drip drop, there goes an ear-gasm", you can lean your head to the side like you're trying to get water out of your ear. Or when T.I. says "Bring 'Em Out", put both hands in the air and wave 'em on.) Go by yourself because rap has this unusual ability to make groups of dancers (guys in particular) become really peacock-ish and aggressive. It's so unfortunate, because dancing to rap and hip hop is just about having fun. You should be able to dance comfortably with dudes far tougher than you, because you are all just doing your thing.
7. Keep it real. Don't pretend you're something you're not. The very best rap and hip hop is that because it's real. You don't have to be hard to dance to rap well.

Tips

• It's not a competition or even a way to send "messages". Even if someone else sees it that way, let it go. Rap and hip hop are totally ruined by clubbers who turn the scene into fights and confrontations. People who hate and become very aggressive miss the point. Just because TI raps about two guns drew and you and your friends go a little two on two, it doesn't mean you should fight. Have fun and draw two guns with your fingers and then change your fingers into two for peace or something like that.
• Just ignore the haters. Move to the other side of the club or whatever. It is totally unnecessary to hate and it is a sure fire way to ruin everyone's night letting our insecurities and fear ruin a good night out.

Warnings

• Don't assume. It can be enlightening to experience how dancing can open up cool relationships with folks you might never have talked to before. Assumptions create divisions; a smile (even to a dude) breaks down a lot of barriers.
• If a fight starts, and you're not involved (it doesn't happen much) stay out. Go somewhere safe, don't clown around like it's "cool" that you're not in the fight. Let the bouncers handle it, they are, generally speaking, really adept at doing so and really are there for your safety.

Random Laundromat Thoughts: A Trip Inside My Brain...you've been warned

Want to get a feel for what it's like to live in my brain?  Check this out.  I went to wash my clothes today and had the following random thoughts:

1. What's with the blatant discrimination?  Did you know there is a WHITES and COLORS setting?  I can't even think of what it would be like if there were a water fountain in here.  Can't we all just get along?
   
2. And to make matters worse, they actually discriminate amongst the "colors" by intellect.  There's setting for colors and BRIGHT colors.  It just turns my stomach!!!  I guess political correctness has its boundaries. 
   
3. I think Mr. T would make a terrific yoga instructor.  I PITY THE FOOL WHO ISN'T IN DOWN DOG!!! 
   
   Take a deep breath in and big, audible breath out "UHHHHNNNN".
   
   Um, excuse Mr. T, do you have a prediction for today's class...."PAIN!!!!"
   
4. You know if someone pays close attention to my clothes, they would learn an awful lot about me.  What schools I went to.  Where I've traveled.  My ummmm, attention to personal hygiene at a virtually uncomfortable detailed level.  That I have a daughter (or a REALLY weird set of clothing choices for myself).
   
5. The laundromat may be the place that has the most number of people with the fewest words spoken to each other when not required.  (i.e, you have to eliminate places like libraries where you are supposed to be quiet)  Buses come in a close second, but you don't have as many crazy people babbling while at the laundromat.
   
6. I wonder if anyone notices that I'm wearing the very last pieces of clothing I would want to be seen in.
   
7. A sign says "Use washers and dryers AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!".  Are they really that dangerous?  Is there a notable fatality rate here?
   
8. Finally, how come when it says the wash will take 26 minutes and I live one minute away and come back 18 minutes later the clothes are always done?

Aren't you happy you don't have my brain??

The Difference Between Tennis & Basketball

I was out with a big group of friends the other night at a club when a song by Lil Wayne came on.  First, I quickly realized how uncool I had become because I didn't recognize the song as being Lil Wayne and I know he's hot.

More importantly, the song has a distinct vibe that is too cool.  I was standing next to a friend of mine who is black and I asked him:

"Why is it that, more or less, only black guys can come up with stuff like this that is so damn cool?"

He looked at me and said: 

"It's like the difference between tennis and basketball."

Nothing more needs to be said, I couldn't have said it better, in fact it seems to me that even THAT comment is something that mostly a black person can come up with....classic!!

San Francisco

I know there are a lot of SF-haters out there and I intellectually recoil when people claim that the US is "the greatest country in the world" (seriously, how asinine is that???).

And I loathe hyperbole.

But face it, San Francisco is the greatest city in the world.

Funny Therapist Joke

A friend of mine told me a great therapist joke:

A while ago I discovered I was narcissistic. 

After several years of expensive, successful therapy I'm ok with it.