The deepest feeling of love is the love that is the hardest to describe. It’s the kind that you know you feel different whether it’s in someone or something’s presence. I’m human, the kind of love I give has conscious and unconscious strings attached often. And when I have the moment where I give the love that type of love it’s effortless.
I get that deep feeling most often with my daughter. That being said, there are still elements of wanting in that love at times. I’m not proud of that but it’s the truth. When I want something for her (particularly when she doesn’t want it) it’s a kind of love that strains.
Yes I get it, there are some of my friends who will call me on it saying “Well Tim, then that’s not love”. I disagree. It’s just a love that’s human and imperfect, which is as close to perfect as I can get on a regular basis.
Not that long ago I overtly hated myself. That’s changed through my actions (my thoughts can still be a beast). And a bit more recently I have roundly rejected the idea that someone can love me before they “really” know me. I thought wait until they get to the darkest of darkness in me, they will run.
Now I feel like I want to lay down my defenses and just let people love me. And I can give them my best version of love back. I may as well take some risks. Every once in a while I will get that hard to describe feeling.
It’s very similar to when I used to golf. I trudged through 18 holes over 5 hours with the competitive despair that only hack golfers like me understand. And then once a round I would strike the ball perfectly and it would go exactly where I want it to. The birds stopped chirping, the deer stopped grazing and the squirrels stopped doing whatever squirrels do to admire the beauty!
That’s what keeps me coming back. That indescribable feeling of giving and receiving of what we best describe as love is like the one great golf shot over 18 holes. Hmmm, maybe it’s not that hard to describe after all.