T-M-I from T-I-M

Confidence and Expectations

I wrote this for a private group on Facebook and thought it was worthy to share on my blog....

I was at a men's group on Sunday when 6 turned on women came to talk to the group. The word that popped up most was confidence. It got me thinking about the relationship between confidence and expectations.

I've long associated the idea of confidence with a high degree of certainty of results, which create expectations. I'm confident so I'm going to get her number and that's that. I realized that this finite game (even if the number leads to dinner leads to sex) is frustrating and empty. I'm exploring the idea of expectations that aren't beholden to results rather they are about what's inside. Do I expect that regardless of what she says or does that I am confident that I'm lovable, worthy, hot, etc.? Do I expect that when you say stroke lighter or higher that I am confident in knowing that I'm always doing it right?

I have this really strong knowing that, ironically, when I'm confident in who I am desired "classic" results will often manifest. And, importantly, even if they don't, I keep moving, when necessary boldly reclaiming my power, my sex, my soul. In that, I penetrate you, on infinite levels playing an infinite game.

And I'll make mistakes dammit! I'll try to save you when that's not at all what you want. You'll be at sad and I'll try to meet you with sexy. I'll think (and maybe even act like) I know when in fact I'm totally confused and lost. (Actually that last one you will probably know better and sooner than I will....).

All of that's ok, because if I'm not out making mistakes, I'm probably in making misery. So, maybe I'm ready for this huge shift. Maybe confidence isn't related to results oriented expectations as I've always thought. And I bet that's a really big step towards truly setting me free.

My daughter: Few words, many experiences

I have a new (challenge in communicating with my daughter.  She's mastered the ability to say almost no words and deftly end a conversation. 

Me:  How was your day?

Her:  Fine

Me:  What interesting thing happened today?

Her:  Nothing

Me:  What did you think about the Science test you took today?

Her:  Not much

Me:  Did they ask you about the endocrine system?

Her:  I don't remember

and so it goes.

I have certain tricks, etc. that I can use, but the fact is I know that there are ALL types of things that she is discovering and likely has questions about it.  But the other fact is, she doesn't ask me them very often.  I've learned quite a bit about giving her space to have and identify feelings.  The power of sharing my own experiences to tell her I've felt that way too.

But face it Tim, sometimes she doesn't want to talk.  She specifically tells me at times that she doesn't want to say too much because it's likely I will ask questions when she does.  (Which of course I will.)

I'm really tuned into her life at school, I know all her friends and go to her games/events.  But that sometimes still isn't enough.

My job now is to keep trying, but not trying the same thing and continuing to fail.  I'm open to and am learning about even more ways to try.  There's a bittersweetness to my angel face growing up.

In the end, I've got the ultimate trump card.  She doesn't even need to respond to it.  The card:

I love you.