T-M-I from T-I-M

Avoiding the Death of Life

I'm at a point in my life where I don't really fear death that much.  I realize that when my time comes it will come.

But I'm also, more importantly, at a point in my life where I feel fear around the death of life.  How many days am I willing to give up, play ridiculously small and waste away?  I think I've given away more than I've taken over the past 20 years or so. 

Yes, I'm of the type that could take that input and beat the living daylights out of myself.  I think I've done quite a bit of that as well over the past 20 years or so.  But wouldn't beating myself virtually lifeless be another version of giving days away?

The death of life is familiar, I've felt it.  And to paraphrase Einstein, the mind that created the problem is not the mind qualified to solve it.  Put differently, I can't use the stuff I've used to this point to transcend it.

I know it's going to be painful to ultimately transistion to it, but not as painful as "deadful living".

I also know that if I wait until I'm "ready" or feel "peaceful" or "whole" or "healed" to connect to god or any other power to get me through it, I'm screwed.

Why wait?  The power or god has always been ready, when will I be?

Wait until she's a teenager....

These last 5 years with my daughter have been nothing short of amazing.  Like so many other parents I've witnessed her grow into her own person.  She has her own opinions, ideas and attitudes.

Recently I've noticed that she even knows how to make me legitimately laugh.  Not just the "aw, it's so cute to see my little girl be all grown up hee, hee, hee!!!".  More like, wow, that's something that is actually really funny and it's an original thought on her part. 

These 5 years haven't been all rosy either, we've worked through some tough stuff.  I've been dealing with the reality of one word answers too.  How was your day?  Good.  What happened today?  Nothing.  Can you tell me anything interesting or unusual about the day?  Not really. (Ok that last answer was a 2 worder but you get the idea...)

But it seems like every time I start talking about how great things are, some parent comes storming in to tell me "Yeah?  Wait till she's a teenager, that will all be gone"  or "Just wait until she wants nothing to do with you" or the like.  Frankly I'd prefer they keep their warnings to themselves.

I get that there probably is a good intention behind it.  But here's the bottom line:  she's not a teenager. 

She will be one and I'll have my own experience with her at that point.  I'm not saying it's all going to be sweet and fuzzy.  I was a teenager I get it.  If I sit here and worry about the fact that she'll reject me one day then I'm not going to give an unfiltered attentive presence to all that she is right now. 

It's all I ever have with her.  And if anyone should be saying "wait until..." maybe it should be HER friends saying "wait until your Dad turns 50".

OMG, in 7 years I'll be 50.  Oy vey!  :) 

Does Faith = Intimacy?

A few weeks ago my mom came to visit me and it was transformative.  I experienced my mother in a brand new way.  We talked about things with an honesty that had little reference for me.

Additionally, she has opinions that I don't completely agree with.  Historically, I've judged them or at minimum got annoyed at them.  This time I just let her be and accepted her for who she is.

I experienced a level of intimacy that's unfamiliar.  It felt like a piece of my heart was lit that either has been long forgotten or never had been used.

It got me thinking about my relationship with my own version of god. I ascribe certain attributes to my god (and by the way, I'm not suggesting you do the same or believe in the god I do or even that you should believe in god). 

My version of god is a perfect power.  So, the question becomes:  How do I become intimate with a power like that?

I learned that a great path to deep connection is embracing the fact that we're all human and connecting through that.  We share pain, problems, happiness, uncertainty, etc. and we're there for each other.

But how do I become intimate with something that's perfect?  A few friends suggested the answer may be faith.

Candidly, I don't really understand what they mean, but I did nod my head in agreement (hiyo!).  But I suppose some level of faith that my god is working in my life does create a relationship.

I certainly can't lie to my god because it knows everything about me.

It's a bit confusing.  But this is clear, if I can bring the experience I had with my Mom into my relationship with god, therein lies an infinite reward.

My deepest desire...

I threw out a facebook status that said:  My deepest desire is that everyone (including me) feels loved. 

I am working in SBUX right now facing the window.  I'm going in and out of being gripped about a long time issue that I'm dealing with in my life.  The issue itself is actually quite unimportant.

Anyway, I looked up from my computer and noticed a group of mentally handicapped children/adults walking in a line holding hands 2x2 on the street.  One child was very young.  The 2 or 3 adults monitoring them were both patient and seemingly happy.

Two thoughts came to mind:

1. My problems aren't that big.  Honestly I don't typically feel much out of comparing my suffering to others but this time it hit me.
2. I felt an overpowering sense of wanting, almost aching for them to feel loved.

This happened about 30 minutes ago and this aching feels so real.  I know that each of them is on whatever path God set them on and that it's the way it should be.

That doesn't stop this almost overpowering urge for them to feel loved.  Candidly, this type of thought has sometimes pushed me to some really dark places.  Personalizing wider PERCEIVED suffering is not a happy, happy, joy, joy way to live.

But perhaps widely wishing something is some kind of way to distract myself from the possiblity that it's something I ache for and don't really feel at the depths of my own soul.

I know I have the capacity to feel loved and as humans I doubt that's any different for the people I saw walking by.  And you know what?  In some ways they may actually be happier than most, who knows?

One thing is absolutely true for me:  Everyone deserves love. 

The only answer, the only power that saves any of us is the power of love, and everyone deserves to feel it.

Is my parenting fear based?

I've been considering the insidious and paralyzing aspects of fear in my life.  Most of the time my fears seem to be self-centered and often have been programmed into me by people, media, etc. in my life.  Living in fear has led me down some really awful paths (and yes, from time to time it works well at an instinctual level).

I then thought about how fear manifests in my relationship with Zoe. When she was tiny she had to totally trust me and safety was more about keeping her fed, changed, etc.  When I carried her around she was totally trusting.  Until, of course she developed that full body electric worm move that toddlers use to wriggle out of parents' arms and onto the ground when she first started walking.

I get that there are some basic things that I needed to teach her when she was really young (don't touch a hot stove, don't talk to strangers, etc.).  But as she's growing I feel like we're in this dance to teach her about relationships of all types.

Sometimes I'm scared out of romantic relationships for fear of hurting or getting hurt.  She doesn't have romantic relationships....yet, she does have a number of others. 

I feel almost trapped by my own experiences in relationships (with mom, dad, siblings, friends, etc.).  Like if I give her my own advice I may somehow intend it to be the "way".

Can I trust that for example, that she can learn a way that is common across any relationship?  (Being compassionate, for example.)

I also fully understand that she will get older and eventually her way won't have a ton to do with me (or will it??).  I just hope along the way that I'll have the presence and strength to inject more love than fear into her way of living.

On being human

Admitting to myself that I'm human is a rather interesting experience.  What seems so natural, is, well, confusing.  How often I try to deny that I am....

For example, I've historically been horrible on myself with making mistakes.  But isn't making mistakes part of the gig?  Granted I've put myself in positions before where I was set up to make mistakes.

Take my career to date.  For reasons too complicated to explain I became an accountant.  My resume makes me perfectly qualified to do something that I absolutely hate.  (yes, I said hate...)  So, I would take the jobs, do really well at first and then the mistakes would come and the self imposed beatings would begin.

Actually, regardless of the mistake I'm hard on myself.  You know why?  Because I've been super worried about how other people think about it.

Curiously, I'm pretty easy on my daughter knowing that she makes mistakes either because she doesn't know better or she's just human.  It's ok I tell her we all make mistakes.  Wow, if I could only tell myself the same.

Embracing my humanness certainly connects me at some level to everyone else.  We're all human.  But what if they, like me, are super hard on themselves?  And so far the only person to tell me they aren't was my psychiatrist....makes me wonder.

I can see myself using the excuse that "I'm human" to address a lot of lazy or self-centered behavior.  That doesn't feel authentic.

I'm hoping that the more I embrace the fact that I'm human the more closely I can come to my divinity.  Now that's a proposition worth working towards.

Instant beauty karma

Today I decided to lay down on the Marina Green in SF to enjoy the sun.  Shortly before I left a beautiful couple dressed up arrived.

I asked them if they wanted me to take a pic of them.  I found out that they had JUST gotten married at the Civic Center.  They were waiting for their photographer but wanted me to take a picture of them on their iphone, apparently to let their friends/family know that they just got married.

I decided to drive to Safeway and bought them a nice (I think) bottle of champagne and a boquet of flowers.  While I can't say this is always how I behave, doing it is really who I am at my deepest level.

I've always been good about this stuff.

I brought the gifts back to them and they couldn't have been happier.  I got hearty hugs from both of them.  I clearly touched them.

The photographer snapped a photo but I didn't.  The fact is that I flat forgot to take a pic.  But the reality is all I really wanted to remember was the feeling.

The feeling of thinking of someone else.  The feeling of doing something expecting nothing in return.  My heart came out of my chest. 

Honestly, I couldn't hold that very well and only stayed for a minute or so.  But the feeling continues to fill my heart and soul with joy and warmth.

I couldn't be luckier.

Meaning of Life? No thanks....

A few years ago I went through what I guess would be called an existential crisis.  I spent a few months doing everything short of wearing all black and smoking cigarettes with with those long plastic holders.

Guess what I figured out about it?  Nothin.

I'm not at all suggesting that life means nothing.  All I'm saying is that the pursuit of the answer is about as frustrating and useless as an Anthony Weiner tweet. 

I read Viktor Frankl, I meditated, I boozed and I thought for hours.  Nothin.

After all, finding meaning in something that already happened, is happening or will happen after all is just a guess.

Honestly, don't you think if someone knew the meaning of life, they would share it with and include everyone.  Sort of like, if some group figured out the way to salvation wouldn't they include everyone?  Oops....

So for now I'm content with leaving the Meaning of Life to the blokes of Monty Python.

Oh, and if you figure it out, keep it to yourself....

Channel of Peace meets my Remote Control

The week of intending on being a channel of peace was, actually like a lot of other weeks. 

I clicked from my channel of peace to discontent.  It's so clear to me, when I'm not at peace it's frequently related to my interpretation of events in  my life that happen.

I clicked from that channet to fear.  I spent quite a bit of time worrying about what's to come.

I clicked from there to shame.  I spent quite a bit of time regretting things I'd done in the past.

I tried writing "Channel of Peace" on pages when I was in a long meeting...oy!  That didn't work so well.  I tried saying it over and over and....that didn't work so well.

The main thing I learned this week is the reception on my Peace Channel is directly impacted by the strength of my faith in God.   (Wow, that doesn't come out very often, at least not publicly.)  Admittedly, there's more to all of this, but just getting back to the blogging world recently, the words will flow a bit haltingly for now.

And I'm at peace with that.  :)

Lord make me a channel of thy peace (Week 1)

For the next twelve weeks or so I'm going to focus on one line in the beautiful St. Francis poem each week and try to manifest it in my life.  My intention is that hopefully I can be even closer or more helpful to people in my life.

Finding peace in my life is nothing short of a challenge.  My mind and body are often like the Simpsons pinball game. It's all kinds of bumpers, flippers, tunnels, noises and lights.  Honestly I think my best odds of being a channel of peace will be practicing it with other people.

I don't think with life as it is that I can meditate into this. 

I'll practice listening.  I'll be careful to remember that we all hurt in some way. (Wow if I can actually do just those two for this week a few times, it will be more than worth it.)

Sometimes peace comes through me without trying (commonly with Zoe).  Sometimes peace is elusive when I DO try.

I'll do my best this week and that's all I can ask.