This morning I dropped my daughter off at her camp. We said goodbye a little differently. You see she’s going away and I won’t see her for over 2 weeks. She’s going on a trip with a friend and then another trip with her mom. She’s going to have a blast on both trips. That’s not stopping my tears this morning.
Today instead of the lean over in the car hug and kiss we got out of the car. I told her I wanted a “big hug”. It turned into a warm and loving embrace that lasted quite a while. After that I took her beautiful 13 year old face in my hand, looked her right in the eyes and told her how much I loved her, that I’ll miss her and told her to have a blast on her trips.
It all sounds like a great goodbye, but I’m still in tears. Recently, we had an experience that drew us closer together than we ever have been. She poignantly shared the thoughts and feelings and I listened carefully giving each of those thoughts the kind of attention and importance every one of them deserved.
It’s not about me saying that’s not a big deal or you’ll get through it, buck up. Rather we talked about how each of those things feel and how confusing it can all be.
It’s no secret I love my daughter. And in addition to being the greatest teacher of my life, the most important person on the planet to me and the person I pour my heart into unabashedly she’s also a great companion. We laugh so much at the goofiest things. Self-deprecation, confusing oddities, human behavior, my driving nuttiness and much more is all fair game when we spend time together.
So I mourn it when she’s gone and goddamnit I'm not going to apologize for it. I realize that in the grand scheme of things 2 ½ weeks is not that long. But how many of us talk about how it all goes to fast?
I also realize that perhaps I should put more of my energy into the smile in my heart that I know she’ll have a great time while she’s gone. And shoot right after she gets back I get a full week with her and my mom which is always a gas.
That’s not working right now. And I’m not going to prematurely pull myself out of this feeling because I feel like it’s “too self-centered”. In my life it isn’t that I feel too much it’s that I don’t’ fully give attention to exactly what I am feeling (and I’m a pretty sensitive dude).